5 Hard Things You Need to Start Doing for Yourself on Hard Days

1. You need to start shifting your focus.

“I’m exhausted and so very tired of all the anxiety, negativity and stress. Too often my mind is consumed with draining thoughts, and every muscle in my body seems tense. It hurts. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel like I live in a whirlwind of constant pressure and exhaustion. I don’t want to just ‘get by’ day to day…”

You may not be responsible for everything that happened to you in the past, or everything that’s happening to you right now, but you need to be responsible for undoing the thinking patterns these circumstances create. It’s about thinking better so you can ultimately live better.

The key is to understand that no matter what happens, you can choose your response, which dictates pretty much everything that happens next. Truly, the greatest weapon you have against anxiety, negativity and stress is your ability to choose one present thought over another—to train your mind to make the best of what you’ve got in front of you, even when it’s far less than you expected. Yes, you can change the way you think! And once you do, you can master a new way to be.

2. You need to start questioning the stories you’re telling yourself.

In a very real way, the stories we tell ourselves change what we see in life. When we enter an experience with a story about how life is, that tends to be what we see, even when there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary.

Something similar happens through our wide-ranging, different past experiences. Some of us have been deeply heartbroken. Some of us have lost our parents, siblings or children to accidents and illnesses. Some of us have dealt with infidelity. Some of us have been fired from jobs we relied on. Some of us have been discriminated against because of our gender or race. And, when we enter a new experience that arouses prominent memories of our own painful story from the past, it shifts our perspective in the present—it narrows it.

When a negative past experience narrows our present perspective, it’s mostly just a defense mechanism. Every day of our lives we are presented with some level of uncertainty, and our innate human defense mechanisms don’t like this one bit. So our minds try to compensate by filling in the gaps of information by clinging to the stories we already feel comfortable with. We end up subconsciously trying to make better sense of everything in the present by using old stories and past experiences as filler. And while this approach works sometimes, other times our old stories and past experiences are completely irrelevant to the present moment, so they end up hurting us and those we love far more than they help.

Thus, my challenge for you today is this:

Whenever you feel tension and drama building up inside you, ask yourself…

What is the story I’m telling myself right now?
Can I be absolutely certain this story is accurate?
How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
What else would I see and experience if I removed the story from my mind?
Do your best to consciously detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself. Go deeper into reality. Don’t just look at the surface. Investigate. Observe without presupposing. Again, it’s about thinking better right now so you can ultimately live better right now.

3. You need to start watching your (very human) tendency to fabricate negative meanings and conclusions.

Replacing your negativity with positivity isn’t about turning off all your negative thoughts and stories; that’s nearly impossible because negative thinking typically arises spontaneously and uncontrollably. It’s also not about turning your false negative thoughts and stories into false positive ones. The goal is to reframe your negative thoughts and stories effectively, so they are based entirely in reality, detached from needless drama, and focused on the next positive step forward that can be taken in the present moment.

One smart place to start is evaluating and eliminating the negative meanings you assign to situations that don’t meet your expectations. For example…

“He was late, so he must not care about me.” – Or, perhaps he just got caught in traffic.
“If I can’t do this correctly, then I must not be smart enough.” – Or, perhaps you just need a little more practice, just like the rest of us.
“I haven’t heard back from the doctor, so the test results must be bad.” – Or, perhaps the lab is just really busy and your results aren’t available yet.

Fabricating negative meanings and conclusions like these, based on your own stubborn expectations, is a great way to keep your mind stuck in the gutter. This isn’t to say that you should never expect anything at all from yourself and others (diligence, honesty, ambition, etc.), but rather that the thought patterns governing your expectations should not automatically steer you toward unreasonable negativity. Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing life’s positive and neutral outcomes, even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out everything except the data that confirms the negative biases we have. So, do your best to catch yourself today.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life right now is an important step towards living a happier life.

4. You need to start letting go of what can’t be changed.

One of the most important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage and determination to let go of what can’t be changed. Because, when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself… to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

Of course, when hard times hit there’s a default human tendency to hold on—to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. This doesn’t happen as often when things are going well. A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go. But when we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy. Know this! If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your present and future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.

But be sure, this is more than simply accepting that life will improve as time passes. Yes, “time heals wounds,” but yours is not a passive role in the process of healing and moving past pain. The question is: where are your present steps taking you?

It doesn’t matter what’s been done; what truly matters is what YOU DO from here.

Realize that most people make themselves miserable simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Don’t be one of them! Let go of your fantasies. This letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself, in this moment.

5. You need to start being consistent with the right daily rituals.

Far too often we think that inner strength is all about how we respond to extremely hard circumstances. How did she perform on stage during that nationally televised event? Did he bounce back from that heart-wrenching divorce? Can she keep her life together even after suffering from a major, debilitating bodily injury?

