Failing Early In Life Is A Good Thing

Failing early in life is a good thing

It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes - Anne Baxter

Life has taught me that failing often very early in life is a great thing. It is these failures that set you up for a winning streak later in life. Thus, making so many mistakes early in life helps to avert a life time of regrets and failings. When you are young, your greatest asset is not your talent, not your ideas, not your experience, but your time. Time grants you the opportunity to take big risks and make big mistakes.

Paul Hudson shared 6 kinds of ‘failures’ that is important to experience early in life. I thought it made for excellent reading and puts paid to the point:

A failed serious relationship

If I had to pick a single moment in my life that had the greatest influence on the person I am today, it was the failure of a relationship. Not only because it was with a woman I loved more than any before, or after, but because I was the one that screwed it up. Relationships fail all the time — most of the time it isn't our fault. You’ll never appreciate a meaningful relationship the way you ought to appreciate it, however, until you manage to mess up a great one. It's easier to brush yourself off and move on with your life when the other person was clearly to blame. When you only have yourself to blame though, you learn lessons that stick with you. And this requires admitting you were the one that screwed things up… but that's a different story.

A failed friendship

It takes time to understand and appreciate the relationships you have with different people in your life. It's not just the romantic ones that teach you important life lessons, but also the relationships you have with your friends. Just like there are toxic romantic relationships, there are also toxic friendships. Once you experience a falling-out with a friend, you understand yourself a little bit better and the life you hope to lead. It's most often the company we keep that determines the life we live.

A failed career choice

I've never met or heard of a single individual who figured it out the first time. If you're going to find your passion in life, you're going to have to spend a whole lot of time figuring out all the things that aren't a right fit. If you're still holding down the first job you’ve ever had, there's roughly a 99 percent chance you're not doing what you ought to be doing. Maybe you're that one-in-a-million statistic who got lucky, but most people need to go through some trial and error. It's usually less about figuring out what you'd like to do and more about what the world has to offer and what you can add to it.

A failed “healthy” bank account

If you've never been broke in your life, you’ll never understand the importance of money. It just isn't possible. Sure, you can understand it conceptually, but you’ll never know how it feels to figure out how to score a free meal. Being broke at one point of your life or another — hopefully sooner than later not only gives you an appreciation for money, it gives you an appreciation for how little you need to get by. Most people are wasteful. They overindulge and live their lives inefficiently. Even worse, such individuals never have an appreciation for the simple things in life. They're always trying to throw money at happiness, but never manage to figure out you can’t buy happiness.

A failed attempt at greatness

Regardless of your definition of greatness, unless you fail at achieving it repeatedly, you'll never appreciate your accomplishments. If you don't have to struggle to win, to succeed, to be great, then can you even call it greatness? It's the struggle and all it takes to overcome the seeming impossibilities that we find awe-inspiring. If it comes easy, it isn't worth praise. Keep in mind the difference between failing to be great and failing to even attempt being great. You learn a lot from trying your very best and realizing your very best isn't good enough — yet. You learn absolutely nothing, however, from never giving yourself a chance to fail. Not until it's too late.

A failed understanding of what's to come

The reason human beings landed on the top of the food chain is primarily due to our ability to predict the future with accuracy. We understand the relationship between cause and effect better than any other species, and it’s made all the difference. It takes time to develop this skill. We observe and learn the moment we’re born (technically, shortly after) until the moment we die (technically until we believe there’s little new to see in our vicinities). We often forget how important it is to observe and calculate. Most people rely on superstitions and hope, which is amusing, as we were much better observers during our toddler years than we are as adults. Those of us who understand there’s always something new to observe, always something new to contemplate and calculate, are the ones who usually get furthest in life. The more complex the scenario, the more difficult it is to calculate the outcome. In all honesty, we can only predict the possibility of an event occurring.

The reality is that with age comes restrictions, and even though you have become wiser at a particular age, you might lack the bones to either go again or try new things. For instance, if you sudden discover the right career path for you at age 59 (60 is the official retirement age in Nigeria) after 30 years on a particular kind of job, it might be too little too late to turn the corner. Though you can still have a better last phase of life, but no you can’t have a tale of a fulfilling career anymore. The luxury of time is simply no longer available to you.

