4 Powerful Lessons You Gradually Learn as You Let Go of the Past

1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past, without letting it rule your present.

In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.

Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.

Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:

You are remembering something that happened.
You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.
So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…

Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to rule your present thoughts and emotions.

2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.

Today, I challenge you to ask yourself:

What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
How is it affecting you in the present?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

How might that change your life from this moment forward?

3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.

When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone—like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.

It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.

The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?

Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing…

Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you.

For example:

If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.
Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.

4. There is always, always, always something to be thankful for in the present.

Even when your past—your story—tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for it all. For your health, your family, your friends, and your home. Many people don’t have these things.

Also, remind yourself that the richest human isn’t the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a mindset. Want less and appreciate more today.

Easier said than done of course, but with practice it does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom. Ultimately, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. At the end of this day, before you close your eyes, smile and be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have. Life is good.

(MARCANDANGEL).

10 Uncomfortable Things You Need to Do If You Don’t Want to Regret 2018

1. Challenge your understandings and certainties. – Life’s richness does not come from always residing within familiar territory. It’s when you venture out, away from the familiar, that you grow stronger and more capable. You must hold tightly to your core values while at the same time opening your heart and mind to new ideas, feelings and experiences. Your own perspective will become clearer when you look at things from different angles. Find ways to provide a healthy challenge to your current understandings of life, and you will discover and experience far more of life’s magic in the year ahead.

2. Track how you invest your energy and make productive shifts. – To attract better outcomes in life, you have to become better on the inside. Again, you can’t do the same things and expect change. You can’t blame someone else. Take full responsibility for the next step. Start transforming your mindset. Start upgrading your habits. Your life is 90% your choice! Seriously, don’t settle! Don’t exchange what you want most for what’s easiest at the moment. Study your agendas and routines closely. Figure out where your time goes, and remove needless distractions. It’s time to focus on what really matters.

3. Work diligently and consistently on meaningful goals. – When you focus your heart and mind upon a purpose, and commit yourself to fulfill that purpose through small daily steps, positive energy floods into your life. Sadly, many of us miss the mark. A few years ago when the Guardian asked a hospice nurse, Bronnie Ware, about The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, one of the most common regrets she noticed was that people regretted not being true to their goals. In fact, she said that most of the people she cared for admitted to not honoring even half of the goals that were meaningful to them, and so they ended up dying with regrets. Let this be your wake-up call! Good health brings a level of freedom and opportunity very few of us realize until we no longer have it. As they say, there are seven days in the week and “someday” isn’t one of them.

4. Do the hard things. – Lose the expectation that everything in life should be easier. There are rarely shortcuts to any place worth going. Enjoy the challenge of your achievements. See the value in your efforts and be patient with yourself. And realize that patience is not just about waiting, it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard on your important goals. It’s knowing deep down that doing the hard things is worth it. Why? Because those are the things that ultimately define you. Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living—between knowing the path and walking the path—between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with progress and fulfillment.

5. Study your mistakes closely and learn from them. – Disappointments and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to the places you want to go. Don’t let a hard lesson harden your heart. When things go wrong, learn what you can and then push the heartbreak aside by refocusing your energy on the present step. Remember that life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes. We must fail in order to know, and hurt in order to grow. Good things often fall apart so better things can fall together in their place. And what’s better already is the more informed step you’re able to take right now.

6. Choose a positive and effective response. – Happiness doesn’t start with a relationship, a vacation, a job or money. It starts with you. If you want life to be happier, you need to be mindful of your present response. It’s how you deal with stress in each little moment that determines how well you achieve happiness in the end.

7. Directly confront the thoughts that worry you. – A tiny part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by how you respond to them. Whenever our Getting Back to Happy course students and Think Better, Live Better conference attendees come to us feeling down about a life situation they can’t control, we typically start by reinforcing the hard truth: sometimes changing your situation isn’t possible—or simply not possible soon enough. But you CAN always choose a mindset that moves you forward. And doing so will help you change things from the inside out, and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control at any given moment. Here’s a powerful question that will support you with an attitude adjustment when you need it most: Who would you be, and what else would you see, if you removed the thought that’s worrying you?

