Football is Back!

As the world attempts to recover from the hysteria that was ‘Neymar’s deal to PSG’, football creeps on us again and offers us a slight reminder that ‘It’s about me and I am almost back’. The end of every football season across Europe ushers in new anticipation almost immediately. There are summers where football is extended either by a continental event or by the confederations cup; but even that pales in comparison to European league blitz and excitement. Yet, even among the elite leagues in Europe, it is a consensus that while the English Premier League might not be the league with the best quality of football, it is light years ahead of its peers in excitement, competitiveness and glamour. The Premier league has come of age. From insane money injection to TV rights deals that astounds the mind, the 2017/2018 season promises to be even better.

At the beginning of last season, most bookmakers predicted a two-horse race between the Manchester clubs. The deflection of attention suited Antonio Conte and Chelsea perfectly. Though the media continuously touted it to be a race between Chelsea and Spurs to retain interest, in truth, it was a procession from the Blues. Chelsea undoubtedly benefitted from the lack of European involvement last season and the big question going into this season is if the Blues have the squad to compete in several murky waters. The sale of about 17 players in the summer (though majority of these were fringe players) only magnified the thinness of the team. Reuben Loftus-Cheek, Nathaniel Chalobah, Nathan Ake, Kurt Zouma and the likes might not be starters but their presence provided numbers and cover for the most part. The acquisition of Tiemoue Bakayoko almost seems like a bargain in a transfer market that has gone bonkers. He has the physicality and energy needed for the league. However, question marks remain over Alvarao Morata. He certainly has the talent, but the cynics maintain that there is a reason he was a fringe player in Madrid. Amidst the noise about Morata, a lot hinges on the fitness of Eden Hazard and we might be surprised to find out that a certain Michy Batshuayi might steal the headline in the coming season.

How Arsene Wenger could survive the incessant clamour to step down at the end of last season can only be a leverage that can be pulled by being on a job for two decades. From the vitriol of Arsenal Fan TV to the ‘Wenger Out’ banners consistently trudged over the Emirates stadium, the pressure from Wenger reached an all-time crescendo. Salvaging the FA trophy at the final game of last season might be clutching on straws but it was enough to give Wenger ‘a vote of confidence’. The Gunners might not be in the elite European Champions League next season, and as United found out last season, involvement in the Europa League takes its own toll. The acquisition of club record signing, Alexandre Lacazette from Lyon, is by far the biggest Arsenal transfer business. The Frenchman is a goal machine and appears to have all the attributes needed for his new job. The goal for Arsenal will be to win the elusive premier league title and keeping Alexis Sanchez at the club, is super pivotal to making that happen. It might be cliché but just like Merlin, the immediate future of Arsenal rests on Sanchez. When he is at it, no one comes close in the league.

History suggest that Jose Mourinho has enjoyed his greatest successes in his second season at almost every club he has been to. Some might dismiss this a coincidental conjecture but this might be untrue, after all, even the most ingenious of us need time. Mourinho is a serial winner and his marriage with United last season was a union where both parties needed each other almost equally. Mourinho needed to redeem an image slighted by the nonsense that was Chelsea’s season in 2015/2016, and United needed a big name to revive an empire under decline since the departure of Sir Alex Ferguson. Football narrative was turned on its head when Romelu Lukaku opted for the theatre of dreams ahead of Fulham road. Mourinho will care less. Lukaku guarantees goals and the biggest question mark on the Belgian is whether he can deliver on the big stage. It was also key that United could keep goal keeper, David De Gea. As age takes a toll on Gianluigi Buffon and Manuel Neuer, the Spaniard could well be the best thing between the stick in world football today. Jose has recruited well and while splashing 40 million Euros on a 29-year-old defensive midfielder borders on the ridiculous, a bit of perspective is required. Top quality defensive midfielders are in short supply these days and Nemanja Matic is one that has won almost everything and knows the league; having conquered it with Jose in 2014/2015. The pressure is massive on Jose and United to succeed this season. Winning the Europa League and the League Cup last season masked the failures of that campaign, but there will be no mercies spared the Reds this time around.

