We Are All Bullies: Reflections From Sylvester's Death

 

Recently, there have been a outcry over the unfortunate death of Sylvester Oromoni. A young man, cut short in his prime in his pursuit of the golden fleece of knowledge. The circumstances surrounding the death of Sylvester is replete in public domain, and to rehash it here will be to somewhat relive the harrowing experience twice. No child, heck, no one should be subjected to such perilous experience, and the story of his demise is begging for more answers than questions. But before we go on a tangent of how Dowen College is the guinea pig here, one cannot help but wonder if we are not all accomplice as a society. That Sylvester went through such horror is one thing, but that there was an enabling environment that made the horror possible is another thing. Simply put, we all failed Sylvester. We are indeed a society of bullies.

In many workplaces today, many are subjected to all sorts of inhumane treatment in their quest for a better life. Bosses parade themselves as demi gods who must be feared, worshipped and adored. These bullies take advantage of the decayed economy and the overbloated vault of unemployed Nigerians. Employees are at the mercy of employers with our porous labour laws hardly providing succour. They are harassed, assaulted and bullied. Some of these bullies will be the first to have their nose in the air and heave in contempt of the bullies in Sylvester's story. Hypocrisy at its finest.

Nigeria ranks high in the list of countries with great degree of domestic violence. There are bullies in many homes. Husbands who pound their wives, physically and emotionally. Wives who do the same. Domestic helps who are treated as sub-humans and the list is endless. Yet, some of these people will be acolytes in the Sylvester Oromoni justice procession. Some of them will take front row in the discourse. Who is fooling who? 

We are a nation of bullies. Everyday, in our streets we see people trying so vehemently to take advantage of others. The places of worship and business enterprises are not spared. When stories such as that of Sylvester manifests, many try to pretend that there are no parallels with their bullying lifestyles in their own little world. We fane empathy, we dawn the toga of concern, we tweet and post heartbroken emojis, we write epistles on Facebook. It is a just thing to speak up in the face of injustice but the table of justice is one that we must come to with clean hands. We all failed Sylvester by contributing to a culture that breeds and embolden bullies. While we seek Justice for Sylvester, we should be circumspect and look inwards. Are we not really guilty of bullying in some aspects of our individual lives and interactions? 

10 Things You Do NOT Need to Be Happier in Life

 

1. To please everyone – Be careful not to give so much of yourself to others that you end up completely losing yourself. When you go around pleasing everyone but yourself, you are the one that gets hurt in the end. The late and great Herbert Bayard Swope said it like this: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” That is spot on advice if you ask me. Because truthfully, you are never going to please everyone anyway. At some point you will hold an unpopular opinion – one that gives you meaning and makes you feel alive. And when you do, you ought to hold on tight, tune out the noise, and make it count.

2. Everything to be easy – You have to do hard things to be happy in life. The things no one else is doing. The things that frighten you. The things others can’t do for you. The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward. Because those are the things that define you. Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living – between knowing the path and walking the path – between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and success.

3. Certainty and guarantees – Some people build too many walls in their lives and not enough bridges. It sounds crazy, but they would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy. Don’t be one of them. Open yourself up. Take chances. Run free. To accomplish amazing things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. Be a dreamer, a believer, and a courageous and cheerful thinker. Be a positive motivator, a productive doer, and a go-getter who keeps her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground. Let the spirit of passion and possibility ignite a fire within you to do something worthwhile today and every day, and don’t forget to spread your enthusiasm to those around you. 

4. To be better than others – The size of our universe shrinks dramatically when we place ourselves at the center – when we think everyone is our competition – when we think we have to be richer, smarter, and more attractive than the person sitting next to us. Such a goal just keeps a person alienated and tirelessly running in place. Now, on the flip-side, take someone who doesn’t keep score, who’s not looking to be richer, or smarter, or more attractive, who has not the slightest interest even in being better than anyone else: she’s free. Bottom line: Compete with yourself only.

