1 Secret to Getting Through Tough Situations (and Truly Bad Days)

Releasing Your Judgments

The truth is, it’s impossible to get over a difficult situation—to let it go—if you’re still obsessively judging it and comparing it to something else. Let’s revisit one specific gut-wrenching situation from your past again—choose one that still stirs negative emotions. And then ask yourself:

Do you believe it should not have happened at all?
Do you believe the outcome should have been different?
Do you take what happened personally?
Do you blame someone else for what happened?
Do you blame yourself?
Do you believe the situation is impossible to get over?
If you caught yourself thinking “yes” to one or more of those questions, then what’s prolonging your suffering and preventing you from getting over it is judgment. Your judgments about what “should have happened” continues to postpone the love, hope, and self-care you know you are capable of practicing.

Now you may be thinking, “What happened was unbelievably horrible! I can’t conceive of ever getting over it!” But releasing your judgment does not mean you’re pleased with what happened, or that you support it, but rather that you are eliminating the negative burden you are carrying by perpetually judging it.

When you let go of your negative judgments, you automatically replace the victim mentality with acceptance and presence. And acceptance and presence together will free your mind and move you forward.

This very same principle applies to our present challenges with COVID-19, especially for those of us who are not ill.

When we think better about our circumstances, we live better in spite of them.

And there is no reason to postpone. Now is the time to practice being more mindful of your judgments and how you respond to life. Of course, that’s much easier said that done. Mindfulness as a daily ritual is the ultimate challenge. It’s a way of living, of being, of seeing, of tapping into the full power of your humanity, without judgment.

At its core, mindfulness is…

Being aware of what’s happening in the present moment without wishing it were different
Enjoying each pleasant experience without holding on when it changes (which it will)
Being with each unpleasant experience without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).

(MARCANDANGEL).

Nigeria: A Great Government vs An Ungrateful People

In the final analysis, Nigerians are a bunch of ungrateful people, full of vitriolic, waxed by insane criticisms and simply buoyed by their ignorance. In an alternative universe or in a saner clime, we should be thankful for the government of the day. Each day, our leaders are toiling away, burning their fingers at work, making local and foreign trips, and finding ways to make our lives liveable. But what do they get, torrents of vile comments, in all its richness.

Recently, there was a hullabaloo about the House of Reps members procuring for themselves about 360 Toyota Camry 2020 exotic cars. The angry children of Twitter jumped on this, falling to understand that these leaders need this tool to do their jobs effectively. How do we expect them to move around town? How do we expect them to go to their constituencies? Our roads are bad and require such quality of cars to absorb the shock. And just before you go off criticising them for not fixing our roads, remember that it is not them that made it bad in the first place. To put this in perspective, they hardly ply these roads in the first place. Afterall, their preferred means of transport is via aircrafts; and no one can accuse them of causing potholes there. We must always be circumspect as we judge our loving leaders.

More recently, the resentful children of social media were criticising the burial rites of the late Chief of Staff, Abba Kyari, accusing the organizers of not maintaining social distance and failing to abide by the other COVID 19 guidelines. Truly, we Nigerians are ungrateful. A statesman has just died and someone is ranting about an alien disease. To even attempt to compare that event to that of Funke Akindele for which the latter was publicly lampooned and legally dealt with, is to lack a good sense of reason. Someone of olympian calibre has just died for crying out loud. This was a difficult time for all the staff in Aso Rock. He doesn't just belong to his family. Abba Kyari, like his boss, is for everyone. Let him be given a State burial, COVID or no COVID. 

Finally, it is true that the lockdown imposed by the Federal government is difficult for many, but then, this is a difficult time for everyone. Times are hard. Even the president is managing himself. Every two weeks he comes on to address us on the situation of things, yet, some mischievous Nigerians want him to do this more often. Do you know what it takes to stand in front of the cameras in this COVID 19 era? Do you know the steel, sagacity and guts required to read through lots of pages without even taking a sip of water in our harsh climate? We underestimate the efforts of our sterling leaders. We should be thankful for our leaders. We don't deserve them. And each time we say a prayer every night, we should always make that point.

