7 Hard Things You Should Start Doing for Others

1. Start being a source of sincere support.

The closest thing to being cared for is to care for others. We are all in this together and we should treat each other as such. The very demons that torment each of us, torment others all over the world. It is our challenges and troubles that connect us at the deepest level.

If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life—the ones who truly made a difference—you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems. They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway. Be this person for those around you every chance you get.

2. Start giving people your undivided attention.

There is greatness and beauty in making time, especially when it’s inconvenient, for the sake of someone nearby.

You don’t have to tell people that you care, just show them. In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of results is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.

When we pay attention to each other we breathe new life into each other. With frequent attention and affection our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow wiser and stronger. We help heal each other’s wounds and support each other’s growth. So give someone the gift of YOU—your time, undivided attention and kindness. That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered.

3. Start respecting and supporting people who are different than you.

Life’s greatest privilege is to become who you truly are. You have to dare to be yourself, one hundred percent, however anxious or odd that self may prove to be. The people who support you in doing so are extraordinary. Appreciate these people and their kindness, and pay it forward when you’re able.

Never bully someone into silence. Never victimize others for being different. Accept no one’s close-minded definition of another person. Let people define themselves. You have the ability to show people how awesome they are, just the way they are. So act on this ability without hesitation; and don’t forget to show yourself the same courtesy.

4. Start being willing to be wrong.

The mind is like a parachute; it doesn’t work when it’s closed.

It’s okay to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by others. But that doesn’t give you the right to immediately reject any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse someone of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they are thinking and saying. Learn to recognize the beauty of different ideas and perspectives, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what is comfortable.

Healthy relationships and human interactions are not a power struggle. Be willing to be wrong, while simultaneously exploring your truth.

5. Start giving recognition and praise for the little things.

A brave, extraordinary soul recognizes the strength of others. Give genuine praise whenever possible. Doing so is a mighty act of service. Start noticing what you like about others and speak up. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are is extremely rewarding. It’s an investment in them that doesn’t cost you a thing, and the returns can be astounding. Not only will they feel empowered, but also what goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you too.

Also, be sure to follow this rule: “Praise in public, penalize in private.” Never publicly ridicule someone when you have the option not to. If you don’t understand someone, ask questions. If you don’t agree with them, tell them. But don’t judge them behind their back to everyone else.

6. Start giving people the space to save face.

What others say and do is often based entirely on their own self-reflection. When someone who is angry and upset speaks to you, and you nevertheless remain very present and continue to treat them with kindness and respect, you place yourself in a position of great power. You become a means for the situation to be graciously diffused and healed.

A spiritual teacher once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out; and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing people to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when we realize that people behave in such ways because they are in a place of great suffering. People react to their own thoughts and feelings and their behavior often has nothing directly to do with you.

7. Start being a bit more gentle.

Be gentle and compassionate with those around you. Mother Nature opens millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds. Let this be a reminder not to be forceful with those around you, but to simply give them enough light and love, and an opportunity to grow naturally.

Ultimately, how far you go in life depends on your willingness to be helpful to the young, respectful to the aged, tender with the hurt, supportive of the striving, and tolerant of those who are weaker or stronger than the majority. Because we wear many hats throughout the course of our lives, and at some point in your life you will realize you have been all of these people.

(MARCANDANGEL).

5 Hard Questions that Can Save a Life

1. Are you focusing on what’s truly important?
At every moment, millions of little things compete for your attention. All these things fall into one of two categories: things that are important and things that are not.

People never get more done by blindly working more hours on everything that comes up. Instead, they get more done when they follow careful plans that measure and track key priorities and milestones. So if you want to be more successful and less stressed, don’t ask how to make something more efficient until you’ve first asked, “Do I need to do this at all?”

Simply being able to do something well does not make it the right thing to do. I think this is one of the most common problems with a lot of time-management advice; too often productivity gurus focus on how to do things quickly, but the vast majority of things people do quickly should not be done at all.