Queue in City: A club with the acclaimed best manager in modern day football. A club with the most potent striker in the premier league over the past few seasons. A club with a frontline that will send shivers down the spine of any defense in world football. A club with the best right back in the league. A club with the most expensive defense every assembled in the history of the game. It is easy to see why the smart money is on Manchester City to win the league this season. Few will disagree that Pep Guardiola massively underachieved last season. Yet, in a season that was poor on grades, there were flashes of what this team can do. When they click, they are unbelievable. City’s problem has never been lack of goals. It is in defense that their troubles lurk. The shenanigans of Claudio Bravo cannot be quickly forgotten, but with the Brazilian goal keeper, Ederson acquired, and a backline of Kyle Walker, Danilo, Vincent Kompany and Benjamin Mendy, it is difficult to see what will stop City. Winning the league and getting to the latter stages of the Champions League is the minimum requirement for City’s season to be ticked as ‘successful’.

For Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur, they certainly cannot be pushed aside. Liverpool will always be in contention; it is whether they have the stomach and tenacity for the marathon. Keeping Mane fit and ensuring Coutinho stays will be dynamics that will impact on their overall season. And then Tottenham Hotspurs. Chelsea might have been the most consistent side last campaign but Spurs were the best to watch. The tough task was for chairman Daniel Levy and Coach Mauricio Pochettino to retain the squad, and save for Walker (Tripper is more than a capable replacement), they have managed to do that (as at the time of writing; you never fully know). It remains to be seen how they adapt to playing away from their defunct home, and conquer Wembley. The club has done little business and many have criticized Spurs of standing still while their rivals have strengthened. It is a logical point on face value, but when one juxtapose it against the fact that Spurs have the youngest squad in the Division, it quells the doubt. Dele Alli, Harry Kane, Christian Eriksen and the likes will only get better. It is in squad depth that Tottenham might be found wanting. In conclusion, it will make for another footballing folktale to have a story such as ‘Leicester City of 2015/2016’; or if that is asking for too much, a team that will at least come close. Whatever be the case, if last season was touted as ‘the clash of new box office managers’, the impending one can be termed as ‘whose cash will yield the most value?’ If this league has taught us anything in recent times, it is that it is no respecter of the form book, erudite pundits or renowned bookmakers.

Life Gives Every Man His Own Share Of Pain

All men is dealt a measure of pain – Unknown

As the cliché goes, everyone is fighting something. Life gives each man his own fair share of troubles, hurts and demons. No one is spared. Don’t let appearance or status delude you, we all have issues in our lives and we all have that one thing we struggle to tell anyone about. Some of us have just made a mastery of dealing with it diligently and astutely without finding sympathizers.

If you live very long enough, you will discover that everyman has his own fair share of pain. Do not let appearances and outlook fool you. We are all fighting something and as T.D jakes once put it ‘We all have a private wound in a private place.’ It is for this reason that you have to be careful when you point an accusing finger to the next man. When you see a child go wayward, don’t be quick to throw jibes at the parent for doing a poor job at parenthood. You simply don’t know the full story. And as it often happens in life, your case might be worse. Sometimes, life just happens. I remember seeing a movie titled ‘The Words’ and the young lady asked the old man in the movie after so many years of youthful promise that ended in broken dreams ‘What happened to you?’ and gazing into nothingness, the man replied ‘Life.’ You must recognize that at times in our world, life just happens amidst all your plans, dedication and hardwork.

For some of us, we have lost loved ones when we really prayed and did all we could to save them. For some, you have cried yourself to sleep in fighting that habit that is threatening your destiny. In this world we all will suffer. The perfection of creation was corrupted by the fall and, with it, human nature. So, because of the fall, we must do our work while feeling the prick of thorns. Even the good book said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" There is comfort in suffering--because there is purpose to it. Like David we all can say, "It was good for me to be afflicted. Now I obey your law." As Jamie Buckingham once said "He whom God loveth he beateth the hell out of."

Sometimes we just live in worlds where we see the outside and forget the inside. We forget that so many of us are walking journeys that aren’t easy or ideal. We see the other mums who seem to have it all together and then we wonder why we don’t. We see and think that everyone else is happy and yet we can’t even make it through a game of Old Maid with the kids before we’re wishing to get something else checked off the list. Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing. It doesn’t matter if what we post on social media says otherwise. If everyone’s lives were exactly the way they made it out to look like on Instagram and Facebook, their lives would be so put together. Flawless, even. But is that the case? No. Not even a little bit. So, don’t get worked up thinking it is only you dealing with the lions in the den because your life doesn’t appear as perfect as that your university friend on Facebook, Snapchat or Instagram.

