5 Truths We Tend to Forget in Hard Times

1. Life is short, and nothing is guaranteed.
We know deep down that life is short, and that death will happen to all of us eventually, and yet we are infinitely surprised when it happens to someone we know. It’s like walking up a flight of stairs with a distracted mind, and misjudging the final step. You expected there to be one more stair than there is, and so you find yourself off balance for a moment, before your mind shifts back to the present moment and how the world really is.

LIVE your life TODAY! Don’t ignore death — or the imminent dangers of COVID-19 — but don’t be afraid of life either. Be afraid of a life you never lived because you were too afraid to take positive action today. Death is not the greatest loss in life, neither is illness. The greatest loss is what dies inside you while you’re still alive and well. Even in these difficult times, be bold, be courageous, be a scared to death, and then take the next step anyway. Just change the way you do it.

Invest your heart and soul into whatever you have right in front of you. Bring passion into otherwise ordinary moments. You don’t have to be surrounded by lots of people. You don’t have to be going anyplace new. You can distance yourself from COVID-19, and still passionately engage in each moment.

2. Everything will change again soon.
Embrace change and realize in many ways it’s necessary. It won’t always be obvious at first, but in the end most forms of change are worthwhile because they force us to grow. So keep yourself in check right now.

What you have today may become what you had by tomorrow. You never know. Things change, often spontaneously. People and circumstances come and go. Life doesn’t stop for anybody. It moves rapidly and rushes from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds, and happens like this to people every day. It’s likely happening to someone nearby right now.

Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. A seemingly innocuous decision rattles our whole world like a meteorite striking Earth. Entire lives have been swiveled and flipped upside down, for better or worse, on the strength of an unpredictable event. And these events are always happening — like the COVID-19 epidemic right now.

So just remember, however good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. Accept it. Breathe. Be where you are. You’re where you need to be right now. There’s a time and place for everything, and every hard step is necessary. Just keep doing your best, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life. When it’s meant to be, it will be.

3. Changing your response is what puts you back in control.
Have patience with everything that remains unresolved in your head and heart. And realize that patience is not about waiting, but the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard to stay true to your intuition and values. This is your life, and it is governed by your choices. May your actions speak louder than your words. May your daily choices preach louder than your lips. May your inner sense of satisfaction be your noise in the end.

And if your present life only teaches you one thing, let it be that taking a passionate leap is always worth it. Even if you have no idea where you’re going to land — even when there are so many unknowns — be brave enough to stand up and listen to your heart. Remember that the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything! (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4. Life’s storms can be a great source of strength.
Hard times are like strong storms that blow against you. And it’s not just that these storms hold you back from places you might otherwise go. They also tear away from you all but the essential parts of your ego that cannot be torn, so that afterward you see yourself as you really are, and not merely as you might like to be.

Ultimately, you realize you are here to endure these storms, to sacrifice your time and risk your heart. You are here to be bruised by life. And when it happens that you are hurt, or betrayed, or rejected, let yourself sit quietly with your eyes closed and remember all the good times you had, and all the sweetness you tasted, and everything you learned. Tell yourself how amazing it was to live, and then open your eyes and live some more.

Because to never struggle would be to never grow. You must let go of who you were so you can become who you are. Again, it is within the depths of the strongest and darkest storms that you discover within you an inextinguishable light, and it is this light that illuminates the path forward.

5. You don’t need all the answers right now.
Accept the feeling of not knowing exactly where you are going, and train yourself to love and appreciate this sensation of freedom. Because it is only when you are suspended in the air, with no destination in sight, that you force your wings to open fully so you can fly. And as you soar around you still may not know where you’re traveling to. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is the opening of your wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as your wings are spread, the winds will carry you forward.

Truth be told, some of the greatest outcomes that transpire in your life will be the ones you never even knew you wanted. As long as you keep your mind open to new perspectives and yourself moving forward, there really are no wrong turns in life, only paths you didn’t know you were meant to travel. And you never can be certain what’s around the corner.  It could be everything, or it could be nothing. You keep gliding steadily forward, and then one day you realize you’ve come a long way from where you started.

