How to Be Grateful and Strong When Things Go Wrong

1. Be grateful around difficult people.
We expect people to treat us kindly, fairly, and respectfully. But the reality is some people won’t. They will lose their tempers or act foolishly, regardless of how we treat them. This must be accepted. Don’t lower your standards, but do remind yourself that removing your expectations of others—especially those who are being difficult—is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them. When you’re forced to deal with a difficult person, you can be grateful for having other people in your life who are far less difficult. You can be grateful for having a way to practice being better at patience, communication, and tempering your expectations. You can think of this person as a teacher who is inadvertently helping you to grow stronger as a person. And, at the very least, you can be grateful for them because they serve as a great reminder of how not to be.

2. Be grateful when you catch yourself starting to complain.
Many of us have developed a subtle habit of complaining when things don’t go quite our way. Gratitude is the antidote. Each time you notice yourself feeling bitter, or complaining, notice the story in your mind about “how life should be.” Instead of letting this story dominate you, find a small way to be grateful instead. What could you feel grateful for right now? What could you appreciate about this moment? Remember, there’s always something to be negative about—and something to be grateful for. The choice is ours.

3. Be grateful when you begin to feel overwhelmed.
Have you ever noticed how the more familiar you become with an amazing situation or relationship in your life, the more you seem to take it for granted—and even feel annoyed or overwhelmed in busy and stressful times? Challenge yourself to flip your perspective in these moments, using a simple reframing tool we call “. . . and I love it!”

4. Find gratitude after job loss.
No one wins at chess by only moving forward; sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. And that’s a good metaphor for your life’s work too. As painful as losing your job is, it’s an ending that leads to the beginning of everything that comes next. Let the heaviness of being successful be replaced by the lightness of starting over. This new beginning is the start of a different story, the opportunity to refresh your life, to reinvent who you are. Remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you can find gratitude for where you are. You can find gratitude for these moments of reinvention—for pushing into the discomfort of getting good at interviewing, learning new skills, and leveling up. You can find gratitude for the opportunity to grow stronger, even in the midst of the growing pains that ultimately get you there.

5. Find gratitude amid health problems.
A couple of years ago, on the second-to-last day of her life, a close friend of ours shared that her only regret was that she didn’t appreciate every year with the same passion and purpose that she had in the last two years of her life, after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. “I’ve accomplished so much recently, and truly appreciated every step,” she said. “If I had only known, I would have started sooner.” Her words made us cry and smile at the same time. What was truly miraculous was seeing the genuine gratitude in her eyes at that moment. And her sentiment has always remained with us. So, while health problems are never fun, the pain can be mediated by a sense of gratitude for having a chance to move forward on our own terms. Of having a life worth living, from moment to precious moment.

6. Find gratitude when someone you love dies.
As we know firsthand, when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss—you will never forget them. However, we have the ability to push through the experience, and even find meaning in it. Ultimately, we grew to appreciate that although death is an ending, it is also a necessary part of living. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the ultimate limit—a reminder that we need to celebrate this beautiful person, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Although deeply sad, this passing forces us to gradually reinvent our lives, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the beauty they showed us.

Life’s disappointments and struggles are not easy to find gratitude for, but they can become incredible paths of growth if we find the lessons in them—if we start to see everything as our teacher. Truly, the best time to focus on being grateful is when you don’t feel like it. Because that’s when doing so can make the biggest difference.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Every Moment Is A Battle

For in the end, freedom is a personal and lonely battle; and one faces down fears of today so that those of tomorrow might be engaged - Alice Walker

Life has taught me that every moment is a battle. Sharpen your blade and show up for the fight, or the fight will be brought to your doorsteps, anyway. Sometimes life is tough, but always you are tougher. Thus, live before you die. Be bold. Take risks. Go out and make some irreplaceable memories. At times, this thing called life is a paradox, and a tale of fights. We fight to get on the scene; but that is not enough. While on the scene, you must fight to keep your place at the table, and this can be a struggle, but that is just the way life is. Yet, the fight doesn’t end there. We are combating on many fronts on a daily basis. If it’s not a fight to be who you are, it is one for the future of your children.