Most times, the problem isn’t that life is unfair. It is often our broken idea of fairness that is the problem. Our idea of fairness isn’t actually obtainable. It’s really just a cloak for wishful thinking. The reality is that everyman goes through issues and situation that some of us will never fathom. Whether it meets our definition of life being fair is a different subject. Of all the things that can be stolen from you – your possessions, your youth, your health, your words, your rights – what no one can ever take from you is your freedom to choose what you will believe in, and it is pertinent to believe rightly. Everyman in life gets his own fair share of pains.

(Culled From My Book ‘The Path Less Travelled’. To read the book review or purchase on Amazon, follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=samuel+okonkwo).

3 Toxic Behaviors that Drain Your Mental Energy

1. Your inner craving to control the uncontrollable.

Letting go of control… and being OK with it. That is one of the greatest struggles many of us deal with on a daily basis, myself included. Because letting go of control goes directly against our modernized, industrialized way of living – we are go-getters, doers, architects of our destiny. We build things and make things happen on our own terms; we don’t wait for anything to happen on someone else’s terms! At least that’s what I learned growing up from teachers, sports coaches, movies, songs, magazine articles, and so forth. So allowing things to happen was not in my DNA. I had never been one to sit back and passively let go of control.

Over the years, however, my perspective has shifted. I’ve learned the hard way that a great deal of the control we believe we have over our lives is an illusion. For example, I’ve since met…The only choice we have: Let go, and be mindful…In the game of life, we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you respond to the hand you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof or empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of every outcome as it arises, even when it’s heartbreaking and hard to accept. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is our biggest battleground. It’s the place where the strongest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things we thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where our expectations always get the best of us. It’s where we fall victim to our cravings to control the uncontrollable. And if we allow these thoughts and cravings to dwell in our minds, they will succeed in robbing us of peace, joy, and ultimately our lives. We will think ourselves into deep heartache and even depression.

Truthfully, there’s so much about life that we can’t control, it makes no sense to waste all our energy on these things and then blatantly neglect everything we CAN control. We can choose how we spend our time right now. We can choose gratitude and grace. We can choose whom we socialize with – whom we share this day of our lives with. We can choose to love and appreciate the people in our lives for exactly who they are. We can choose to love and appreciate ourselves too. We can choose how we’re going to respond to life’s surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether we will see them as curses or opportunities for personal growth. And, perhaps most importantly, we can choose to adjust our attitudes and let go of all our worries about everything we can’t control, which in turn frees us up to take the next best step forward in our lives. But what happens if you don’t? What happens if you refuse to let go? Gradually, you will drain nearly every bit of your mental energy, as you consume yourself with…

2. Your resistance to the present reality of your life.

When life has to be a certain way in order to be good enough for you, you instantly close yourself off from all the real and present opportunities available – you spend all your mental energy resisting life, rather than making the best of it. And sadly, this is how the vast majority of the human population lives – stuck in a perpetual cycle of resistance. But YOU DON’T have to continue this cycle.

Again, you can free your mind! When you consciously choose to let go of the way it “should” be, you free your mind to deal with life’s unexpected changes, challenges and chaos in the most effective way possible…You create space for acceptance, learning and growth. You learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. You see the world through an unbiased set of eyes. And gradually, you allow yourself to step forward with a clear and focused mind. It’s all about accepting what is, letting go of what was, and having faith in your journey. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. – it doesn’t matter what you title it…what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those parts of your life that are over, so you can better attend to the present. What has happened is uncontrollable; what you do now changes everything!

Of course, knowing this and actually living a lifestyle that reinforces this truth are two very different things. Letting go – changing the way you think – is NOT easy; it’s a journey that is traveled one day at a time. Choose wisely! Things will happen that are unexpected, undesirable, and uncontrollable. But you can always choose to take the next tiniest step. Be brave and take it…Choose to make mistakes, learn from them, let go of them, and move along. Choose to think better about the past and present, so you can consciously make the best of the rest of your life. Choose to stop…

3. Your participation and engagement in needless drama.

The two points covered above directly lead to this one – whenever we demand control over the uncontrollable, or stubbornly resist the present reality of our lives, needless drama ensues. Drama is simply the consequence of our inner conflicts with outer incidents. Thus, the drama you are going through at any given moment is not fueled by the words or deeds of others, or any external sources at all; it is fueled primarily by your mind that gives the drama importance. And yes, we all do this to ourselves sometimes.