All details aside, someday all the pieces will come together. Unimaginably good outcomes will likely transpire in your life, even if everything doesn’t turn out exactly the way you had anticipated. And you will look back at the hard times that have passed, smile, and ask yourself.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Surviving Grief

Over the past few days, I have been enmeshed with Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Option B’. Sheryl is the COO of Facebook, and perhaps more famous for another masterpiece she authored ‘Lean In.’ She wrote Option B following the sudden death of her husband, Dave Goldberg when he was just 47 years old. In writing about grief, Sheryl remarks ‘Grief is a whisper in the world and a clamor within. More than sex, more than faith, even more than its usher death, grief is unspoken, publicly ignored except for those moments at the funeral that are over too quickly.’

In this life, I have come to the conclusion that we will all suffer grief. If not today, tomorrow certainly. It is an inevitable outcome. And most times, grief does not change us, it reveals us. We have either lost a loved one, or know somehow who has lost a loved one. One of the clichés you hear from sympathizers in those times are things like ‘I know what you are going through.’ Truth is that, they don’t. You also hear people say ‘This too shall pass.’ Truth is this: It will not pass, and you will never completely heal. They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite. Bishop T.D Jakes once explained that after his mother passed on, one sympathizer told him ‘God will give you double for your trouble’ and then he thought to himself ‘What does that even mean? Will God give me two new mamas? It was a startling consolation.’ In truth, many of those who sympathize with us during times of grief and mourning usually mean no harm, but sometimes, their words might deepen the tears more than it does to ease the heart. A vivid example was one that Sheryl Sandberg shared in her book ‘A woman I met chose to go to work the day after her husband died because she could not bear to be at home. To this day, she still feels the disapproval of colleagues who said to her, "I'd think you'd be too upset to be here today." You would think, but you just don't know.’ We simply shouldn’t tell people how to grief, we shouldn’t tell them how to mourn or how long to grief. We simply never know for we all suffer differently, and we heal differently.

However, whatever your grief is, you must find meaning in it. There must be some purpose to the pain, and even if it doesn’t fully make sense at the time, we must realize that some things will only make sense in hindsight. While I managed my own individual grief, I started to learn that no matter how sad I felt, another break would eventually come. It helped me regain a sense of control. As we grief, we must always hold on to the fond memories, and channel our pain as a reason to go on. One way to deal with grief is to always ask yourself ‘what will the person I grief about want for me at this time?’ Most often than not, the answer is that they want you to find strength, and somehow, trudge on.

Writing about grief, Anne Lamott said: “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 

The Art of Being Grateful on Really Hard Days

If you’re always grateful for the little things, it’s hard to avoid happiness. It’s a lack of gratitude that often keeps us feeling down.

Yes, there are incredibly painful parts of my life, and it’s OK to feel the pain they bring. But it’s also important that I remember the rest of my life too, and to also remember that even the painful experiences make life as intricate and remarkable as it is.

The bottom line is that the art of being grateful on really hard days starts with you. And make no mistake about it: the secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful. Then you do it again and again. If you forget, begin again.

A few minutes per day spent journaling a gratitude list, or just reflecting on what you’re grateful for at the moment, can change your life. Do it every morning or evening, by setting a reminder alarm if you must, and see how it affects you.

Don’t rush through it either—don’t do it carelessly. Really try to feel genuine gratitude in your heart and mind for everything you list. Focus on the little miracles in your life. And appreciate all your progress too. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve grown a lot through the ups and downs. Give yourself credit and gratitude for your resilience, and how far you’ve come.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Always Say Yes!

Last week, I was part of an International Womens’ Day conference in Europe. One of the guest speakers was Kristin Kragseth, the CEO of Var Energi. In a speech that lasted almost 40 minutes, she made a litany of profound, and honestly, didactic points. However, the big takeaway for me was this ‘when someone asks you if you could do a task, or offers you an opportunity, always say yes. You might have constrains and limitations, but first say yes before your buts. When someone believes in you, don’t be the one to put limitations on yourself.’

Those words pierced me so hard, I knew instantly that I was going to make a blog post out of it. Personally, this has been my story for the most part. I have said ‘Yes’ to opportunities I felt ill prepared for at the time. I have said ‘Yes’ to leadership positions I knew next to nothing about at the time I was being offered. But now I look back in hindsight, I can say in all good conscience that those ‘Yes’ have made a huge difference.

The caveat though is that if it is an opportunity you don’t want for personal reasons, or if it is one that makes you compromise on your core values, then it is fine to say ‘No.’ The focus here is when there is a genuine opportunity for growth at work, school, business, church, whatever.