There’s no doubt that extremely hard circumstances test our bravery, determination and inner strength, but what about common, daily circumstances? Just like every muscle in the body, the mind needs to be exercised to gain strength. It needs to be worked consistently to grow and develop over time. If you haven’t pushed yourself in hundreds of little ways over time, of course you’ll crumble on that one day that things get really challenging. But it doesn’t have to be that way…

Choose to go to the gym when it would be easier to sleep in. Choose to do the tenth rep when it would be easier to quit at nine. Choose to create something special when it would be easier to consume something mediocre. Choose to raise your hand and ask that extra question when it would be easier to stay silent. Prove to yourself, in dozens of little ways, that you have the guts to get in the ring and wrestle with life on a daily basis.

Inner strength is built through lots of small, daily victories. It’s the individual choices we make day-to-day that build our “inner strength muscles.” We all want this kind of strength, but we can’t simply think our way to it. If you want it, you have to do something about it ritualistically. It’s your positive daily rituals that prove your mental fortitude and move you in the direction of your dreams over the long-term.

The bottom line is that when things get difficult for most people, they find something more comfortable to do. When things get difficult for mentally and emotionally strong people, they find a way to stay on track with their positive daily rituals.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Who is Paddling Your Canoe?

We are in an age where the pressure to be something and 'keep up with the Jones' is alarming. Everyday, we get subtle pressures the moment we open our social media accounts or speak to that friend on the 'goings-on' in his life. Unconsciously, our life choices are impacted by what society and friends call important or pronounce as success. Individual's dress patterns, hair styles, choices, relationships and habits are increasingly being reinforced by what society call trendy and acceptable. Only few step back and ask themselves the question: 'What will it mean for me to have succeeded?'

More than ever before, we are losing our authenticity and more pathetically, following paths in life out of sheer pressure. A recent study in the United States showed that one of the core reasons for the spike in gun violence in America today, has to do with mental health issues by young people who have come to a point of depression because they felt they couldn't live up to the demands of society. These demands range from having a particular kind of girlfriend to attaining some sorts of notoriety early in life. Their world as they know it has set the success bar and there is a scramble to either reach it or take out their frustrations on others.

My favourite University lecturer upon meeting us as freshmen in his class for the first time said 'Whatever you want to attain in this school, good or bad, just know that someone at some point had once attained it. So live your life and make the most of your stay.' It was one of the most profound words I will ever hear throughout my University days.

At a time when the glitz and glamour of social media have literally taken over mainstream realities and overtaken conventional ideas, it is important to ensure that you don't fall for the madness. It is salient that you consciously ask yourself the question 'Who is paddling my canoe?' Be careful that the source of your unhappiness and sadness is not because you haven't attained the lifestyle you see on your social media timelines. More importantly, be mindful that you are not living a lie because you want to be admitted to the clique. You can't base your life choices on trends and perceptions. You can't afford to allow the pressure in today's world make you feel small and unfulfilled.

The thing with societal pressure is that you can't win. Society will always change the goal post. It is too short a life to be lived on someone else's terms. Live your life on your own terms. Put in the graft and hardwork required. Remember, there are times you have to use staircase when the elevator is broken. Be patient with your self and realize that you can't circumvent process and growth. Pace your self and understand that you can't be disingenious in this race of life. Don't live for the 'gram.' Many of what we see on social media is superficial and a mere smokescreen. Take it one day at a time and most importantly, paddle your own bloody canoe!

5 Ways to Quiet the Negative Voices in Your Head

1. Watch your tendency to over-generalize the negative (and minimize the positive).

Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”

For example, if someone rejects you or turns you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time and place by telling yourself, “I’m just not good at relationships; they never work out for me, ever”? If you fail an exam do you say to yourself, “Well, I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study more next time”? Or do you over-generalize it by telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?

Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes, even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the negative biases we have. So, do your very best to catch yourself today.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a happier life.

2. Start focusing on the grey area between life’s extremes.

Life simply isn’t black or white—100% of this or 100% of that—all or nothing. Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to misery, because it basically views any situation that’s less than perfect as being extremely bad. For example:

Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute back home from the office, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined the night!”
Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me.”
Since 99.9% of all situations in life are less than perfect, “all or nothing” thinking tends to make us focus on the negatives—the drama, the failures, and the worst-case scenarios. Sure, catastrophes occur on occasion, but contrary to what you may see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and total devastation.