5. More control over everything and everyone – Sometimes we put too much interest into trying to control every tiny aspect of our lives. Learn to relax and ride the path that life takes you sometimes. Incredible change will happen in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you do not. Freeing yourself from trying to control the insignificant and uncontrollable things lets you experience more of the goodness around you. In fact, the greatest joys are often the unexpected surprises that arrive when you are flexible and open to life’s twists and turns.

6. Immense moments of glory – Graduations, wedding days, lavish vacations – these times are often fun-filled and deeply celebrated, but these times pass, because time passes. This is something we rarely grasp at first. True, lasting happiness is found in the appreciation of all the small things. For me, there are random moments – tossing a salad, coming up the driveway to our home, ironing the seams flat on a dress shirt, standing at the kitchen window and looking out at the sun rising over the Austin skyline, hearing a giggle from my son who’s playing in the other room – when I feel a wavelike rush of joy. This is my true happiness: arbitrary moments of sudden, throbbing appreciation for a life I feel privileged to lead.

7. Other people to constantly validate me – Relationships are essential, but happiness originates from within. It is not exclusively dependent on external validation or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend entirely on the behavior and actions of others. Keep this in mind. Never give all your power to anyone else. Until you make complete peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have or who you’re with. Learn to love and respect yourself first, before loving the idea of other people loving and respecting you.

8. Perfect harmony in all relationships at all times – Harmony in relationships is nice when it’s sincere, but too often we try to fake it. Effective communication is king. You have to talk it out sometimes. After all, the only way to be happy in life is to live with integrity. This means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Being clear and asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create occasional tension. Behaving in ways that are in agreement with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not just what others believe. 

9. A superior time and place – The reason many people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. The key, of course, is to do the opposite. Appreciate your past without reliving it, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear. Life is simply too short to spend at war with yourself. Letting go of the past and future is your first step to happiness and peace in the present. Realize that you are today where your thoughts and actions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and actions today take you. Bottom line: You can’t stop the future. You can’t rewind the past. The only way to live is to press play, and dance.

10. Happiness 24/7 – Absolutely no one is happy all of the time. Because you simply can’t be happy unless you’re unhappy sometimes. This is a harsh truth, I know. Just keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal to experience considerable fluctuations in your level of happiness from day to day, month to month, and even year to year. Believing and expecting otherwise will only lead to disillusionment. But even when life is less than blissful, you are still in charge of how you respond. Choose positivity, always. The greatest act of faith some days is to simply get up and face the day, with a smile.

(MARCANDANGEL).

How Are You Really?

 

Simon Sinek once said that the litmus test to see if you really care is this – when you ask someone ‘How are you,’ do you genuinely wait and listen for the answer. As simple as that sounds, it is profound. People can see through the façade, and for the most part, you can often tell when someone genuinely cares.

Recently, the circus that is Social Media trend was agog with revelations by American actress turned Duchess of Sussex (by marrying Prince Harry), Meghan Markle, that she was suicidal. While there are a lot to unpack in that interview with Oprah, what cannot be disputed is the reality that ‘looks are deceptive,’ and in the words of Meghan herself ‘You have no idea what is going on for someone behind closed doors. Even the people that smile the biggest smiles and shine the brightest light (it seems) you have to have compassion.’

The conversation of mental health in Nigeria has slowly but surely begin to attain relevancy in public discourse. Where weakness was hitherto associated with vulnerability, the narrative is starting to turn on its head. This is partly so because of cases of more and more Nigerians committing suicide, amplified by social media. The attainment to some form of prominence for the subject of mental health can also be attributed to the fact that many battling the scourge are also exhausted, and are beginning to seek for help now; help that is becoming more available than in the past.

With the risk of sounding like a broken record, the place of mental health today cannot be over-emphasized. There are layers of issues many are contending with, and there are no pass marks for ‘performance’ amidst a dissonance with your reality. There is no shame in asking for help. Find a core group of persons you can share with. Be open with this core, be vulnerable. Speak about these things and unravel the layers. Stay away from those who force you to ‘perform’ when you are with them and open the blinds of your life a bit more. Depression is a fat big bully, and like every bully, when you confront it, you will see that there wasn’t much substance to it in the first place.