The point is this – before someone offers you an opportunity, they must have seen something in you that convinces them that you are good enough to be given a chance. Certainly, no one is the finished article as at the time of being offered a chance. That feeling of unease and sense of inadequacy is only normal and comes with the terrain. I have always believed that there is hardly any job that is rocket science except maybe rocket science itself. This is to say that we can master almost anything, it just needs time and a bit of sheer application.

Many have passed up fantastic opportunities at different times in life because they thought of themselves as being ‘not good enough’, but to never try is to never fully know. Little wonder Richard Branson once said, ‘If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!’ The trick is to always say yes. Your ‘yes’ can make all the difference.

7 Things You Never Have to Wear Again

1. You never again have to wear the guilt of your past.
Guilt and regret about the past aren’t serving your present. In fact, because of that guilt, you aren’t fully enjoying your current life. Whether it is guilt about letting go of something in your closet that you spent too much on, or guilt about a past relationship or anything in between, you have paid enough. You’ve paid with your money, time, attention and emotion. You can stop paying now. Let go, apologize, forgive and choose to live free of guilt and regret.

2. You never again have to wear your pain.
How many times have you tried to shop away your pain? Retail therapy is an expensive way to relieve the pain of boredom, frustration and heart ache and it only delivers temporary relief. You can’t shop your way out of of pain. I tried and it didn’t work. I did learn though that you can shop yourself into a tremendous amount of debt which leads to more pain, and then more shopping.

Instead of wearing your pain, trade shopping for self care. When you are in pain your heart isn’t saying, “Let’s go shopping.” It’s saying, “Please, take care of me.”

3. You never again have to wear the pressure to prove yourself.
I tried to prove who I was by what I wore and by what I accomplished. The problem was that there was always more to prove and eventually I forgot who I was in the process.

If you have to prove yourself to people you love, that isn’t love. If you struggle to prove yourself at work, maybe you aren’t doing the right work. If you don’t believe me, just stop for a while. Stop pushing and proving and wishing that people would see you the way you think you need to be seen to succeed. Instead, let them see you for you. It’s then that you can finally really be you.

4. You never again have to wear your failures.
Failure gets such a bad rap but it’s nothing more than a stepping stone to success. It’s through the failures that we learn new approaches and ways of doing things. You don’t have to feel sad or bad for failing because if you are failing, that means you are trying. If you must wear your failures, wear them with a smile. You earned them and now you are using them to better your life.

5. You never again have to wear goals you’ve outgrown.
Letting go of goals and dreams can be the most challenging of all. As our lives change, we change, and things that seemed so important years ago may slowly fade away. Instead of beating yourself up for not achieving your old goals, focus on your new dreams and develop goals or bucket lists that reflect who you are right now.

Additionally, make sure your goals are your goals. Are they yours or are they goals that you think other people have for you or expect from you. Let go of any that aren’t yours. The difference you will make in the world when you start chasing YOUR dreams and goals will be extraordinary.

6. You never again have to wear everything you think.
Often, our thoughts can weigh us down but thoughts are just thoughts. Some are true and real and some aren’t. When we cling too tightly to believing everything we think, we distance ourselves from the truth. Questioning the truth of my thoughts has prevented me from over reacting in some situations and helped me let go of other things more easily. Once you realize that all of your thoughts aren’t true, they will be much lighter.

7. You never again have to wear other people’s expectations.
Giving myself permission to let go of my need to meet other people’s expectations or to feel any kind of way based on judgements (good or bad) helps me to trust myself and allows me to love my life regardless of outside feedback. I’m not good or bad or right or wrong because of what anyone else thinks. I can’t control what they think and I’m not going to change myself trying.

When you stop wearing the weight of other people’s expectations and judgements, you’ll be more connected to who you are and to what matters to you. When you let go of what other people think, you’ll gain clarity and freedom to enjoy your life.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Failing Early In Life Is A Good Thing

Failing early in life is a good thing

It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes - Anne Baxter

Life has taught me that failing often very early in life is a great thing. It is these failures that set you up for a winning streak later in life. Thus, making so many mistakes early in life helps to avert a life time of regrets and failings. When you are young, your greatest asset is not your talent, not your ideas, not your experience, but your time. Time grants you the opportunity to take big risks and make big mistakes.