2. Are you focusing more on problems or solutions?
Where your mind goes, energy flows. Which area of your life do you tend to focus on: what you have or what’s missing from your life?

I’m sure you think about both sides of this equation. But if you scrutinize your habitual thoughts, what do you tend to spend more time dwelling on? The positives or the negatives?

Rather than focusing on what you don’t have and begrudging those who are better off than you, perhaps you should acknowledge that you have lots to be grateful for. Developing a habit of appreciating what you have can create a new level of emotional well-being and strength. But the real question is: do you take time to feel deeply grateful with your mind, body, heart and soul? That’s where the energy to take positive action comes from.

So don’t let negativity and drama get the best of you. Your brain is a radio transmitter. It broadcasts thoughts, directions and vibrations into your life—you get to choose the station it’s tuned to. Happy, successful people understand this and tune out negativity to make room for positivity. Be wise enough to follow in their footsteps. Walk away from the nonsense around you. Focus on the positives, and soon the negatives will be harder to see.

Also, along these same lines, accept the fact that there’s a lot you can’t control. And if you focus on what you can’t control, you’ll do nothing but create more stress for yourself. So remember, you can influence many aspects of your life but you can’t control them entirely. Once you fully accept and adopt this pattern of thinking, another important question must be asked:

3. What meaning are you assigning to your challenges?
Even when we’re being positive, we all have challenges; there’s no escaping that. But how you feel about your life has little to do with the events in it or what has (or hasn’t) happened to you. The meaning you assign to these things controls the quality of your life. Most of the time, however, you may be unaware of the effect of your unconscious mind in assigning meaning to life’s events. So check-in with yourself…

When something happens that disrupts your life (an illness, an injury, a job loss, etc.), do you tend to think that this is the end or the beginning?
If someone confronts you, is that person insulting you, coaching you or trying to care for you?
Does a big problem mean that God is punishing you or challenging you? Or is it possible that this problem isn’t really a problem at all, but an opportunity?
Bottom line: When something negative happens, view this circumstance as a chance to learn something you didn’t know. Don’t wish it never happened. Don’t try to step back in time. Take the lessons learned and step forward. You have to tell yourself, “It’s OK. I’m doing OK.” You need to know that it’s better to cross new lines and suffer the consequences of a lesson learned from time to time, than to just stare at the lines for the rest of your life and always wonder.

Also keep in mind that the past, even when troubled, is invaluable to your present. It provides a solid foundation for everything you’re doing now. Learn from it—the mistakes and the successes—and then let it go. This process might seem easier said than done, but it depends on your focus. The past is just training; it doesn’t define you in this moment. Think about what went wrong, but only in terms of how it will help you make things right.

When we shift our habitual focus and meanings, there’s no limit on what life can become. A change of focus and a shift in meaning can literally alter our biochemistry and the trajectory of our lives in a couple minutes flat.

So take control and always remember: Meaning equals emotion and emotion equals power. Choose wisely. Find an empowering meaning in any event, and best will always be yours for the taking.

And that leads right in to the next question…

4. What will you do next to make progress?
While everyone else is talking about it, successful people are quietly doing it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum Physics, you can’t change anything or make any sort of real-world progress without taking action. There’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it. Knowledge and intelligence are both useless without action. It’s as simple as that.

Successful people know that a good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed someday. They don’t wait for the “right time” or the “right day” or the “right (impossible) circumstances”, because they know these reactions are based on a fear and nothing more. They take action here and now, today—because that’s where real progress happens.

5. What tangible reminders do you need to see to stay motivated?
You want to lose weight, but when you’re tired, it’s easy to rationalize that you’ll start exercising and eating right tomorrow. You want to build a more profitable business, but when you’re caught up in the daily grind, it’s easy to just do what’s familiar instead of what’s required for growth. You want to nurture your closest relationships, but when you’re busy, it’s easy to rationalize that you really need to work on that client proposal instead.