3. Stop looking for negative signs from others.

Our negativity leads us to quickly jump to negative conclusions about the unknown, which can be especially harmful in our relationships. We are provoked to interpret something another person does as being negative, even when we have been given absolutely no indication of what the other person is thinking. For instance, “He hasn’t called, so he must not want to talk to me,” or, “She only said that to be nice, but she doesn’t really mean it.” When we jump to conclusions like this, we only cause ourselves and others unnecessary pain, stress and frustration.

So, if someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has a concealed, negative connotation. Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign.

On the flip-side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story helps the mind overcome it’s negative thinking tendencies. When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones. In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why he hasn’t called yet, but maybe… he’s actually extremely busy at work today.”

4. Identify the underlying triggers to your negative thinking.

To change your thinking, it helps to have a crystal-clear understanding of what you’re thinking in the first place. When a troubling (negative) thought arises in your mind, instead of ignoring it, pay closer attention and then record it. For example, if you’re sitting at your desk and you catch yourself ruminating about something negative, pause and write it down immediately. Get that raw thought out of your head and down on paper—just a short sentence or two that honestly depicts the specific thought that’s presently troubling you:

“I’m not good enough for the job I’m applying for because I don’t have enough experience.”

Then, identify what triggered the thought. Again, be brief and specific:

“I’m new to the industry, and therefore I’m feeling out of my comfort zone.”

At the very least, this process of evaluating your negative thoughts and their underlying triggers helps bring a healthy, objective awareness to the sources of your negativity or anxiety, which ultimately allows you to shift your mindset and take the next positive step forward.

5. Change your mantra.

All journeys of positive change begin with a goal and the determination needed to achieve it. However, what do you think happens when you are too determined, or too obsessed, with a goal? You begin to nurture another belief: who you are right now is not good enough.

So, the bottom line is this: you have to accept yourself as you are, and then commit to personal growth. If you think you are absolutely “perfect” already, you will not make any positive efforts to grow. But, constantly criticizing yourself is just as counterproductive as doing nothing, because you will never be able to build new positive changes into your life when you’re obsessively focused on your flaws.

The key is to remind yourself that you already are good enough; you just need more practice. Change your mantra from, “I have to be better,” to, “I will do my absolute best today.” The second mantra is far more effective, because it actually prompts you to take positive action at any given moment while simultaneously accepting the reality that every effort may not be perfect.

Being able to distinguish between healthy striving and self-abuse on your journey is another critically important step towards living a happier and more successful life.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Nigeria and The Urgency of Now

Credit to Pastor Poju Oyemade. The Platform, an annual conference centered around conversations and thoughts on forging ahead the Nigerian project has reached its eleventh year. In a nation where many things that take flight do not see its second year anniversary, the consistency is worth commending. The May 1st edition was themed 'Get Involved.' The crux of the discourse was for majority of Nigerians to snap out of their apathy and be a player in the Nigerian project. The array of speakers all made the point in succinct and vivid manner.

It is almost cliché but it remains true that a good number of Nigerians do not care beyond social media vitriolic. Some Nigerians have gained minor stardom and some sort of notoriety from being internet warlords and keypad mongers. While ‘the conversation’ is sacrosanct in our strive for a better nation, it is foolhardy to expect that it should end there; and that that alone is enough to alter our collective inimical plight. The reality is that the evidence of true interest in nation building is in the corresponding actions that accompanies the Twitter and Facebook diatribes. There are actions that suggest to all and sundry that we are truly desirous of a change beyond being loud or reticent. The little actions such as registering with a political party, taking out time to know who your local government chairman is, petitioning your representative at both the state and national level, vying for political offices are some of the true test of being involved. In politics, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

In many ways, the joke is on all of us. Part of the reason why the Nigerian political elite conducts itself with such petulance and nonchalance is that they know something that cannot be disputed. They are safe in the thought that there is no bite to our national bark, and that we slide on too quickly to other ventures. It is true that Nigerians find the sunny side of things in almost every debacle facing us as a nation but the down side is that at times, we stretch humor too far at the detriment of confronting the real issues. The history of change all around the world are tales of various people who were angry enough to get vitally involved and deliver the change they crave. Our collective anger is so short lived that the president and his handlers were so sure that the fallout from President Buhari’s rhetoric insinuation in London that Nigerian youths were lazy, was never going to survive the Big Brother Naija grand finale weekend. In this part of the world, our apathy is ridiculous. We are barely bothered beyond lip service. While many people are dissatisfied with the state of affairs, few are concerned enough to get involved. And for the few that get Involved, we often make a mockery of them, question their intentions, lampoon their ambitions, and dismiss their dreams. At times, we frustrate those who truly want to do something.

More than ever before, there is the urgency of now for all to get involved, and take on vital roles away from the keypads, blogs and newspaper back pages. The stark truth is that nothing will change if all we do is talk and forge public opinions. We all know what our problems are; the big question is: Are you ready to do something about it?