8. Learn to be more human again. – Don’t avoid eye contact. Don’t hide behind gadgets. Smile often. Ask about people’s stories. Listen. You can’t connect with anyone, including yourself, unless you are undistracted and present. And you can’t be either of the two when you’re Facebooking, Instagramming or Snapchatting your life away on your smartphone. You just can’t! If you are constantly attached to your smartphone and only listening with your ears as your eyes check for the next social update, you are ripping yourself off of actually experiencing real relationships and real life. The same is true for texting too. Yes, someday you will be slapped with the reality of a missed MEMORY being far more unsettling than a missed TEXT!

9. Be strict about making time for the right people. – At some point, when it comes to relationships, you’ll just want to be around the few people who make you smile for all the right reasons. So be intentional about spending more quality time with those who help you love yourself more. And remember that nothing you can give them will ever be more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention—your full presence. Truly being with them, and listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event, is the highest form of compliment.

10. Choose yourself, too. – You won’t always be a priority to others, and that’s why you have to be a top priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself, and become your own support system. Love yourself first and foremost every day, instead of simply loving the idea of other people loving you. Your needs matter. Start meeting them. Don’t wait on others to choose you—choose yourself! And remember that once your needs are met, you will be better equipped and capable of meeting the needs of those few people who matter most to you.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Here We Go Again!

Happy New Year!

Few things compare to the enthusiasm and optimism that greets the dawn of a new year; especially in this part of the world. From prophetic declarations to thematic conjugations, the moment is met with genuine belief and hope that the new year will be substantially better than the preceding one. However, as the razzmatazz, fanfare and excitement gives way to the resumption of normalcy, a few things become sacrosanct.

It goes without saying that many had great aspirations for the year that ‘was’ (2017). For some, the year began with great promise but ended with big disappointments. There are always rationale to explain these things; but whatever your explanation is, one thing was clear: Life happened amidst your plans. It’s fine. 2017 is done and 2018 provides an opportunity to get it right so it is a bloody waste of time to cry over spilt milk. It’s like a football season; some teams with high expectations coming into the season feel short but every player looks to the next season to get it right. Some few thoughts that will help make 2018 a smashing year will suffice here:

Start early: There can be no one silver bullet that will make 2018 the year of your dreams. It will ultimately come down to an aggregation of factors. However, one thing you can do is to start early. I always like to say that the year starts in January, which is buttressing the point that some people seem to feel it’s a ‘bonus’ month. The celebrations are over; and if you need any confirmation just remember that work life has resumed in all parts of the world. Give yourself a head-start. Get out your 2017 goal sheet and break down those big targets into granular and tangible actions, then start implementing. 2018 belongs to the executioners and not the planners. Again, the time to start is now.

Stand for something: In a world that is continually trying to dictate to you on the values you should have, it is important to stand for something. Your convictions are pivotal. Your values are salient. These things should never be at the mercy of any sentiments or emotional considerations. Cut off who you need to cut off. Know that there will be noises and people will judge you when you end certain detrimental relationships that doesn’t line up with your convictions, and that is fine. At the end of the day, you are not answerable to man. Don’t let anyone toss you around and peddle their realities to you. If you have a personal conviction in God and had experienced his unfailing power, stick with him. If you have seen the blessings that comes from paying your tithe, continue therein. The world is full of opinionated people, and it is important to stand for something.

God first: One thing you can be sure of is that 2018 is not going to be for those that ‘merely work hard’. We all know many poor hard workers around us. Hard work, your intellect and abilities can never be enough. When all is said and done, the God factor can make the difference. Do your part. Get productive. Chart new territories but put God first. Seek his counsel and wisdom for every pivotal decision you make this year. Pray and study his word. It is a cliché but it is true that all you need is ‘One Word’ for that your situation. Spend quiet time with him and realize that prayer time should be a conversation moment. Keep a notepad handy for inspiration, ideas and implementation strategies always come from the unlikeliest of sources. Stay awake always!