Few good things come easy, and when the going gets tough we often take the easy way out—even though the easy way takes us the wrong way.

To combat this, many of the happiest and most successful people we know create tangible reminders that pull them back from the brink of their weak impulses. A friend of ours who has paid off almost $100K of debt in the past five years has a copy of his credit card balance taped to his computer monitor; it serves as a constant reminder of the debt he wants to pay off. Another friend keeps a photo of herself when she was 90 pounds heavier on her refrigerator as a reminder of the person she never wants to be again. And another fills his desk with family photos, both because he loves looking at them and because, when work gets really tough, these photos remind him of the people he is ultimately working for.

Think of moments when you are most likely to give in to impulses that take you farther away from your ultimate goals. Then use tangible reminders of those goals to interrupt the impulse and keep you on track.

(MARCANDANGEL).

This is Nigeria...Part 1

Welcome to Nigeria; where masking the truth for political correctness is an art form. Afterall, the truth is subjective and could be a figment of someone else's imagination. There is no point saying it as it is because that has never taken anyone far.

Welcome to Nigeria; where the ruling class reign supreme in their luxury-plated lives with only the social media pangs of their subjects to deal with. The ruling class are emblematic of our national treasure and we all must do everything within and outside our power to ensure they have no worries.

Welcome to Nigeria, where any slightest criticism on the government of the day is synonymous with hate speech, inciting the already heated polity and an affront to the great work of the 'powers that be.' The government of the day must be shielded from any from of public vitriolic. Instead, it behoove on us all to ensure there are adequate praise singers around them. The task of leadership is already a onerous one. There is no need to complicate it with your bastardised input.

Welcome to Nigeria, where everything is politics and politics is everything. In this turf, our human reasoning is shrouded with deep political linings. No one holds an opinion without picking sides. Whatever the content of our conversation, it is nuanced with political affiliations. Indeed, all thoughts are political.

Welcome to Nigeria, where the social contract between the people and the government is ill visited. The trust system is so solid that we find no need to review performance. Afterall, a scorecard assessment is a waste of time with so much more sacrosanct things to do. We will rather give politicians four more years to complete their eight year cycle. It is turn by turn. Everyone will eat. It is just important that we let those whose turn it is to eat have a full, balanced and holistic meal. Patience is key.

7 Life Lessons I Have Learnt From Driving

1. The Road is a leveller

It doesn't matter what you drive, the road is a leveller. Until flying cars become norm, the road remains our primary source of plying. All sorts of cars ply same road. The Ricketies, the Bugattis, the Ferrari all have to make do with same means of conveyance. Just like life, the 'road' happens to us all. It doesn't matter what you drive in life, it is about your contentment in what you drive.

2. You are the driver

It doesn't matter who you have in your car, you are the driver of your life. The driver is the final arbiter in the car. You decide the route, you insist on safety standards such as seat belt usage. Just like in life, you are making choices everyday irrespective of whether you realize it or not. You must always be a player not a victim. We make choices everyday irrespective of whether or not we are conscious of it.

3. There are some circumstances you can't help

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt while driving is that there are many circumstances that you can't control. One of the biggest is the spate of traffic. You can get mad all you want but there is little you can do in this circumstance. The key is to disassociate your happiness from these small stuffs and not put your joy in abeyance. Enjoy the journey. Don't sweat the small stuffs. Don't pull out your hair for situations you can't help. The journey is the destination.

4. Your safety is your responsibility

You can learn all you want about driving procedures and standards. However, once you are behind the steering, your safety is your responsibility and not in any driving handbook. In driving just like in life, you must look out for yourself. You will not always be the priority in the lives of your friends and family. It doesn't make them bad people. Everyone is looking out for himself. Look out for yourself.

5. Beware of short cuts

Short cuts will always be your Achilles heels - so said my driving instructor many years ago. Those are profound words. My experience has always been that you can get stuck in a short cut, and that they are often road traps once you decide to take them. Stay on the main road. Stay on the road you can get support and lighting. Short cuts can kill. In life, you must use the stairs and follow the process. Many of the elevators exalted in life today are facades.