But why? Why do we get so easily stressed out and sucked into drama? It’s because the world isn’t the predictable, orderly, blissful place we’d like it to be. We want things to be easy, comfortable and well ordered 24/7. Unfortunately, sometimes work is hectic, relationships are challenging, people demand our time, we aren’t as prepared as we’d like to be, our family frustrates us, and there’s just too much to do and learn and process in our minds. So our inner conflict begins to boil over. But, again, the problem isn’t the world, or other people’s thoughts and behavior – these aspects of life will always be a bit of an unpredictable mess.

The problem is that we’re holding on too tightly to ideals that don’t match reality. We have subconsciously set up expectations in our minds of what we want other people to be, what we want ourselves to be, and what our work and relationships and life “should” be like. Our attachment to our ideals stirs anxiety in our minds and stress in our lives. In other words, our resistance to accept things as they are fuels our drama. And we don’t want to be a part of this drama – at least that’s what we tell ourselves – so we blame others for it … which in turn creates even more of it. But there’s good news! We can let go of drama, and find peace with reality.

How? I’m going to suggest a simple practice for whenever you feel stress, resistance, frustration, worry, and all the other draining mindsets that fuel drama in your life: Focus, carefully, on what you’re feeling. Don’t numb it with distractions, but instead bring it further into your awareness. Turn to it, and welcome it. Smile, and give what you feel your full, thoughtful attention. Notice the feeling in your body. Where is the feeling situated, and what unique qualities does it have? Notice the tension in your body, and also in your mind, that arises from this feeling. Try relaxing the tense parts of your body. Then relax the tense parts of your mind. Do so by focusing on your breath: Close your eyes, breathe in and feel it, breathe out and feel it, again and again, until you feel more relaxed. In this more relaxed state, find some quiet space within yourself. And in this space…Allow yourself to rediscover the fundamental goodness within you, that’s present in every moment. Allow yourself to rediscover the fundamental goodness of this very moment, that’s always available to you whenever you’re willing to focus on it. Take time to just sit with the inner peace these two simple rediscoveries bring.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Who Wants Buhari Dead?

May 7th was the date when President Buhari proceeded on his second medical mission to the United Kingdom for the year. The change ‘poster boy’ has been bedeviled by an undisclosed ailment that has derailed his attention away from presidential duties. The hue and cry that have trailed the absence of the president smacks of the reality that is the social media age. In an era where every Nigerian is armed with 140 twitter characters, and creation of sensational memes is no one’s prerogative, the hysteria has been unbelievable. Some have lampooned the ailing president; others have carried out prayer campaigns for his recovery. The reaction has been surreal.

The general consensus is that the acting president, Yemi Osinbajo has done an okay job in the president’s absence. He has steadied the ship at the least. The reality is that the constitution for all its flaws, envisaged such a scenario and made provisions to ensure that there is no power lacuna. In a sane society, the business of running government will simply continue while the president recuperates in peace in a society with better healthcare. But ours is a society far from sane; a country where everything is politics and politics, everything. A nation that simply never learn from history.

The tale of ‘The Cabal’ is not a strange one in Nigeria’s political narrative. While their form differs from one dispensation to another, their DNA is basically the same. Men and women who loiter in the frontiers of power, poised to guard their interests irrespective of the cost. It was the cabal who stage managed the shenanigans that greeted the pain and eventual demise of late president Umaru Yar’Adua. Strangely, it feels like déjà vu now. Since the departure of president Buhari, this group of sinisters have been on overdrive in their quest to ensure that the president is ‘seen’ to be recuperating, ‘seen’ to be fit, ‘seen’ to be fine. All these to their clandestine interest. In their desperate bid, they have done very stupid things that makes one shudder. One of such bad shot was the president’s voice note that was sent across to Nigerians on the celebration of Eid-El-fitr. The voice note has gotten its own fair share of media analysis and diatribe but it goes without saying that the idea was a foolish one. Yes, it was wrong for the president to address the nation in an ethic dialect that is not the lingua franca but the whole idea that he has to address Nigerians on that occasion was a charade in itself. This is especially so as the vice president was hosting a gathering of Muslim faithfuls in commemoration of the celebration at the time. Again, this feels like déjà vu.