In what was adjudged one of the greatest speech in the history of film-making, Tony D'Amato, who played Al Pacino in the 1999 movie ‘Any Given Sunday’ gave a rallying speech to his football team, Miami Sharks, when the odds were stacked against them. There are great nuggets from that speech that resonates mightily.

“I don't know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're going to crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished. We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for you, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football. Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches, that's going to make the difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die who is going to win that inch. And I know, if I'm going to have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think I am going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. You are going to see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it you are going to do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you going to do?” Even people who don't like football, love this speech, because it's not just about football, it's about life! It’s about struggle and finding the necessary strength to rise up to the battles life and living throws at us.

Because life means a continual battle of one's success, failure, happiness, or unhappiness, a lot mostly depends upon one's knowledge of this battle. Whatever be one's occupation in life, whatever be one's knowledge, if one lacks the knowledge of the battle of life one lacks the most important knowledge of all. The question arises, of what does this knowledge of life's battle consist? It comprises the knowledge of warfare, how to fight and how to make peace. Human nature very often makes the mistake of taking sides, either the side of war or the side of peace. But if one studies the history of nations and races one will find that it was this mistake which often caused their failure. There have been times when nations and races have developed in their character the knowledge of peace, for instance people such as the Hindus with their most ancient civilization; but it could not bring them complete satisfaction as one side of human nature was neglected and misunderstood. In this present age it seems that the knowledge of warfare has developed; but on the other hand the knowledge of peace is absent; for the full knowledge of warfare is both the knowledge of battle and the knowledge of peace. This can be learned according to the mystics by battling with oneself, and by bringing about peace with one's own soul. The life of an individual being is not very different from the Life of the world. An individual person's home is not different from the world. An individual's body and mind and spirit form the whole universe. An individual life can fill the gap between the dawn of creation and the last day. Man does not realize how important is his own life, his self; and the study of his own life and his own self is a study of the greatest importance.

A healthy person has waiting at his door several illnesses, several diseases, waiting for the opportunity when they can attack him. A person with wealth has many who wait at his door for the chance to take away from him what he possesses. A person about whom good is said, has many awaiting a moment when something bad may be said about him. A person who has power or position, how many are not waiting for the opportunity to pull him down and see him slide down from the place where he stands! And what does this show? Why is it so? One may give a thousand reasons, and yet no proper reason. The best explanation one can give is that life is a continual battle. At times, in life, you have to quit looking for logical explanation to dissect your situation and rather, face what you must face, every day.
The process of creation began like this. According to science light comes from friction. It is one power against the other power, fighting; and from these two different forces striking upon each other comes an effect, and that effect in reality may be called life. In this lies the secret of both love and hate. One sees in the animal kingdom that the first tendency of the animals is instinctively to fight one another. This tendency becomes modified; and it is its modification and its reduced force that produce in them what we call virtues. As it is said in the Quran that the world was created out of darkness, so wisdom comes out of ignorance. And the best knowledge is not only the knowledge of all that is good and beautiful, all that is harmonious and peaceful, but also the knowledge of the causes that are behind all the conflicts and all the battles chat one has to face in life. The reason why man generally lacks this knowledge is because when he is faced with a battle he wants to fight, instead of first wanting to learn how to fight. And the one who goes into life's battle without first acquiring the knowledge of warfare loses in the end. But one who learns about this warfare of life first learns its reason and its causes, becomes more capable of fighting the battle of his life.

For this battle in life the first thing that is necessary is to keep the army in order. And what is this army? It is one's nervous power. Whatever be one's occupation, profession, walk in life, if one has no control over one's own nerves one will be unable to control that walk in life. Today people study political economy or various other kinds of economy, but the most essential economy is economizing the forces which make one healthy and strong through life. This army must be drilled and made to work at command. And one will find the proof of this when one can sleep at will, when one can rest and eat and work at will; then that army is really at one's command. In the words of Samuel Smiles ‘The battle of life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honor. If there were no difficulties there would be no success; if there were nothing to struggle for, there would be nothing to be achieved.’

(Excerpts from my book 'The Path Less Travelled' - https://www.amazon.com/Path-Less-Travelled-Reflections-Learning/dp/1540663507).

Choose Yourself Today: 7 Hard Choices that Will Make You Happier

1. Choose an attitude that moves you forward.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

In other words, a peaceful and mentally strong person is not a someone who’s always in a good situation, but rather someone who always has a good attitude in every situation.

