Letter from the Nigerian Politician to all Nigerians

Fellow Nigerians,

I hope this letter meets you well. Don’t ask me what well means though; because you lot have a way of always having problems.

Anyway, it’s been almost four years since I got in touch with you. I suppose you will be wondering why I have not stayed in touch with you for a while now since you voted me into office (And I say ‘voted’ with reservations). The thing is I have been too busy. Too busy siphoning public funds for life after office. You will agree with me that it can be very tough for us politicians after office. So, it is only sensible that I stuck up enough for the uncertain days after my tenure is over.

Fellow Nigerians, as you are well aware of by now, your constitution does not allow for more than two terms in office, so that means I have to bow out in 2015 (If only those dumbasses have allowed the third term agenda to be realized). Anyway, as a great leader I am, I have re-strategized to ensure I don’t lose out entirely. Very soon, I will be letting you know my next political move. What will I expect from you then? Just break your heads to ensure I get what I want. That is political loyalty, and that is the reward I ask from you for eight sterling years of good governance and democratic excellence.

For the main time, what do I ask? All I want from you is to support my anointed successor. He is the one to lead us to the Promised Land and perhaps even take us to Eldorado. Support him with all that you have. Fight, and if it comes to that, kill! That’s my charge to you. Even if you die for this cause, your name will remain etched upon the sands of time. You will forever be remembered for such a priceless loyalty to a just cause. I am sure that even my unborn grandkids when they read of your heroics while studying in Harvard or Stanford, they will be so proud of you. By the way, word has reached me that INEC said you should register and get your voters card, please get it o, even though we know those things won’t matter eventually. Just get it, let it be like we are committed to a free and fair election.

Again, let me ask that you continue to turn out in your numbers in all our political rallies. We spend a lot to organize those rallies, and I believe you have been getting the ‘little appreciation’ we have been showing you for turning up. Remember, you are our rented crowd, and we have to continue to show the world that we are on top. And trust me; many of them will fall for it.

As a way of reaffirming my commitment and that of my party to you, I promise you plenty in reward for your votes and support. I hear that a political party (Or was it mine?) offered some of you small bags of rice at an election recently. In truth, I was really ashamed that you accepted such a petty offer. How could you have sold your conscience that cheaply? Well, I will more than better that effort. I have made arrangement already for an international food dealer to supply you bags of rice in their litanies. Trust me, I will feed you. In addition, I have concluded plans for you to be provided with enough salt. Afterall, you won’t eat boiled rice like that na. So, trust me, the package we have for you is mega.

Finally, thank you for your mandate in this past eight years (Though I am not sure why I should be thanking you, as I am unsure if it was your mandate that really gave me power). All the same, thank you. For all of you who carried guns, stole ballot boxes, wreaked havoc for my two terms in office, I salute you for your uncommon courage. And I ask you to show the same gusto and unrelenting sagacity to see that my anointed successor wins the next election. Whatever it will take, please do.

You will hear from us more frequently these days till we get the issue of 2015 elections out of the way. After then, will I let you have some peace till 2019.

Thank you once again, and talk to you again very soon. I have to take a break now to attend to my busy schedule of saving for the rainy days.

With love,
Your great leader!