17 Things I Learnt in 2017

1. To Lead Is To Serve: Forget the shenanigans we call leadership in this turf. To lead is to really serve and in this you will learn humility, patience, tenacity and care. This year, I had the opportunity of assuming leadership in the Toastmasters club, a senior position to lead a young professionals network, and leadership role in two other networks and it has been a great learning experience in service.

2. Your Health is Priority: This was a profound lesson I learnt from one of my supervisors at work this year. The reality is that you need to be healthy to have dreams, to help others and to be good in your job. Your health should be a priority and it should never be at the mercy of anything. Look after yourself; that is the first law of wealth.

3. Stretch Your Capacity: There is much more we can all do but we will never know if we don’t try. They say you begin to grow at the end of your comfort zone, and nothing can be truer. In life, in business and at work, don’t be shy to take on new challenges. It helps your capacity in the long run.

4. Follow God’s Guidance Quickly: In the things of God it will be futility to try and fully comprehend it with the human senses. First you must hone your spiritual senses to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit and when he gives you an instruction, don’t over process it, just do it. This year, I gave God when I didn’t plan to and he led me to makes decisions I didn’t anticipate. It will all make sense at the end.

5. Genuinely Care: As I grew in leadership this year I understood that people do not care how much you know if they can’t see that you care. People will give you their best when they see that you genuinely care beyond lip service, and this was one of my salient lessons this year.

6. The Power Of Journaling: Write your thoughts, your memory is unreliable. It is amazing how writing my goals across some broad headings at the beginning of the year helped me towards their attainment during the year. Always carry a note pad, and cultivate the art of journaling. It makes you far more effective and will come in handy in the future.

7. Listen More: A study say that 80% of us listen with the intent to respond or find holes in what is being said. This year, I learnt the art of just listening with the purpose of understanding and appreciating what is being said. I have always maintained that one doesn’t always have to hold an opinion on everything. At times, it’s just fine to listen to others.

8. It Is What It Is: They say if you live very long enough in life you will know that moving on, is the greatest gift. I moved on quickly this year from many things (good and not so good). My friend will say you either win or you learn. If you failed an exam, move on. If you lost a loved one, move on. If you won the most prestigious award in life, move on. Don’t fight what is gone and don’t lament over what you cannot change. At times, just realize that it is what it is and cue the next step.

9. The Concept of Sparring Partner: It was TD Jakes who once preached a sermon titled ‘Sparring Partner’ and I learnt a lot from it. In life, there are battles God leave you to wrestle with. This sparring partner is not there to defeat you, but it’s there to keep you humble, to help you depend on him always and stop you from being carried away.

10. You Will Make Bad Decisions: There is no two ways about it. You will make mistakes and bad choices in the course of life. The wisdom is to make ‘more’ better decisions than you will make the bad ones. It is on this fine line that success and failure is determined.

11. A Strong Support System: We all need shoulders to lean on. This year more than ever before I learnt of the importance of having a strong support system. This could be family, friends that stick more than family, mentors, pastors etc. Identify who yours are and feed that relationship for when you will require it (for you sure will at some point).

12. Seek Better Ways: This year, I once read somewhere that continuous improvement is an unending search to find better ways. And this can be in the little things. In your everyday life, seek better ways and always strive to add additional value to anything you are involved in. This is what it means to be different.

13. Don’t Take Anything To Heart: You will only hurt yourself and stay depressed if you take things to heart. This year, I learnt to simply give people the benefit of the doubt and move on. There are many things I have simply learnt to laugh off. Forgive people where you can and move away from un-necessary drama as much as you can.

14. Social Media Is A Stress Relaxant: Boy oh boy! This year, I discovered social media in a whole new light. After a long day’s work, I simply get home, do what needs to be done and spend some time on social media (Instagram and Facebook especially). There are so many hilarious skits and funny handles to crack you up. I can’t even begin to name them. Trust me, it is a bloody stress relaxant.

15. Pursue Excellence: It was Martin Luther King Jnr who said that ‘If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well’. Nothing further to add here.

16. People Are Watching: You by the way you are living your life are impacting the people around you. Be measured, be contrite, be open to new ideas and don’t be ashamed to be vulnerable. You never know who you are helping to go through life just by the way you are living your life.