The truth is that hardly anyone wants the president dead. It is not a humane thing to wish death on someone else. More so, his ‘death’ will not quell the yearnings of the average Nigerian on the street. The reality is that the president’s handlers have made a caricature of the whole thing. Their actions emit crude desperation and have made matters worse for the absent president. They have put a strain on him in their attempts to portray him as ‘recuperating.’ In fairness, it is the cabal that wants the president dead by their actions. The ones that Aisha Buhari described in her Facebook animal kingdom analogy. Perhaps, it is true as she noted that the ‘weaker animals have been answered and that Hyenas and Jackals will be kicked out of the kingdom’.

19 Mantras that Will Adjust Your Attitude (When You Can’t Adjust Anything Else)

1. Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Be mindful.
2. Happiness doesn’t start with a better relationship, a better degree, a better job, or more money. It starts with your thinking and what you tell yourself today.
3. You may not be able control all the things that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
4. When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself. And doing so, in turn, changes everything.
5. You alone get to choose what matters and what does not. The meaning of everything in your life has precisely the meaning you give it.
6. Use your struggles and frustrations today to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
7. Worrying never changes the outcome. Breathe more and worry less. Train your mind to see the lesson in every situation, and then make the best of it.
8. Be selective in your battles. Peace always feels better than being right. You simply don’t need to attend every conflict you’re invited to.
9. Even when you are upset, don’t be hateful – keep your heart and mind wide open. Peace is not the absence of pain, but the presence of love.
10. Just wish people well, even if they’re rude to you. Embracing their negative energy only harms you at the end of the day. Smile and move forward.
11. Happiness and a negative mindset can’t co-exist. Those who move forward with a positive attitude will find that things always work out better.
12. Truth be told, we either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. In the end, the amount of work is the same.
13. When you really pay attention, everyone and everything is your teacher. Take time to observe and listen. Take time to learn something new.
14. We learn the way on the way. Let go of everything from the past that does not serve you, and just be grateful it brought you to where you are now – to this new beginning.
15. Think of all the hundreds of thousands of steps and missteps and chances and coincidences that have brought you here. In a way it feels like the biggest miracle in the world, doesn’t it?
16. The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you accept that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
17. Letting go isn’t about having the ability to forget the past; it’s about having the wisdom and strength to embrace the present.
18. Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation that no longer fits, or no longer exists.
19. Sometimes you simply have to stop fretting, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.

(MARCANDANGEL).

You Don’t Always Have To Have An Opinion

“Your judgement of other people say more about you than the people that you are judging” – Mhar

At times in life, you don’t always have to air your opinion. You don’t always have to want to prove a point. There are times when accepting feedback and keeping your opinion to yourself saves you from today’s problems and tomorrow’s challenges.

Everywhere we go, someone in our life has an opinion of something we are or are not doing. An opinion on why someone is too young to have kids, but too old to be single. An opinion on why going to University is a waste of money or why not going at all will ruin your life. An opinion on whether you should live with your significant ‘other’ while dating or remain completely solo until married. Do you want me to keep going? I could probably sit here all day making a litany of things people will always have an opinion about. You have life experiences and you want to share the ‘wisdom’ you believe you have acquired. I am not saying it’s a terrible thing, but if we don’t ask you for it then maybe you should think a bit more about keeping it to yourself.
You see, your opinions might be backed by your experience, but I might have a completely different experience. Not to mention, if you are more than 20 years older than me then your experience was surely a bit different than mine. Times change and it is a beautiful thing so let our lives adapt. If you are the kind of person that loves to smear your advice all over everyone else then you might need to take a step back and take a detour for a second.

Scott Berkun shared a terrific story along these lines “Back in my early days at Microsoft I worked on strong teams where you were expected to have opinions. If you saw something stupid happening you were obligated to raise your hand, say “I think this is stupid and here’s why.” If you were right, you were applauded no matter how senior the people in the room were. I argued with group managers, VPs, and many other tough, smart people far more senior than I was. If I was wrong, I was dismissed, but not scolded. I might have heard praise for not being afraid. I thrived in this environment and assumed this was how the world worked. But later, in a new job at Microsoft in a group known as MSTE, I discovered a different world. No one spoke their mind in public. Few people worked hard or asked tough questions. Quality of work, and morale, was low. I felt obligated to mention these facts as often and as loudly as possible to leadership. I even expected to be rewarded for telling people how bad things were. Why wouldn’t they want to hear this? I thought. Before I knew it, I was that guy. The guy who always complains.