5 Truths We Tend to Forget in Hard Times

1. Life is short, and nothing is guaranteed.
We know deep down that life is short, and that death will happen to all of us eventually, and yet we are infinitely surprised when it happens to someone we know. It’s like walking up a flight of stairs with a distracted mind, and misjudging the final step. You expected there to be one more stair than there is, and so you find yourself off balance for a moment, before your mind shifts back to the present moment and how the world really is.

LIVE your life TODAY! Don’t ignore death — or the imminent dangers of COVID-19 — but don’t be afraid of life either. Be afraid of a life you never lived because you were too afraid to take positive action today. Death is not the greatest loss in life, neither is illness. The greatest loss is what dies inside you while you’re still alive and well. Even in these difficult times, be bold, be courageous, be a scared to death, and then take the next step anyway. Just change the way you do it.

Invest your heart and soul into whatever you have right in front of you. Bring passion into otherwise ordinary moments. You don’t have to be surrounded by lots of people. You don’t have to be going anyplace new. You can distance yourself from COVID-19, and still passionately engage in each moment.

2. Everything will change again soon.
Embrace change and realize in many ways it’s necessary. It won’t always be obvious at first, but in the end most forms of change are worthwhile because they force us to grow. So keep yourself in check right now.

What you have today may become what you had by tomorrow. You never know. Things change, often spontaneously. People and circumstances come and go. Life doesn’t stop for anybody. It moves rapidly and rushes from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds, and happens like this to people every day. It’s likely happening to someone nearby right now.

Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. A seemingly innocuous decision rattles our whole world like a meteorite striking Earth. Entire lives have been swiveled and flipped upside down, for better or worse, on the strength of an unpredictable event. And these events are always happening — like the COVID-19 epidemic right now.

So just remember, however good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. Accept it. Breathe. Be where you are. You’re where you need to be right now. There’s a time and place for everything, and every hard step is necessary. Just keep doing your best, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life. When it’s meant to be, it will be.

3. Changing your response is what puts you back in control.
Have patience with everything that remains unresolved in your head and heart. And realize that patience is not about waiting, but the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard to stay true to your intuition and values. This is your life, and it is governed by your choices. May your actions speak louder than your words. May your daily choices preach louder than your lips. May your inner sense of satisfaction be your noise in the end.

And if your present life only teaches you one thing, let it be that taking a passionate leap is always worth it. Even if you have no idea where you’re going to land — even when there are so many unknowns — be brave enough to stand up and listen to your heart. Remember that the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything! (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4. Life’s storms can be a great source of strength.
Hard times are like strong storms that blow against you. And it’s not just that these storms hold you back from places you might otherwise go. They also tear away from you all but the essential parts of your ego that cannot be torn, so that afterward you see yourself as you really are, and not merely as you might like to be.

Ultimately, you realize you are here to endure these storms, to sacrifice your time and risk your heart. You are here to be bruised by life. And when it happens that you are hurt, or betrayed, or rejected, let yourself sit quietly with your eyes closed and remember all the good times you had, and all the sweetness you tasted, and everything you learned. Tell yourself how amazing it was to live, and then open your eyes and live some more.

Because to never struggle would be to never grow. You must let go of who you were so you can become who you are. Again, it is within the depths of the strongest and darkest storms that you discover within you an inextinguishable light, and it is this light that illuminates the path forward.

5. You don’t need all the answers right now.
Accept the feeling of not knowing exactly where you are going, and train yourself to love and appreciate this sensation of freedom. Because it is only when you are suspended in the air, with no destination in sight, that you force your wings to open fully so you can fly. And as you soar around you still may not know where you’re traveling to. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is the opening of your wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as your wings are spread, the winds will carry you forward.

Truth be told, some of the greatest outcomes that transpire in your life will be the ones you never even knew you wanted. As long as you keep your mind open to new perspectives and yourself moving forward, there really are no wrong turns in life, only paths you didn’t know you were meant to travel. And you never can be certain what’s around the corner.  It could be everything, or it could be nothing. You keep gliding steadily forward, and then one day you realize you’ve come a long way from where you started.