Regardless of what you’re going though, it’s about choosing: Will I allow this to upset me? Will I choose to make this bad or good? Will I choose to stay or walk away? Will I choose to yell or whisper? Will I choose to react or take the time to mindfully respond?

When our course students come to us feeling down about a life situation they can’t control, we typically start by reinforcing the hard truth: sometimes changing your situation isn’t possible, or simply not possible soon enough. You can’t get to a new job in an instant. You can’t make someone else change against his or her will. And you certainly can’t erase the past. But…

You CAN always choose an attitude that moves you forward. And doing so will help you change things from the inside out, and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.

2. Choose to focus only on today.
No matter what’s happening, you can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you add the battles of those two mind-bending eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly intense and complicated.

Accept that it’s not the experience of today that holds you back and drives you mad, but the regret and resentment about something that happened yesterday or the fear and dread of what tomorrow might bring, but probably won’t. It’s necessary, then, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.

And this same strategy applies to your goals too—they don’t need to be so darn grandiose and convoluted that they frighten you. If your goals excite you, and are broken down into manageable chunks, you’ll be compelled to move forward with them. If they are based on what brings meaning into your life, not just what you think you “should” do, working on them will flow easier into each new day.

3. Choose to take the next step.
It really only takes a small shift everyday that over time amounts to enormous change.

People don’t suddenly heal and start living their ideal life overnight—their daily rituals (tiny steps) play a massive role in making it possible for them to create the life they sincerely want to live.

You can choose to develop daily rituals that point you in the direction of creating your ideal life—or rituals that keep you firmly anchored to your present situation. Make the decision. Make the commitment. Then take the next tiniest step forward in the direction you choose to go.

Honestly, that’s all life is—tiny, positive steps that you take moment by moment, and then one day when you look back it all adds up to something worthwhile – something that’s often far better, and different, than what you had imagined when you began your journey.

4. Choose to take things less personally.
After a couple decades of intentional soul searching, I finally figured out that there’s absolutely no benefit to holding on to anger, resentment or any of their close cousins. Truthfully, I would not be the human being I am today if it weren’t for each and every life experience I’ve had. And the same is true for you.

Screwing up, making mistakes, and letting people down occasionally isn’t wrong—it’s being human.

When I realized this truth, and accepted it, I opened my awareness to the fact that not everything, or perhaps even anything, that anyone else ever does is about me.

Think about the last time you were unkind to someone. Was it because of them, or because of you? Perhaps you were just having a bad day at the time, right?

Truth be told, if someone hurts you, chances are they have been hurt themselves. So do your very best to never take anything too personally. Don’t let vain insults get to your heart. Most human beings can only give others what they have received themselves. All of your actions and intentions should come from a place of love, but not everyone will be loving in return, and that’s perfectly OK.

As Miguel Ruiz explained in his book The Four Agreements, when you do not take anything personally, you liberate yourself. You can open yourself to the world, freely, and not have to worry about the judgments of others.

5. Choose to create healthy space for yourself (away from sources of negativity).
It doesn’t matter if it’s your dad, sister, cousin, friend or coworker that’s spewing negativity at you, if they are bringing you down on a daily basis, you need to spend less time with them. No, this doesn’t mean you have to exile them from your life – it simply means you can choose to carve out time away from them, to reclaim some positivity and sanity.

There’s a big difference between accepting that someone’s negative actions or behavior is born from a place of anxiety or insecurity versus excusing their behavior and therefore enabling it to continue relentlessly in your life.

We don’t have to condone a person’s negative behavior toward us, even though we may be compassionate, loving and understanding of its origins.

At some point we all have to be accountable for our own well-being. And quite honestly, if someone decides to lash out at you again and again, you’re not obligated to be a punching bag.

Also, keep in mind that differing opinions are a part of life and relationships. But when we come across people who are intent on delivering harsh criticism from the sidelines, sometimes we just have to tell ourselves that we may not be doing it perfectly in their eyes, but hey, at least we’re stepping up and doing it. At least we’re getting up, showing up, walking into that darn arena every day and turning to face the crowd, shouting: “Here I am, trying my best! I’m a work in progress and I’m OK with it!”