Paul Hudson shared 6 kinds of ‘failures’ that is important to experience early in life. I thought it made for excellent reading and puts paid to the point:

A failed serious relationship

If I had to pick a single moment in my life that had the greatest influence on the person I am today, it was the failure of a relationship. Not only because it was with a woman I loved more than any before, or after, but because I was the one that screwed it up. Relationships fail all the time — most of the time it isn't our fault. You’ll never appreciate a meaningful relationship the way you ought to appreciate it, however, until you manage to mess up a great one. It's easier to brush yourself off and move on with your life when the other person was clearly to blame. When you only have yourself to blame though, you learn lessons that stick with you. And this requires admitting you were the one that screwed things up… but that's a different story.

A failed friendship

It takes time to understand and appreciate the relationships you have with different people in your life. It's not just the romantic ones that teach you important life lessons, but also the relationships you have with your friends. Just like there are toxic romantic relationships, there are also toxic friendships. Once you experience a falling-out with a friend, you understand yourself a little bit better and the life you hope to lead. It's most often the company we keep that determines the life we live.

A failed career choice

I've never met or heard of a single individual who figured it out the first time. If you're going to find your passion in life, you're going to have to spend a whole lot of time figuring out all the things that aren't a right fit. If you're still holding down the first job you’ve ever had, there's roughly a 99 percent chance you're not doing what you ought to be doing. Maybe you're that one-in-a-million statistic who got lucky, but most people need to go through some trial and error. It's usually less about figuring out what you'd like to do and more about what the world has to offer and what you can add to it.

A failed “healthy” bank account

If you've never been broke in your life, you’ll never understand the importance of money. It just isn't possible. Sure, you can understand it conceptually, but you’ll never know how it feels to figure out how to score a free meal. Being broke at one point of your life or another — hopefully sooner than later not only gives you an appreciation for money, it gives you an appreciation for how little you need to get by. Most people are wasteful. They overindulge and live their lives inefficiently. Even worse, such individuals never have an appreciation for the simple things in life. They're always trying to throw money at happiness, but never manage to figure out you can’t buy happiness.

A failed attempt at greatness

Regardless of your definition of greatness, unless you fail at achieving it repeatedly, you'll never appreciate your accomplishments. If you don't have to struggle to win, to succeed, to be great, then can you even call it greatness? It's the struggle and all it takes to overcome the seeming impossibilities that we find awe-inspiring. If it comes easy, it isn't worth praise. Keep in mind the difference between failing to be great and failing to even attempt being great. You learn a lot from trying your very best and realizing your very best isn't good enough — yet. You learn absolutely nothing, however, from never giving yourself a chance to fail. Not until it's too late.

A failed understanding of what's to come

The reason human beings landed on the top of the food chain is primarily due to our ability to predict the future with accuracy. We understand the relationship between cause and effect better than any other species, and it’s made all the difference. It takes time to develop this skill. We observe and learn the moment we’re born (technically, shortly after) until the moment we die (technically until we believe there’s little new to see in our vicinities). We often forget how important it is to observe and calculate. Most people rely on superstitions and hope, which is amusing, as we were much better observers during our toddler years than we are as adults. Those of us who understand there’s always something new to observe, always something new to contemplate and calculate, are the ones who usually get furthest in life. The more complex the scenario, the more difficult it is to calculate the outcome. In all honesty, we can only predict the possibility of an event occurring.

The reality is that with age comes restrictions, and even though you have become wiser at a particular age, you might lack the bones to either go again or try new things. For instance, if you sudden discover the right career path for you at age 59 (60 is the official retirement age in Nigeria) after 30 years on a particular kind of job, it might be too little too late to turn the corner. Though you can still have a better last phase of life, but no you can’t have a tale of a fulfilling career anymore. The luxury of time is simply no longer available to you.

To succeed in life, you first must fail. This is not a scientific law. It’s the philosophy of the Silicon Valley, the best place in the world for technological ideas to take off. “Fail early, fail fast, fail often” is the mantra of techy entrepreneurs.