17. Don’t Waste Time; Be Deliberate: Those close to me must have heard me lament about the paucity of time. The damn thing is just in short supply each day *smiles*. It is for this reason that we must be deliberate about where and what we spend our time on. This year I learnt that this is the big difference between successful and average people.

Those are my life lessons from 2017. Will like to hear your thoughts too. Kindly drop a comment below.

Imo State and the Shenanigans of Leadership!

He was once touted to be the torchbearer of the Igbo nation, the liberator of a people on the fringes and the finest of his kind out of the Ndigbo breed. But, as they say, if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. The Imo State governor, Rochas Okorocha has been in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. One could spare him if his action was a one-off and could be excused as a gaffe made by a man of excesses. Yet, his case is one of pattern. He continues to relish in the ridiculous and has never failed to sink into new depths of scorn.

First, he began a crusade of erecting statues of African leaders (Jacob Zuma and Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf of South Africa and Liberia respectively). When quizzed on this, the governor reply was ‘I erect statue to immortalise people so that children yet unborn can know about them. History is dying in Africa, we must keep it alive. In the next 100 years, most of us would not be alive but this will stand for children to see. If leaders are not immortalised, there will be no history for children.’ While this sounds like a plausible rationale on the surface, you only need to scratch the surface to flaw his argument. First off, the jury is still out to see whether the statues will even survive for 10 years, talk more of a century. However, the chief criticism of this gesture has been the choices of those to immortalize. Charity bloody begins at home. There is a litany of Nigerian men and women (dead and alive) who have been stalwarts of our history. If at all tax payers money should be used in erecting statues, it shouldn’t be that of a Jacob Zuma who has been bedeviled with incessant corruption cases. It is true that there is a dearth of historical knowledge among today’s youth but there is a better way to correct the malady. Start by reviving the study of history in Imo state, and make the subject compulsory for all at various levels. In addition, he should be the trailblazer in allocating more to historical research and equipping public libraries in his state (that is assuming there is any). History should be primarily be immortalized in our minds and not in things.

Okorocha’s madness did not stop here. Only recently, he appointed his biological sister as “Commissioner for Happiness and Couples’ Fulfillment”. This was in addition to 28 new commissioners and 27 Transition Committee Chairmen for the 27 local government councils in the state. The Chief Press Secretary to the Governor, Sam Onwuemeodo, said the typographic error led to the naming of the Ministry as the Ministry of Happiness and Couples Fulfilment. It is now called Ministry of Happiness and Purpose Fulfilment. The statement went on to justify the essence of the new ministry and its purpose in the state. “The real essence of life is to be happy and to fulfil one’s purpose in life; Government officials are elected to address this.” It is a shame I share the same first name with this Press Secretary. The joke is squarely on him in his failed attempt to turn logic on its head. Yes, even the Good Book acknowledges that the people rejoice when the righteous are in power, but it is not by playing with our minds with the creation of such useless office. The people will be happy if the government of the day does its job. This is a state where pensioners are continually being owed, civil servants salaries are never prompt, the state university is in shatters, youth unemployment is as bad as it gets and many of the state roads are death traps. Yet, the governor believe happiness will come from a magic wand his sister will wield.

Beyond the loud soundbites that the governor’s actions have received on social media, it aches the heart how this man leads a state. Okorocha is a sad reminder of why we have so many failed states in Nigeria. No doubt, the Buhari government will continue to get a lot of sticks for not doing enough, but large stones should also be hurled at many governors. A glance at the Oil rich South-South and South-East states tells the whole story. We have leaders in these states who should have no business leading a street, talk more of a state. Rochas Okorocha is the only governor from the South East in the ruling APC government. He is supposed to be the voice of Ndigbo when matters that affects her are being discussed in quarters other PDP governors will not be privy to. Your guess is as good as mine on how this representation has been going. Our leaders should have moments of introspection and we the people must make our pressure on leaders count beyond the rhetorics of internet memes and hashtags.