All details aside, someday all the pieces will come together. Unimaginably good outcomes will likely transpire in your life, even if everything doesn’t turn out exactly the way you had anticipated. And you will look back at the hard times that have passed, smile, and ask yourself.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Surviving Grief

Over the past few days, I have been enmeshed with Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Option B’. Sheryl is the COO of Facebook, and perhaps more famous for another masterpiece she authored ‘Lean In.’ She wrote Option B following the sudden death of her husband, Dave Goldberg when he was just 47 years old. In writing about grief, Sheryl remarks ‘Grief is a whisper in the world and a clamor within. More than sex, more than faith, even more than its usher death, grief is unspoken, publicly ignored except for those moments at the funeral that are over too quickly.’

In this life, I have come to the conclusion that we will all suffer grief. If not today, tomorrow certainly. It is an inevitable outcome. And most times, grief does not change us, it reveals us. We have either lost a loved one, or know somehow who has lost a loved one. One of the clichés you hear from sympathizers in those times are things like ‘I know what you are going through.’ Truth is that, they don’t. You also hear people say ‘This too shall pass.’ Truth is this: It will not pass, and you will never completely heal. They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite. Bishop T.D Jakes once explained that after his mother passed on, one sympathizer told him ‘God will give you double for your trouble’ and then he thought to himself ‘What does that even mean? Will God give me two new mamas? It was a startling consolation.’ In truth, many of those who sympathize with us during times of grief and mourning usually mean no harm, but sometimes, their words might deepen the tears more than it does to ease the heart. A vivid example was one that Sheryl Sandberg shared in her book ‘A woman I met chose to go to work the day after her husband died because she could not bear to be at home. To this day, she still feels the disapproval of colleagues who said to her, "I'd think you'd be too upset to be here today." You would think, but you just don't know.’ We simply shouldn’t tell people how to grief, we shouldn’t tell them how to mourn or how long to grief. We simply never know for we all suffer differently, and we heal differently.

However, whatever your grief is, you must find meaning in it. There must be some purpose to the pain, and even if it doesn’t fully make sense at the time, we must realize that some things will only make sense in hindsight. While I managed my own individual grief, I started to learn that no matter how sad I felt, another break would eventually come. It helped me regain a sense of control. As we grief, we must always hold on to the fond memories, and channel our pain as a reason to go on. One way to deal with grief is to always ask yourself ‘what will the person I grief about want for me at this time?’ Most often than not, the answer is that they want you to find strength, and somehow, trudge on.

Writing about grief, Anne Lamott said: “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 

The Art of Being Grateful on Really Hard Days

If you’re always grateful for the little things, it’s hard to avoid happiness. It’s a lack of gratitude that often keeps us feeling down.

Yes, there are incredibly painful parts of my life, and it’s OK to feel the pain they bring. But it’s also important that I remember the rest of my life too, and to also remember that even the painful experiences make life as intricate and remarkable as it is.

The bottom line is that the art of being grateful on really hard days starts with you. And make no mistake about it: the secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful. Then you do it again and again. If you forget, begin again.

A few minutes per day spent journaling a gratitude list, or just reflecting on what you’re grateful for at the moment, can change your life. Do it every morning or evening, by setting a reminder alarm if you must, and see how it affects you.

Don’t rush through it either—don’t do it carelessly. Really try to feel genuine gratitude in your heart and mind for everything you list. Focus on the little miracles in your life. And appreciate all your progress too. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve grown a lot through the ups and downs. Give yourself credit and gratitude for your resilience, and how far you’ve come.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Always Say Yes!

Last week, I was part of an International Womens’ Day conference in Europe. One of the guest speakers was Kristin Kragseth, the CEO of Var Energi. In a speech that lasted almost 40 minutes, she made a litany of profound, and honestly, didactic points. However, the big takeaway for me was this ‘when someone asks you if you could do a task, or offers you an opportunity, always say yes. You might have constrains and limitations, but first say yes before your buts. When someone believes in you, don’t be the one to put limitations on yourself.’

Those words pierced me so hard, I knew instantly that I was going to make a blog post out of it. Personally, this has been my story for the most part. I have said ‘Yes’ to opportunities I felt ill prepared for at the time. I have said ‘Yes’ to leadership positions I knew next to nothing about at the time I was being offered. But now I look back in hindsight, I can say in all good conscience that those ‘Yes’ have made a huge difference.