6. Choose to seek support only from the right sources.
Think for a moment… If you were craving pizza, would you go to a Japanese sushi bar? No! Because you know they don’t serve pizza at a Japanese sushi bar. In fact, they wouldn’t even have the right ingredients to make a pizza even if they were willing to customize a special order for you. If you really wanted pizza, you would simply go to an Italian restaurant that serves it, right?

Now think about the people you go to when you’re craving support, reassurance, guidance, healthy feedback, or simply a loving, listening ear. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you go to people who don’t have what you need on their menu, and thus find yourself endlessly discouraged and disappointed?

Bottom line: It’s time to align your hunger with where you dine.

7. Choose to be OK with NOT being perfectly OK.
Even though it’s true that life’s challenges make us stronger, and that it will be OK eventually… it’s not always OK right now, and sometimes that’s all we can feel when we’re in the midst of terribly tough times. Sometimes NOT being OK is all we can register inside our tired brains and aching hearts. This feeling is normal. This emotion is human. And accepting this can feel like a small weight lifted.

The truth is, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer living and breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world. It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had not planned for. It’s not OK when the bank account is nearly at zero, with no clear sign of a promising income opportunity. It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you and breaks your heart. It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained to the point you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning. It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known before.

Whatever your tough times consist of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now. And that, again, is more than OK.

Yes, I’m suggesting to try your hardest to be perfectly OK with not being perfectly OK all the time. Because those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who lay a firm foundation of growth with the bricks life has thrown at them. Don’t be afraid to fall apart for a little while, because when it happens, the situation will open an opportunity for you to grow and rebuild yourself into the brilliant human being you are capable of being, one brick at a time.

(MARCANDANGEL).

10 Tiny Thoughts that Keep Crushing Your Dreams (and Breaking Your Heart)

1. “My dreams and goals can wait.” – Live a life you are proud of. In the end, your greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things that don’t matter to you. We never tell ourselves that we will never live our dreams. Instead we just keep talking about how we will start living our dreams tomorrow.

2. “I don’t have time.” – Bottom line: “I don’t have time,” is really just another, perhaps politer, or perhaps naive, way of saying, “It’s not that important to me.”

3. “I’m not talented enough.” – Learn the value of work and practice – just the repeated concerted effort to get better at things. Forget the notions of talent and genius. I can hear you thinking, “Oh, these other people, they just have something that I don’t have.” When really, they are just people who work and practice more. Understand this. Work and practice are the keys to anything you want to do. If you want to play the guitar – anybody can learn to play the guitar – you can be good at it. Maybe you won’t be Jimi Hendrix, but you could be really good. You can be good enough to write good songs or make music with others or whatever. There’s no such thing as not having enough talent to get to that level. Because persistence is talent, really. Just sticking with it. Talent is not stopping.

4. “This problem is too big to solve.” – The problem is not the problem. The problem is the incredible amount of over-thinking you’re doing with the problem. Let it go and be free.

5. “I’m not ready yet.” – The truth is nobody ever feels ready when an opportunity arises. Because great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually. They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel comfortable at first. And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready. But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes the course of our lives depends on what we do or don’t do in a few seconds, a heartbeat, when we either seize an opportunity, or just miss it. Miss the moment and you may never get a chance again. So in case you never get a second chance, don’t be afraid! And what if you do get a second chance? Take it! It’s as simple as that.

6. “I knew I wasn’t good enough.” – Your struggle is part of your story. Being rejected from something you want often means you are being directed toward something you need.

7. “I’m a failure.” – Not trying is failing. Everything else is just practice. It’s OK if you mess up, that’s how you get wiser. Give yourself a break. And don’t give up! Good things take time, and you’re getting there, one step at a time.

8. “I just want everything to be easy.” – In every adversity there is a message. Struggles and crises are nature’s way of forcing change – breaking down old structures, shaking loose negative habits so that something new and better can grow in their place. So remember, just because you are struggling does NOT mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of struggle to get there.

9. “They have it so much easier than me.” – No one has it easier than you. Every one of us is fighting our own private battles. The strongest among us aren’t those who show strength we can see, but those who have won incredible inner battles we know nothing about.