When mental health acolytes advocate for empathy, it should not be mistaken for sympathy. While one is a call to connect to our humanity, the other can border on the superfluous even though it has its own place. Empathy is so sacrosanct in a world that is becoming rifer with ‘getting back at people,’ quick to sell the ‘cancel culture’ and eager to hurl the ‘savage response’ stones. There is no grace or 'wokeness' in these. Particularly on social media, be circumspect in your exchanges, responses and overall candor. It is possible and fine to hold an opinion that is different from the next person. Afterall, no one is an arbiter of the truism of trends, news and opinions. Be easy in your exchanges; there are no prizes for holding an opinion.

In the final analysis, we are all contending with something, fighting our personal demons and battling with things that scourge our hearts. We all fight differently. Some are famed logophile with their struggles, others are sheer taciturn. There are no right or wrong with these things. Finally, look after yourself. Be great at your job or whatever you do but ensure you can see the wood for the tree in the grand scheme of your life.

20 Things I Learnt in 2020

1. Life's finest moments happen when we least expected

Many of the great experiences I experienced in 2020, I truly didn't see coming by January 1st, but I have always been a stickler for embracing uncertainties. It paid off.

2. One day at a time

What a year! What a bloody year! Perhaps, the biggest lesson for many of us is this one. Trust the chaos and take life one day at a time. This thing called life is far too fleeting to do otherwise.

3. Leave space for the possibility that you might be wrong

For the very reason that you don't have all the answers, leave room for this possibility. You might think you know, but you just might never know.

4. Hold on to that small light in the tunnel

We often wait for that light at the end of the tunnel that we fail to see the flicker, the ray, the breaking light. While you wait, hold on to that small light in the tunnel.

5. Always connect to your core

The story of 2020 pretty much writes itself. Amidst everything I learnt, the pricelessness of connecting to my core was sacrosanct. It could be anything but connecting to your core helps keep your sanity.

6. Never forget your why

One day you are the cock of the walk, the next you are a feather duster. But through it all, remember why you started; why you burnt your bridges and choose this path, why you packed up and travelled this way. Never forget this.

7. At the base of it, everyone is looking after themselves 

When all is said and done, everyone is primarily looking after themselves. This does not make people bad; it is just the way the world is wired. Wisdom is to always look after yourself too. This point cannot be over-emphasized.

8. Practice gratitude journaling 

More than ever before, I was deliberate this year about being grateful, showing gratitude and noting every act of kindness. Consciously keeping a journal of gratitude provides a remarkable perspective in your life. I will recommend you start today.

9. Family is what you say it is

They say blood is thicker than water. While that is largely true, family is ultimately those who have proven over time that they will be in your corner and always have your back. If you don’t get this from your blood ties, ‘make’ your own family.

10. Without God, nothing will ever be enough

It might not be fashionable to wear your spirituality on these days, but that only reinforces the importance. In the final analysis, your relationship with God is the most salient thing. Never lose sight of this.

11. It is fine to cry

Undoubtedly, in 2020, some days were more difficult than others. More than ever before, it is fine to cry when you must. Provide ventilation for your emotions but never wallow in that place. We all need to be vulnerable every now and then. Acknowledge what you feel, feel it…and find a reason to keep going.

12. Find your own support systems 

2020 was that kind of year that required us to be resilient. However, this is that kind of journey that required you to have allies and people who we can always lean on. You need people; never delude yourself that you can go through life on your own.

13. Own your story

It is possible to be singing a different song when others are moaning about the same situation. Empathize with others but don't be apologetic about your story. 

14. Stand for something

It was that kind of year. You either believed in COVID 19 or you did not. You either believed in the vacancies or you did not. You either supported the #EndSARS movement or you did not. Sometimes, seating on the wall is cowardice. You have to stick your head out and be ready to shift ground in the face of superior argument.

15. Be kind 

To quote a few lines from Tim McGraw’s classic song ‘Humble and Kind’ – “Don't take for granted the love this life gives you. When you get where you're going don't forget turn back around. Help the next one in line. Always stay humble and kind.”