6. Stay on your lane

One of the unwritten, yet mysterious rule of driving is that once you change lanes, your former lane gains traction. It often doesn't matter what lane you are while driving, it will surely move. Many times while driving, I have had the temptation to swap lanes from mine to the other I perceive as moving. Life has taught me that all lanes move, though at different paces and at different times. Ultimately, we all arrive.

7. Defensive driving is everything

The most pivotal learning in any driving school is the act of defensive driving. At the heart of this concept is that you can't vouch for the next man driving on the road, and it is safer to assume that every other road users are lunatics. It is not enough to drive safely, you must drive to protect yourself. Just like in life, guard your self and your sanity against external influence. People will be people, and you never fully know with people. Maintain awareness and drive your life, defensively.

The Lagos Danfo Bus: Our Collective Plight

The Lagos danfo bus, with its trademark yellow colour, is a microcosm of the Nigerian state in more ways than one. The danfo bus is probably as old as Lagos state itself. Every efforts by successive governments to rebrand the danfo bus has proved abortive. It is a brand that thrives in it resistance to change. It has survived the eras of BRT and the emergence of online taxi services such as Uber and Taxify (now Bolt).

The danfo bus is a leveller of classes. In it, there are the working class of all stratas. The suit peddlers working in air conditioned offices around Victoria Island with a paltry take home. There are the traders always on the go, hurling their crafts from place to place. There are the hustlers always on the move with lack of clarity on their destinations. They revere in being on the move and can easily transit crafts depending on the need. One minute they can 'pick' a phone from an inattentive passenger on the danfo bus, the next minute they can be a driver of one big madam, and the subsequent second, they can be running errand for one big man that lives in Lekki. Their trade is in the multiple, never mind them being Jack of it all.

The danfo bus is a circus of angry men and women, who can flare up in the face of the slightest provocation. Most of the faces are scarred by telling wrinkles that could only have been inflicted by sharing the same space with fellow Lagosians. There are the occasional faces crushed by injuries and cuts. This kind is usually the hallmarks of the danfo driver and his second in command, the conductor. This is their craft's badge and the banner of hustle that admits them into the Lagos danfo hall of fame.

The danfo bus is often a beehive of conversations but none thrives better than a discussion on the government of the day. Begin a conversation with 'This our government na wa o' and you are guaranteed to have other conversationalists, never mind if they are strangers. In the danfo bus, the collective struggle and national hardship unites everyone. The solidarity is palpable and in those fleeting moments before anyone arrives at his 'bus stop' they find camaraderie of some sorts. Yet, there is the presence of the occasional 'bundle of knowledge' in most danfo buses. Usually men, these ones are peddlers of half knowledge about various subjects. Their voices are loudest and their only moment in the sun arrives when they educate their fellow danfo travellers.

Like most things synonymous with Lagos, the danfo bus is a place to 'shine your eyes.' Whatever you do, never admit to any wrong doing. Whether it's tactfully fondling a lady's breast or admitting to have paid when you have not, never surrender your initial ground. To win your case, keep your voice at a high pitch. The use of gestures, curse words and reference to 'god' will also help sell your case. There is also the need to be vigilant. If you must sleep in the danfo bus, do it with your eyes wide open.

The danfo bus is an anathema of the Nigerian state, yet it is the kind we condone. It reminds us of our collective plight, and the fact that it has refused to evolve over time is an indicator that change is not a pliable and extant word with our national life.

When The Battle Chooses You

The surest way to get yourself into trouble is to insert yourself into a fight that doesn’t concern you. In many instances in life, we must turn a blind eye, allow sleeping dogs have a field day and simply find a glass of water while minding our business. Too many battles in life are simply not worth the trouble. Yet, this is half-truth.