To succeed in life, you first must fail. This is not a scientific law. It’s the philosophy of the Silicon Valley, the best place in the world for technological ideas to take off. “Fail early, fail fast, fail often” is the mantra of techy entrepreneurs.

(Culled from my book - The Path Less Travelled' https://www.amazon.com/Path-Less-Travelled-Reflections-Learning/dp/1540663507)

7 Hard Things You Should Do for Yourself When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

1. Be where you are.
Sadly, only a tiny percentage of the people in this world will actually experience their lives today. So many of us will be stuck on another day, another time and place that troubled us and caused us to spiritually stumble, and thus we will miss out on life as we’re living it. Realize this. Do not allow your spirit to be softened or your happiness to be limited by a time and place you cannot get back to, or a day that does not yet exist.

Remember, no matter what, you can always fight the battles of just today. It’s only when you add the infinite battles of yesterday and tomorrow that life gets overly complicated.

Truth be told, before you know it you’ll be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?” So take time right now to figure yourself out. Take time to realize what you want and need in this moment. Take time to love, to laugh, to cry, to learn, to work, and to move your present self forward.

2. Look deep within.
Remember that there is a place within you that you can go to at any moment. It is calm and full of love. Forget about the noise of the world is reciting to you. Look within. Go there when you are sad. Go there when you are fearful or angry or troubled. Go there when you are alone in your car in hectic traffic, or when you are surrounded by people who intimidate you. And don’t forget to go there when you are happy too.

Remind yourself that you are not your body. You are not your past or future. You are not what others expect of you. The essence of your being is love and it is within you right now. Your spirit is simply waiting for you to remember this.

So, go to that quiet place in the center of you. Let the deep love and serenity swallow you whole. Everything is always okay, even when it’s not. Let go of the mind’s need to remind you of everything outside that weighs you down. You are none of that. You are at peace in this moment. Breathe.

3. Talk it out.
Ever feel totally out of your element? Like you’re due to be discovered for the “fraud” that you are? This is what psychologists call the “impostor syndrome” — where you constantly feel like everyone around you has their act together, but you don’t. And the more others recognize your achievements, the more you feel like a fake. Because as you enhance your knowledge — as you expand the scope of what you know — you’ll inevitably be exposed to more and more of what you don’t know, and thus you may begin to subconsciously discredit what you do know. It’s a bizarre cycle.

Again, “Impostorism” is, for many of us, a natural symptom of gaining expertise. Move up the ranks in life, and you’ll inevitably encounter more talented people to compare yourself negatively against. The cycle never stops, and we all get caught up in it in some way.

The solution is to talk it out with a trusted friend, partner, or coach. Talk about your insecurities more, and let them do the same. Admittedly, it’s a hard conversation to initiate, so in the mean time just remember that everyone feels like an impostor sometimes — it’s not just you.

4. Relax the tension.
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold and we fight to let go. But we must eventually let GO. There’s no point in stressing over what you can’t change. Stop over-thinking it. Let it be, and allow yourself to grow from the experience.

Perhaps you’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at work, overwhelmed by all your obligations, or just upset by some aspect of your life. And your tight mental grasp of the circumstance creates a tension in your body and unhappiness in your mind. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to our course students who are struggling to relieve themselves of their stress and tension:

Locate the tension in your body right now.
Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed. Face the day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and grasping to one of peace and freedom.

5. Give yourself credit.
Your inner light is seen. Your heart is heard. Your spirit is treasured by more people than you imagine. If you knew how many others have been touched in profound ways by you, you would be astounded. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be speechless. You are far more brilliant than you think you are.

Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything that you are. Behind you is infinite power, before you is endless possibility, around you is boundless opportunity.

Give yourself credit, for all of it…

You’ve lived
You’ve learned
You’ve come a long way
You’ve survived all your bad days
You’re still growing

6. Give things space.
“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” That’s a quote Angel and I heard at a meditation retreat recently in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your attitude about the things you can’t change or don’t need to change.

I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something, you’re loosening up, giving it more space, a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And yet your needs will be met too — you will have more space to be at peace with the way the animals are.

This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter  — the things you actually can control — like your self-care, and your attitude about everything.

7. Change your response.
What can we do when someone close to us is being annoying, irritating, rude or just generally difficult? What can we do when their negativity brings us down?

Well, assuming we’re not in any sort of real danger and we don’t need to physically protect ourselves, the best choice is often a simple mindset shift. Rather than trying to change the other person, we change our response to them.