The caveat though is that if it is an opportunity you don’t want for personal reasons, or if it is one that makes you compromise on your core values, then it is fine to say ‘No.’ The focus here is when there is a genuine opportunity for growth at work, school, business, church, whatever.

The point is this – before someone offers you an opportunity, they must have seen something in you that convinces them that you are good enough to be given a chance. Certainly, no one is the finished article as at the time of being offered a chance. That feeling of unease and sense of inadequacy is only normal and comes with the terrain. I have always believed that there is hardly any job that is rocket science except maybe rocket science itself. This is to say that we can master almost anything, it just needs time and a bit of sheer application.

Many have passed up fantastic opportunities at different times in life because they thought of themselves as being ‘not good enough’, but to never try is to never fully know. Little wonder Richard Branson once said, ‘If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!’ The trick is to always say yes. Your ‘yes’ can make all the difference.

7 Things You Never Have to Wear Again

1. You never again have to wear the guilt of your past.
Guilt and regret about the past aren’t serving your present. In fact, because of that guilt, you aren’t fully enjoying your current life. Whether it is guilt about letting go of something in your closet that you spent too much on, or guilt about a past relationship or anything in between, you have paid enough. You’ve paid with your money, time, attention and emotion. You can stop paying now. Let go, apologize, forgive and choose to live free of guilt and regret.

2. You never again have to wear your pain.
How many times have you tried to shop away your pain? Retail therapy is an expensive way to relieve the pain of boredom, frustration and heart ache and it only delivers temporary relief. You can’t shop your way out of of pain. I tried and it didn’t work. I did learn though that you can shop yourself into a tremendous amount of debt which leads to more pain, and then more shopping.

Instead of wearing your pain, trade shopping for self care. When you are in pain your heart isn’t saying, “Let’s go shopping.” It’s saying, “Please, take care of me.”

3. You never again have to wear the pressure to prove yourself.
I tried to prove who I was by what I wore and by what I accomplished. The problem was that there was always more to prove and eventually I forgot who I was in the process.

If you have to prove yourself to people you love, that isn’t love. If you struggle to prove yourself at work, maybe you aren’t doing the right work. If you don’t believe me, just stop for a while. Stop pushing and proving and wishing that people would see you the way you think you need to be seen to succeed. Instead, let them see you for you. It’s then that you can finally really be you.

4. You never again have to wear your failures.
Failure gets such a bad rap but it’s nothing more than a stepping stone to success. It’s through the failures that we learn new approaches and ways of doing things. You don’t have to feel sad or bad for failing because if you are failing, that means you are trying. If you must wear your failures, wear them with a smile. You earned them and now you are using them to better your life.

5. You never again have to wear goals you’ve outgrown.
Letting go of goals and dreams can be the most challenging of all. As our lives change, we change, and things that seemed so important years ago may slowly fade away. Instead of beating yourself up for not achieving your old goals, focus on your new dreams and develop goals or bucket lists that reflect who you are right now.

Additionally, make sure your goals are your goals. Are they yours or are they goals that you think other people have for you or expect from you. Let go of any that aren’t yours. The difference you will make in the world when you start chasing YOUR dreams and goals will be extraordinary.

6. You never again have to wear everything you think.
Often, our thoughts can weigh us down but thoughts are just thoughts. Some are true and real and some aren’t. When we cling too tightly to believing everything we think, we distance ourselves from the truth. Questioning the truth of my thoughts has prevented me from over reacting in some situations and helped me let go of other things more easily. Once you realize that all of your thoughts aren’t true, they will be much lighter.

7. You never again have to wear other people’s expectations.
Giving myself permission to let go of my need to meet other people’s expectations or to feel any kind of way based on judgements (good or bad) helps me to trust myself and allows me to love my life regardless of outside feedback. I’m not good or bad or right or wrong because of what anyone else thinks. I can’t control what they think and I’m not going to change myself trying.

When you stop wearing the weight of other people’s expectations and judgements, you’ll be more connected to who you are and to what matters to you. When you let go of what other people think, you’ll gain clarity and freedom to enjoy your life.

(MARCANDANGEL).