10 Things to Remember When the Going Gets Tough

When the going gets tough—when we’re feeling utterly down and discouraged—we need to remember…

1. To trust the journey, even when we do not understand it.

2. To accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in the road ahead.

3. To start exactly where we are, use what we have, and do what we can, one step at a time.

4. To look for the blessings hidden in every struggle we face, and be willing to open our hearts and minds to them.

5. To recognize our backpack of support—our external sources of hope and motivation—before a random guru (or someone with far more crooked intentions) has to steal it from us so that we can finally see what we have always taken for granted.

6. To be present and tap into our own hearts and minds—our internal sources of hope and motivation—which have the power to push us back up on our feet and guide us down the road to our backpack of support, even when it appears to be lost forever.

7. To laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and appreciate the lessons found at each twist and turn.

8. To not compare our progress with that of others, and accept that we all need our own time to travel our own distance.

9. To see how many of the things we never wanted or expected, ultimately turn out to be what we need.

10. To be OK with not ending up exactly where we intended to go, while opening ourselves up to the possibility of eventually arriving precisely in the right place at the right time.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Zimbabwe: Not Yet Uhuru

The glee has been unprecedented and the streets of Harare have never witnessed such hysterical moments. In the eyes of the people, the army have become national heroes for daring to do the impossible, and the once revered Robert Mugabe has become a national caricature. The placards on the streets of Zimbabwe have been damning to behold for the 93 years old. One of such placards in the hands of a teenager read: ‘Rest in Peace, Robert’. It is a case of the downfall of the patriarch of Africa’s strongmen.

For many, Mugabe was Zimbabwe. He has become synonymous with the Southern African Country. Mugabe’s rise to tyranny was a heroic ascension. He spent 11 years as a political prisoner under Ian Smith’s Rhodesian government. He rose to lead the Zimbabwe African National Union movement and was one of the key negotiators in the 1979 Lancaster House Agreement, which led to the creation of a fully democratic Zimbabwe. Elected prime minister and later president, he embraced conciliation with the country’s white minority but sidelined his rivals through politics and force. Beginning in 2000, he encouraged the takeovers of white-owned commercial farms. For 37 years, he was a torn in the flesh of the West. His economic policies have also left Zimbabwe in economic doldrums and his intolerance for meaningful opposition made him a tyrant at best. The last straw that broke the camel’s back for Mugabe was the removal of long term vice president, Emmerson Mnangagwa and installation of his wife, Grace. The people had had enough and the army led the so called ‘peaceful coup’ that peaked with the resignation of Mugabe and the coronation of Mnangagwa as president. The fiasco has left a few lessons in its wake.

Mugabe was perhaps one of the last men standing in the litany of long serving African leaders; thus, signaling the fact that the people know better in today’s Africa, and the days of family dynasties are coming to an end. The goal of Mugabe was to die in office but he should have listened to his senile mind. The world around him was changing fast and that reality was lost upon him. Another apt point is how much people generally have a sieve memory. For all his dictatorial tendencies, he was the man in the forefront of Zimbabwe liberation from white minorities. He spent over a decade in prison and suffered several arrests. While it will be naïve to condone his longevity in office, it will also be foolhardy not to acknowledge his contributions to the society. The tales of joy and sheer ridicule of Robert Mugabe by many Zimbabweans is a rude reminder that the same people who sing ‘Alleluia’ will be swift to chant ‘Crucify him’ when it is convenient. It is a sad fact of life but the reality is that: people forget! Going forward, Zimbabwe must tread with caution, and be careful of the West and its outstretched arms of friendship. It is true that isolating the rest of the world is not the way to go in today’s global planet but terms of friendship must be clear and carefully assessed. The demise of Mugabe does not translate to economic and social flourish for Zimbabwe. The road ahead will be tougher than the previous 37 years spearheaded by Mugabe. In many ways, this doesn’t look like a revolution, in Reuben Abati’s words ‘it is a re-arrangement of the power nexus within the ruling party. This is all at the end of the day about Grace Mugabe.’ The state of Libya post Muammar Gaddafi is a clear reminder that such phase must not be handled with kid gloves.

How posterity will remember Mugabe will remain the contemplations of historians. It is very likely that the jury will remain discursive in their verdict for this is a man that means different things to different people.