10. “I have nothing to be thankful for.” – Choose positivity today. If you’re struggling to be thankful for what you have, think for a moment and be thankful for what you’ve escaped. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if your glass is half empty or half full. Be thankful that you have a glass and that there’s something in it.

(MARCANDANGEL).

You Have To Keep Believing - Ask Liverpool

On Tuesday, 7th May 2019, football reminded us why we fell in love with it in the first place. Like a renewed lover who can never lose her spice, she reminded us that even though we have been in this relationship for so long, she can still leave us breathless.

What a performance it was. Liverpool did not just defeat Barcelona physically, but technically, tactically, and ultimately intellectually, too. Barcelona, considered by many the greatest team in Europe, were outsmarted by a 20-year-old from West Derby in Merseyside. A 20-year old that once again proved that football is not a respecter of age. Trent Alexander-Arnold was still thinking when Barcelona stopped for the fourth goal, meaning he sold them a dummy that resonated across the globe as loud as any shot, sending Liverpool to Madrid on June 1. In the final analysis, this remarkable journey will not culminate on Merseyside, but in Madrid. After the miracle of this night and of this season, they deserve nothing less.

It is a cliché but Anfield is truly a special place; so special that even the greatest players in the world can cave to the atmosphere. On nights like this, emotions take on flesh, drive consumes the spirit and determination trounces talent. The takeaway for everyone is that at times, talent is not enough, and every time, hardwork and sheer drive will defeat talent. As Les Brown will say ‘How bad do you want it?’
However, one of the subtle stories (and there were many of them last night), was the audacious inscription on Mo Salah’s shirt. Mo Salah choose the occasion to wear that shirt. The inscription ‘Never Give Up’ exemplified everything about that Liverpool performance. The odds were staked against them. Not only were they facing arguably the best partnership in world football (Suarez/Messi), they were also missing two of their most potent partnerships (Salah/Firmino). Few gave them a chance, but the team believed. That belief is something we all need in this life, irrespective of what path we take.

As Martin Samuel of the Daily Mail remarked ‘This was a magnificent performance, of not just courage but footballing excellence. There is so much more to Liverpool than that ferocious press yet, on nights like this, it is those moments that resonate. How do they keep it up? How, amidst the most hard-fought title race in history, do they find the energy for this?’ It is difficult to answer as there will always be conjectures. One thing is constant though, at times, adversity brings out the best in us.

Like the renewed lover, football reminded us that though it is the hope that kills us, it is still the same hope that makes her magical. Long may she continue to seat at the iron throne of our hearts.

Short Excerpts From My Novel - Cacophony

Things began to hit rock bottom when Nkem started to notice that his mother’s health was fast deteriorating and the cracks were forming in her face. The cracks were taking a pattern that would soon announce itself to the world. She had first called it malaria but the elongated nature of the illness, coupled with the fact that she was losing weight, made Nkem and Da Amadi very worried. Something was not quite right. The first line of action for Obiageli was to resort to her spiritual mother.

‘They were always going to come for you, especially now that your son is a graduate,’ were the opening lines of her spiritual mother.
Even at a time when knowledge pervaded the environment, as far as spirituality goes, this was a turf for conformity and fewer questions. The joke had it that if you query the spiritual too often, the infinite might get angry and pour madness on you. It was the kind of fear often peddled around by those who engaged in the craft. It sold their trade and gave them the required decorum to bask in the spoils. There were little spiritual houses littered around Oboda-Akpu at the time. Many of them would pass for shanties but they wore the look and looked the part. Little pieces of red and white fabric were knotted to carefully selected stones and strategically placed on the sides of the shanties. There were half calabashes outside with one or two eggs inside. The calabashes also contained a mixture of leaves and herbs, visible enough to scare any intruder, while enticing those that seek answers, and sometimes, miracles. In a few other places, there were conspicuous banners that spoke to the mind from afar. The banners often had poor syntax on them but they were sensible enough to be understood by all and sundry.

‘Spiritual mother, please what do I do?’ Obiageli queried.

5 Lessons I Learned from Overcoming the Hardest Days of My Life

1. Acceptance is the first step forward.
There are two kinds of pain: pain that hurts and pain that changes you. When you roll with life, instead of resisting it, both kinds help you grow.