(Culled from my book - The Path Less Travelled' https://www.amazon.com/Path-Less-Travelled-Reflections-Learning/dp/1540663507)

7 Hard Things You Should Do for Yourself When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

1. Be where you are.
Sadly, only a tiny percentage of the people in this world will actually experience their lives today. So many of us will be stuck on another day, another time and place that troubled us and caused us to spiritually stumble, and thus we will miss out on life as we’re living it. Realize this. Do not allow your spirit to be softened or your happiness to be limited by a time and place you cannot get back to, or a day that does not yet exist.

Remember, no matter what, you can always fight the battles of just today. It’s only when you add the infinite battles of yesterday and tomorrow that life gets overly complicated.

Truth be told, before you know it you’ll be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?” So take time right now to figure yourself out. Take time to realize what you want and need in this moment. Take time to love, to laugh, to cry, to learn, to work, and to move your present self forward.

2. Look deep within.
Remember that there is a place within you that you can go to at any moment. It is calm and full of love. Forget about the noise of the world is reciting to you. Look within. Go there when you are sad. Go there when you are fearful or angry or troubled. Go there when you are alone in your car in hectic traffic, or when you are surrounded by people who intimidate you. And don’t forget to go there when you are happy too.

Remind yourself that you are not your body. You are not your past or future. You are not what others expect of you. The essence of your being is love and it is within you right now. Your spirit is simply waiting for you to remember this.

So, go to that quiet place in the center of you. Let the deep love and serenity swallow you whole. Everything is always okay, even when it’s not. Let go of the mind’s need to remind you of everything outside that weighs you down. You are none of that. You are at peace in this moment. Breathe.

3. Talk it out.
Ever feel totally out of your element? Like you’re due to be discovered for the “fraud” that you are? This is what psychologists call the “impostor syndrome” — where you constantly feel like everyone around you has their act together, but you don’t. And the more others recognize your achievements, the more you feel like a fake. Because as you enhance your knowledge — as you expand the scope of what you know — you’ll inevitably be exposed to more and more of what you don’t know, and thus you may begin to subconsciously discredit what you do know. It’s a bizarre cycle.

Again, “Impostorism” is, for many of us, a natural symptom of gaining expertise. Move up the ranks in life, and you’ll inevitably encounter more talented people to compare yourself negatively against. The cycle never stops, and we all get caught up in it in some way.

The solution is to talk it out with a trusted friend, partner, or coach. Talk about your insecurities more, and let them do the same. Admittedly, it’s a hard conversation to initiate, so in the mean time just remember that everyone feels like an impostor sometimes — it’s not just you.

4. Relax the tension.
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold and we fight to let go. But we must eventually let GO. There’s no point in stressing over what you can’t change. Stop over-thinking it. Let it be, and allow yourself to grow from the experience.

Perhaps you’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at work, overwhelmed by all your obligations, or just upset by some aspect of your life. And your tight mental grasp of the circumstance creates a tension in your body and unhappiness in your mind. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to our course students who are struggling to relieve themselves of their stress and tension:

Locate the tension in your body right now.
Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed. Face the day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and grasping to one of peace and freedom.

5. Give yourself credit.
Your inner light is seen. Your heart is heard. Your spirit is treasured by more people than you imagine. If you knew how many others have been touched in profound ways by you, you would be astounded. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be speechless. You are far more brilliant than you think you are.

Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything that you are. Behind you is infinite power, before you is endless possibility, around you is boundless opportunity.

Give yourself credit, for all of it…

You’ve lived
You’ve learned
You’ve come a long way
You’ve survived all your bad days
You’re still growing

6. Give things space.
“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” That’s a quote Angel and I heard at a meditation retreat recently in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your attitude about the things you can’t change or don’t need to change.

I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something, you’re loosening up, giving it more space, a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And yet your needs will be met too — you will have more space to be at peace with the way the animals are.

This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter  — the things you actually can control — like your self-care, and your attitude about everything.

7. Change your response.
What can we do when someone close to us is being annoying, irritating, rude or just generally difficult? What can we do when their negativity brings us down?

Well, assuming we’re not in any sort of real danger and we don’t need to physically protect ourselves, the best choice is often a simple mindset shift. Rather than trying to change the other person, we change our response to them.

I know that suggestion can be frustrating for some people. Why should we have to make a change when it’s the other person who’s misbehaving?

The key, though, is to understand that with a few simple mindset shifts you can find a lot more peace around just about anyone. But if you try to shift the behavior of others, you’re only going to drive yourself crazy.

(MARCANDANGEL).