In my egocentric view, the work around me was well beneath the bar. But I didn’t stop to think the group had its own bar, it’s own culture and it was not my job to set it. And I was far from having enough respect from anyone to be seen as a leader, which would be required to change the culture anyway. It took months of suffering to realize I was in a different culture with different expectations. It blew my mind to realize there were other cultures at all. To achieve the same positive effects my opinionated nature had early in my career, I’d have to adopt a very different approach. I also realized in the past, in other groups, progress happened not simply because I was right and took a stand (as much as my ego wished it to be true). It happened because my boss, or his/her boss, listened to my points and took action, or granted me the power to do so. Having an idea changes nothing unless someone with sufficient power, and genuine interest, does something about it. The idea alone is never enough. Nor is saying it out loud.”

In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There,” Marshall Goldsmith explains, “It is extremely difficult for successful people to listen to other people tell them something that they already know without communicating somehow that (a) ‘we already knew that’ and (b) ‘we know a better way.’” Most leaders are comfortable with running the show, but do so at the expense of their team’s development. Goldsmith calls it the fallacy of added value, an effect that most of us have experienced time and again. The leader may improve a subordinate’s idea by 5%, but he’s reduced the commitment to executing it by 50% because the leader has essentially made it his own.

Keeping opinions to yourself can be challenging, especially when you have been identified as being a direct and outspoken person. But we as people are a collection of habits. No one is one way all the time, necessarily. You will benefit from reframing your self-image. Instead of "I am direct and blunt", perhaps try saying "I am open and confident." This will free you to pick up habits in addition to the ones you already have that will help you be more adaptive in social situations.

Life wants you to focus on what’s important and not keeping or airing opinions about people, things and events all the time. But you have to know what that is. It is you who is important. Focus on your goals and dreams. Focus on how to make yourself live life to the fullest. And when things get rough, adjust your lenses and see the world beyond yourself. Maybe the world can help you get through it. At times, in life and in business, this might be the most plausible thing to do. Never forget that you must not have an opinion at all times; and this does not reduce you in any way.

(Culled from my book – The Path Less Travelled).

6 Toxic Behaviors that Break Relationships Up

1. Using complaints and disagreements as an opportunity to condemn each other.

Complaints are OK. Disagreements are OK too. These are natural, honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they were busy and forgot, but because they are a horrible, wretched, evil person.” Remember, there’s a big difference between who someone IS and what they sometimes DO.

2. Using hateful gestures as a substitute for honest communication.

Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them. Also, keep in mind that if someone you love makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, let bygones be bygones. Don’t use their past wrongdoings to justify your present righteousness. When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them (“I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past.”), it’s a lose-lose situation. When communication between two people isn’t open and honest, there’s a lot of important stuff that never gets said.

3. Denying responsibility for your role in the relationship.

When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem here is never me, and it’s always you.” This denial of accountability just escalates every argument, because there’s a complete and utter breakdown of communication. The key thing to understand is that you have a choice. Either you’re choosing to be in a relationship with another person, or you aren’t. If you’re choosing to be in, then you are responsible for it. Denying this means you’re giving up all your power to the other person – you’re their victim, regardless of circumstances (positive or negative), because you’ve given them 100% of the responsibility for the relationship you have with them. So remember, even when the behavior driving a relationship dispute belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create more healthy space for yourself, is to first own the fact that you are 50% responsible the relationship at all times. Once you do, you have the power to make progress one way or the other.

4. The silent treatment.

Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them. When you’re ignoring someone, you’re really teaching them to live without you. If that’s what you want, be clear about it. And if not, drop it!

5. Using emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do. The key condition here is that they change they’re behavior, against their will as a result of the emotional blackmail. In other words, absent the emotional blackmail they would live differently, but they fear the penalty and so they give in. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship behavior. The solution, again, relies heavily on better communication. There should NOT be a penalty, just an honest conversation. It’s vital for both parties in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without there being penalties and harsh repercussions. Otherwise both parties will suppress their true thoughts and feelings, which ultimately leads to a relationship filled with distrust and manipulation.

6. Withholding the truth.

Trust is the bedrock of a healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes a long time and commitment on the part of both parties involved to repair it and heal. The key thing to remember here is that secrets can be just as deceitful as openly telling a lie. All too often, I’ll hear a coaching/course student say something like, “I didn’t tell him but I didn’t lie about it, either.” This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks or withholding the truth in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and trust in the relationship completely breaks down. So speak the truth, always. Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about.

(MARCANDANGEL).