To move forward in any situation, you must first accept the reality you’re faced with. This acceptance provides you with an important starting point from which you can move in any direction you choose. To deny this reality, or to fight against the past, will merely waste your time and energy. To wish that things were different, or to pretend that they are, gets you nowhere.

Acceptance is letting go and allowing things to be the way they truly are. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about improving the realities of life—it’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself in the present moment.

Forgiveness is a big part of this process too. Forgiveness is the acceptance of the present moment, as it is, without attachment to any other time, place or circumstance. Almost all negativity is caused by a lack of forgiveness and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, guilt, tension, stress, worry, and resentment—all forms of unhealthy attachment—are caused by too much past or future, and not enough presence.

2. It’s healthy to be a work in progress.
Self-doubt plagues us because we desperately want to be somebody we’re not. I often want to be perfectly disciplined, for example, and when I’m not I come down hard on myself. The key, I’ve found, is to remind myself that although not perfect, the person I am is pretty darn great. I just need to embrace the reality that I’m not always as disciplined as I’d like to be. And I also need to remember that I have had many successes in my life. Just like YOU.

So I challenge you to walk beside me on this journey…

Accept your humanness. You can stop pretending. It feels good to own up to stuff, to admit that you’re human—a work in progress—a beautiful mess. Wanting to be someone or something else is a waste of your beauty. You’re fine. If you feel like you aren’t, you’re blowing things out of proportion. Having a little anxiety is fine. Making mistakes is fine. Being a little fearful is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re a good person. You’re intelligent. You’re fine just the way you are.

3. You need to feel emotional pain, so you can grow beyond it.
Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional when life knocks you down hard. There’s no reason to be ashamed for feeling something or for expressing pain if it’s real to you. It’s a sign that you have a big heart, and that you aren’t afraid to be honest about it. Showing your emotions is a sign of human strength. The people who judge you for being human, and not being modest, emotionless, and “in line,” are the ones who need to apologize.

By trying to hide your pain, and not wanting to feel bad, you make your bad feelings worse. But by allowing yourself to feel bad, and realizing we all feel bad sometimes, you give yourself space to deal with the truth. So give yourself this space, and embrace it. Too many people want to feel happy all the time, and positive every single second, but that’s not reality. We all feel bad sometimes, and that’s OK. When you accept this, and embrace the growing pains of living, you gradually rise above the pain.

4. Everything in life is temporary, and you must respond accordingly.
Your big breakthrough will come when you recognize that all your inadequacies, all your limitations, and all your failings, losses and setbacks, are only temporary. And once they pass in the real world, they’re prolonged existence is simply an artificial reality you cling to with your thoughts.

Yes, there may be pain and uncertainty for a while, but it never lasts forever—at least not at the same level. Time and space heal wounds. Angel and I experienced this firsthand after losing two loved ones to illnesses and suicide, back to back. Feelings of depression would come and go for months, but eventually, with therapy, these feelings dissipated.

Of course, it’s easy to get caught up in a painful situation and think, “The world is over!” But actually, this painful feeling and situation are just passing clouds. They’re just part of an ever-changing experience, and while it’s not always pleasant, it will pass like everything else has passed. And you need to respond accordingly.

So remind yourself: The goal isn’t to get rid of all your negative feelings or life situations. That’s impossible. The goal is to change your response to them as time changes. Because the truth is, you can’t control exactly what happened in the past, but you can control how you respond to it today. In your response is always your greatest power.

5. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.
This may sound a bit cliché—promoting gratitude as a universal solution—but the reason it’s always mentioned is because it works. Every time.

Even after a loved one passes, the actual present reality of our lives without this loved one isn’t unbearable unless we compare it to the impossible fantasy of them still being alive. The reality is, we still have our own lives and our health and passions to explore… we still have other wonderful family members and friends who love us… and that’s just the start of things to be grateful for. Now, this reality isn’t always full of happiness—sometimes it has unpleasantness—but you can embrace that too, instead of wishing it matched up with a stressful fantasy.

So just do your best to keep your head up. Take a deep breath and be grateful for everything that remains and everything that’s growing stronger in your life. When it feels like everything is falling apart, remind yourself that you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you through gratitude.

And remember, it’s just an experience.

(MARCANDANGEL).