I know that suggestion can be frustrating for some people. Why should we have to make a change when it’s the other person who’s misbehaving?

The key, though, is to understand that with a few simple mindset shifts you can find a lot more peace around just about anyone. But if you try to shift the behavior of others, you’re only going to drive yourself crazy.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Finding Happiness

As we grow older in life, it is less about activities and more about those things that helps us connect to our core, that give us a spring in our steps and that ultimately adds meaning to our existence.

Yesterday, I met a Polish guy in a local restaurant in Stavager, who told me that he had a failed encounter with suicide just the night before. But for his sister who barged into his room at the wee hours of the morning, he would have had an encounter with a substance; the kind that takes you away from this realm. His burden? He has been unhappy for far too long, and this sadness have snowballed into being suicidal. We must have spent about 90 minutes in a conversation, and while I do not pride myself as some sorts of therapist with a curative wand, I lent 'unstraying' ears to him all through and that have partly forced me to write this afterwards. Ultimately, this guy in his early 30s considered himself an anathema of some sorts. He decried on how he wakes up most days tired, crestfallen, beaten and sad. His story was a rude reminder of many I have heard on the streets of Lagos and Portharcourt. Young men and women who continuously live behind a mask, until the glue wears off and can't stay anymore. I might be wrong, but my conclusion is that happiness is not one of those things you go seeking for, because nothing will ever be enough.

It almost borders on beating the point now, but it is worth re-emphasizing that you are responsible for your happiness, and the more you seek this externally, the more elusive it becomes. Things, events, people and circumstances can give us joy, but it is almost certainly fleeting. To find happiness, you must look within, you must create your own happiness and you must cut off people and things that pour sadness on you. When it comes to your happiness, you must be selfish. It is ok to unfollow people in real life. In same vein, you must conjure the strength to curtail habits that takes the gleam out of your face. They say bad habits are spiraling slides that drag you round and round down the narrowing end of a cone that eventually ends up in a dark, tight, confining spot. I know it is not easy, but you have to find a way.

Everyday, we must make choices that gives meaning to our lives. We must be deliberate about shutting out the noises from the busy streets of social media and from the confines of friends and family. These noises can disguise as jokes, advice, insinuations or warnings but they all constitute pressure for many, while for some it leaves them worthless. Take advice but always put your filter on. There are too many life experts in the world today, never mind that most of them have been unable to get their own lives together. Be deliberate about distancing yourself from those things and people that hamper your happiness. Do it for yourself. Do it for this one precious life you have. Recently, I have had to advice a friend to quit her job without the immediate certainty of another. I am not one to give such profound admonition as I generally consider myself to be too circumspect in such matters. However, in the case in question, this lady was no longer living. And to continue in a job that causes her that much pain meant that it was only a matter before something more costly would have given.

They say if you live very long enough you will discover that you truly don't need as much friends as you think you do to have a smashing life. Add to the fact that many of what many people call friends today are barely worthy of the name. Yet, some people somehow hinge their happiness on the opinions of these people.

Ultimately, and I know this will irk some but I write from my own experience. The only one in whom you can find true happiness, is God. To forge a relationship with him and nurture that relationship is where you will find peace. He will teach you priorities, he will show you what is important always and he will counsel you to never sweat the small stuff. This is not a role any human can adequately play in your life. In the final analysis, never forget that your happiness is your responsibility! Don't delegate it.

10 Little Habits that Wreck Thousands of Lives One Day at a Time

1. Change nothing and expect different results.

There’s a saying that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Take this to heart. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Period.

Oftentimes the only difference between a successful person and a person who makes little progress is not one’s superior abilities, but the courage that one has to bet on one’s ideas, to take calculated risks, and to take steady steps forward. In other words, some people sit and wait for the magic beans to arrive while the rest of us just get up and get to work.

2. Keep waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time.

Remind yourself of how often we waste our time waiting for the ideal path to appear. Then remind yourself of how often it never appears. Seriously, we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting.

So think of today as the beginning—the conception of a new life. The next nine months are all yours. You can do with them as you please. Make them count. Because a new person is born in nine months. The only question is: Who do you want that person to be? Now is the right time to decide. And no, you shouldn’t feel more confident before you take the next step. Taking the next step is what builds your confidence and fuels your inner and outer growth.