They say, ‘pick your battles’ but that is premised upon the assumption that you have a choice. There are some battles that leaves you with no options. The kind that arrives uninvited, squared up for the fight, throws down the gauntlet, and draws first blood. Those are battles you can’t refuse. What do we do when the battle chooses us? When life reserves some of it’s biggest blows for us? What do we do when the battle arrives at our doorstep at an inconvenient time?

We must understand the nature of the battle that chooses us. It is only when we understand the nuances of the battle that we can effectively strategize on how to fight it. At times, this battle is life’s way of keeping us in check; of stopping us from getting too comfortable. This is not the kind of battle that your loved ones help you fight. Most times, the battle that chooses us squares up against us alone. If the battle is too big, we must fight through it with patience. We must take it one day at a time. When the battle chooses us, we will need to learn from it. There must be a lesson in it for us. There must be something life is trying to teach us through the battle. There is no point whining and cursing fate for the hand it has dealt to you. Life happens to everyone; and we all are fighting different battles.

Indeed, some battles choose some of its finest soldiers. This is not a time to lose your head. This is not a time to despair. This is not a time to give in. This is not a time to feel sorry for yourself. We must fight the battle that chooses us. We must be willing to be changed by the battle that chooses us. We must believe that with God, we can win the battle that chooses us.

15 Important Reminders for Your Darkest Moments of Self-Doubt

1. When your marriage, parenting, faith, etc. gets tough, it’s not a sign that you’re doing it wrong. These intimate, intricate aspects of life are toughest when you’re doing them right – when you’re dedicating time, having the tough conversations, and making daily sacrifices.

2. On particularly hard days when you feel that you can’t endure, remind yourself that your track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far.

3. Have a little faith that the universe has a plan for you, and it’s all being revealed in the right time frame. Something you will eventually learn through all your ups and downs is that there are really no wrong decisions in life, just choices that will take your life down different paths. Sometimes you must get hurt in order to grow, or lose in order to gain. Sometimes the lesson you need most can only be learned through a little pain.

4. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

5. Life is not about maintaining the status quo. Life is not about playing it safe every second. Life is not about standing still and wallowing in self-doubt. It’s about connecting with your soul, respecting your integrity, and telling yourself that you’re able. It’s about taking a few steps, regardless of how hard and small they may be, so you can move forward and evolve.

6. You must make a firm decision that you’re going to move forward. It won’t always happen naturally or automatically. Sometimes you will have to rise up and say, “I don’t care how hard this is. I don’t care how disappointed I am. I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”

7. No matter what’s happening, you CAN efficiently fight the battles of today. It’s only when you add the battles of those two relentless eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly complicated. Realize that it’s not the experience of today by itself that devastates you, but the regret and resentment about something that happened yesterday or the fear and dread of what tomorrow might bring. It’s necessary, therefore, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.

8. When you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have time to change the things you can control. And that changes everything.

9. Don’t worry about mistakes and failures, worry about what you’re giving up when you don’t even try.

10. Making mistakes means you’re actually DOING something in the real world and learning from it. Listening or reading is often just listening or reading. It’s not real learning. Real learning comes from making mistakes. And mistakes come from gradual implementation.

11. If you never go after it again, you’ll never have it. If you never ask again, the answer will always be no. If you never step forward again, you’re stuck right where you are.

12. In the space between “I’ll try again” and “I give up” there’s a lifetime. It’s the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it’s the gap between who you are capable of being and who you have become; its the legroom for the fairy tales you’ll tell yourself in the future about what could have been.

13. Everyone has a little talent. What’s rare is the courage to follow it into the dark places where it leads, and beyond.

14. Courage doesn’t always roar; sometimes it’s simply a whisper at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

15. If you’re still sitting there thinking, “Things should be different right now,” take a deep breath. That’s not true and you know it. Because if it were true, things would be different right now. Stay present and focus on what you can create today. And tomorrow will reveal itself exactly as it should, just as yesterday already has.

(MARCANDANGEL).