16. You are enough 

In this business of life, you need a lot of self-love. Life will always want to remind you of your inadequacies. But, you are enough. I swear you are enough. Always seek to be better, but always be a tad cook-a-hoop about yourself.

17. Be shameless 

In a world of excessive self-preservation, this is important. Once you can kill shame, you unlock a new level of latent boldness and power in you. Act with integrity but don’t be too bothered of ‘shame.’

18. Financial prudence will always win

If there was one year that chiefly buttressed this point, it is 2020. Being savvy to invest, practicing the right savings modalities and being risk sensitive are all important. However, being financially prudence remains pivotal.

19. Almost everything is impermanence 

Literally everything. The wisdom is to never be excessively attached to anything that is fleeting. Enjoy the moment. Love God. Be good and live a full life in all instances.

20. It was still a great year!

While hindsight is 20/20, perspective is always everything! The narrative of how difficult the year has been is already well chronicled. However, when we do our individual introspections, remember that you have survived it all. That is quite something!

 

Awakening of the 'Lazy Youths'

In their books, this was not suppose to happen. After all, these are a set of lazy youths with specialities in watching the Big Brother shows, Netflixing and keeping up with Premier League matches. The worst we could do is rant on social media and forge hashtags that withers away as soon as they are created. 

But alas, there comes a time in the life of a nation when it stands at the crossroads of history and must choose which way to go. And as Nelson Mandela once said, ‘The time comes in the life of any nation when there remains only two choices - submit or fight.' 

To be clear, the call to end police brutality is a call canvassing for human life. Life being at the base of the fundamental human rights, to which no one should be denied. On a personal level, I will always cringe at the sight of police officers from a distance while driving. Tales of friends and family members who have been at the receiving end of police abuse and brutality flood my mind. The disturbing reality that a young man of my age is first dubbed a criminal at first sight, and it is my burden to proof otherwise, that is if I ever get that chance. This starking reality is troubling and honestly, haunts the mind.  

As the #EndSars protests organically grows, and snowballs into a movement, we can all agree that we are on the verge of something. We the young people have woken up from our long and quite frankly, relentless slumber. The rascality and abuse of men of the Special Anti Robbery Squad might have been the trigger but it is foolhardy to suggest that the demands of millions of youths across the nation is confined to just that subject. It has been said, and not without reason, that part of the outcry we see at these protests are results of a long bottled up angst and frustration of many young people with the state of the polity, and particularly with the ruling class. It was about time. The ruling class in Nigeria have never rated the young people, never mind we consist of about 70% of the entire population. The protests lends credence to the truism that without people, there is no power, and nothing is more potent than an idea whose time has come. Moreso, a people who have discovered how much power they wield. The stories of youth audacity, fearlessness, organization and empathy for one another over the last few weeks of protests have been remarkable. Simply remarkable.

As the protests rages on, the big question is what next? No one can fully answer this for sure at this point. However, what is beyond any reasonable doubt is that we the people will only leave the streets (for now) when we can see cogent, fast tracked and sincere actions on the subject of police brutality. The possibility remains that the protests might snowball into other demands for change (and this is not a bad thing in itself). The bigger picture though has to be the capture of political power at all levels by young people. The general elections comes around barely two years from now, and it is not too early to begin the process of floating that youth centric party with true patriots with functioning brain and above board character. Beyond the clamour to end policy brutality, this should be the lasting legacy of the protests. Alas, we might well be rewriting the Nigerian dream but we must realize that the journey is still dauntingly far, and only an unfettered focus, corresponding actions, unity of purpose and a selfless character will help us gain traction. Let no one also be under any form of illusion. The current ruling class will not relinquish power without a fight. 

This is a great time to be alive as a young person in Nigeria. In a nation where finding positives is like clutching on slipping straws, these are truly interesting and exciting times. 