3. Expect good things to come easy.

A goal is a point of achievement that requires effort and sacrifice. There are no esteemed ventures worth participating in that don’t require some level of effort and sacrifice. Trust me, decades from now when you’re resting on your deathbed, you will not remember the days that were easy, you will cherish the moments when you rose above your difficulties and conquered challenges of magnitude. You will dream of the strength you found within yourself that allowed you to achieve what once seemed impossible.

So don’t do what’s easy, do what you’re capable of. Astound yourself with your own abilities. And as you struggle forward, remember, it is far better to be exhausted from lots of effort and learning than to be tired of doing nothing. Effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger and more experienced in the long run.

4. Refuse to accept necessary risks.

Living is about learning as you go. Living is risky business. Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a small risk. To truly live is to know you’re getting up and taking that risk, and to trust yourself to take it. To not get out of bed, clutching to illusions of safety, is to die slowly without ever having truly lived. This isn’t drama—it’s real life.

Think about it. If you ignore your instincts and let shallow feelings of uncertainty stop you, you will never know anything for sure, and in many ways this un-knowing will be worse than finding out your instincts were wrong. Because if you were wrong, you could make adjustments and carry on with your life, without looking back and wondering what might have been.

5. Make the rejections of yesterday the focal point of today.

Be okay with walking away when the time comes. Rejection teaches us how to reject what’s not right for our well-being. It won’t be easy, but some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.

All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make thereafter. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true. Of course, this old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it means the other person or circumstance failed to align with what we have to offer. It means we have more time to improve our thing—to build upon our ideas, to perfect our craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us. And that’s exactly what you need to do, starting now.

6. Refuse to take responsibility.

You aren’t responsible for everything that happened to you, but you need to be responsible for undoing the thinking and behavioral patterns these outcomes created. Blaming the past for a limiting mindset today doesn’t fix it. Change your response to what you remember, and step forward again with grace.

A combination of your decisions and external factors for which you had no control brought you to where you are in the world today. Negatively blaming someone else, or some other past circumstance, will change nothing. Positively taking full responsibility for your situation and your path forward can change everything. Leave the unchangeable past behind you as you diligently give yourself to the present moment. In this moment is every possibility you seek. Take responsibility for it, and bring these possibilities to life.

7. Close your mind to new ideas and perspectives.

Even as you grow wiser and wiser with age you must remind yourself that an understanding is never absolutely final. What’s currently right could easily be wrong later. Thus, the most destructive illusion is a settled point of view. So, remember that success in life does not depend on always being right. To make real progress you must let go of the assumption that you already have all the answers.

Bottom line: Don’t stop learning. Don’t stop investing in yourself. Study. Read. Devour books. Engage with people, including those who think differently. Ask questions. Listen closely. And don’t just grow in knowledge. Be a person who gives back. Use what you’re learning to make a difference.

8. Let a few negative people fill your mind with garbage.

Your mind is your private sanctuary; do not allow the negative beliefs of others to occupy it. Your skin is your barrier; do not allow others to get under it. Take good care of your personal boundaries and what you allow yourself to absorb from others.

Of course, there will inevitably be a few people in your life who will be critical of you regardless of what you do or how well you do it. If you say you want to be a dancer, they will discredit your rhythm. If you say you want to build a new business, they will give you a dozen reasons why it might not work. They somehow assume you don’t have what it takes, but they are dead wrong. Let that sink in.

It’s a lot easier to be negative than positive—a lot easier to be critical than correct. When you’re embarking on a new venture, instead of listening to the few critics that will try to discredit you, spend time talking to one of the thousands of people in this world who are willing to support your efforts and acknowledge your potential, respectfully. And go ahead and leave us a comment on this post if you think you can’t find one.

9. Hold tight to something that’s not real.

One of the most important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because, when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself—to grow beyond the unchangable. And that changes everything.

Seriously, remind yourself right now that not everything is meant to be. You have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along. It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was. It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place. The key is knowing this, learning from it, letting go, and taking the next step. 

10. Maintain rigid expectations every step of the way.

Simple things become complicated when you expect too much. Expectation truly is the root of all heartache. Don’t let it get the best of you. Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for personal growth, depending on what you choose to do with it. So start by choosing to let go of the ideas and expectations that aren’t serving you.

(MARCANDANGEL).