10 Quotes for Letting Go of “How Life Should Be”

1. We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever.

2. Some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

3. Letting go isn’t forgetting, it’s remembering without fear. It’s stepping forward with a present mind and a lesson learned. So just remind yourself right now: you are not your bad days, you are not your mistakes, you are not your scars, and you are not your past. Be here now. Be free.

4. Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

5. Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head.

6. Life is change. You must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

7. Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to gradually master you. (Marc and I discuss this further in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

8. Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it.

9. In the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. (The same is true for you, too.)

10. Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

(MARCANDANGEL).

3 Ways to Break Through When You’re Burning Out and Ready for a Change

 

1. Let visual reminders keep you focused and on track.

You can post meaningful quotes on your bedroom wall, or find a coffee a mug that has a motivational message on it (mine says “Every Day is an Opportunity”). But you can also take it a step further than that too.

Few good things come easy, and when the going gets tough we often take the easy way out even though the easy way takes us the wrong way.

To combat this, I create tangible reminders that pull me back from the brink of my weak impulses. For example, I have my laptop’s desktop background set to a photo of my family, both because I love looking at them and because, when work gets really rough, these photos remind me of the people I am ultimately working for. And I’m not the only one who’s successfully using this strategy.

A friend of mine who has paid off almost $100K of debt in the past five years has a copy of his credit card balance taped to his computer monitor; it serves as a constant reminder of the debt he still wants to pay off. Another friend keeps a photo of herself when she was 90 pounds heavier on her refrigerator as a reminder of the person she never wants to be again.

Think of moments when you are most likely to give in to impulses that ultimately burn you out and take you farther away from what matters most to you. Then use visual reminders to interrupt the impulses and rebuild the momentum and inner passion that keeps you on the right track.

Your ultimate goal is living a life uncluttered by most of the impulsive distractions people fill their lives with, leaving you with space for what truly matters. A life that isn’t constant busyness, rushing and resistance, but instead mindful contemplation, creation and connection with people and endeavors that truly matter.

2. Stop waiting for that elusive spark of passion.

Even with a healthy set of visual reminders and good focus, the grind will sometimes burn you out. Your body may eventually grow weary, you may lie awake some nights listening to your past regrets, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you overcome by negativity, or know your respect has been trampled on by unfriendly faces. Life happens! And there’s no doubt that it gets hard at times.

That said, there is one action for daily healing and “breaking through” that works every time: BEING passionate with the small task in front of you. That’s the only positive effort that a battered mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or doubt, and never dream of regretting.

And you don’t have to wait either. You don’t have to search around or “find passion” somewhere outside yourself. You can simply bring passion into the very next thing you do today. You can put your whole heart and soul into it! Again though, that’s easier said than done. Consider these questions I presented in a blog post a few months back:

When was the last time you sat down, or picked up the phone, and had a conversation with someone you love, with zero distractions and 100% focus?

When was the last time you exercised, and literally put every bit of effort you could muster into it. When was the last time you truly tried—I mean TRULY tried—to do your very best?

Be honest with yourself right now. If you’re still waiting to “find” something to be passionate about, what you need to do is the exact opposite!

Put your heart and soul into the small task at hand!

I’m certain you have plenty in your life right now that’s worth living for. You have people and lots of small circumstances you’re taking for granted. You have an endless reservoir of untapped potential within you, just waiting.

Stop waiting!

There is no next opportunity, only the one you have at this moment.

Put your heart and soul (and gratitude) into what you’ve got right in front of you!

3. Give things you can’t control a little more space.

“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” That’s a quote Angel and I heard at a meditation retreat recently in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your attitude about the things you can’t change or don’t need to change.

I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are—instead of trying to tightly control something, you’re loosening up, giving it more space, a larger pasture. The animals will be happier—they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And yet your needs will be met too—you will have more space to be at peace with the way the animals are.

This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life—stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter—the things you actually can control—like your priorities, your self-care, and your attitude about everything.

Ultimately, as you move forward, you want to keep in mind that one of the greatest secrets to peace and happiness is letting most situations be what they are instead of what you think they should be, and then making the best of them.

(MARCANDANGEL).