Short Reflection: Light and Shadow

One of the greatest lessons we learn in life is that we are often attracted to a bright light in another person. Initially, this light is all we see. It’s so bright and beautiful. But after a while, as our eyes adjust, we notice this light is accompanied by a shadow… and oftentimes a fairly large one.

When we see this shadow, we have two choices: we can either shine our own light on the shadow or we can run from it and continue searching for a shadow-less light.

If we decide to run from the shadow, we must also run from the light that created it. And we soon find out that our light is the only light illuminating the space around us. Then, at some point, as we look closer at our own light, we notice something out of the ordinary. Our light is casting a shadow too. And our shadow is bigger and darker than some of the other shadows we’ve seen.

If, on the other hand, instead of running from the shadow, we decide to walk towards it, something amazing happens. We inadvertently cast our own light on the shadow, and likewise, the light that created this shadow casts its light on ours. Gradually, both shadows begin to disappear. Not completely, of course, but every part of the two shadows that are touched by the other person’s light illuminate and disappear.

And, as a result, we each find more of that bright beautiful light in the other person.

Which is precisely what we have been searching for all along.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Mental Health: The Need To Talk

Thomas (not real name) had not been himself for the last two weeks. Though he often responded with ‘I’m fine’ when asked ‘How are you?’ every morning, his countenance was what gave him away. He wasn’t looking the part and the weak signals were glaring by the day. Yet, where Thomas worked, his friends and colleagues hadn’t picked up the weak signals. He had often wore a smile which was a complete façade that masked his misery, cleverly. I stumbled upon Thomas one day, when I discovered he was suicidal and had been on pills. He was going to take his life in twenty four hours. Every one of us has a ‘Thomas’ we know, that lives with us or that is among us. They are often normal people with seemingly no issues until they do the ‘unthinkable.’ Put more succinctly, you might just be a ‘Thomas’ yourself. Many of us are simply oblivious.

In this part of the world, we like to feign alien to some subjects. It is common place to hear people say things like ‘Suicide is not a Nigerian thing,’ ‘Lesbianism and Homosexuality is not Nigerian,’ ‘Depression is not our thing,’ etc. Such comments are complete hogwash. All of these things are human practices and the fact that is clandestine and hardly spoken about in this part doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.

Back to the subject, mental health is real. People go through stuff and many people contemplate suicidal thoughts every now and then. Some might ask ‘What will really make someone want to take his life anyway?’ That very question miss the point. I have spoken to those on the verge and the reason to want to give up is what some people will classify as ‘flimsy.’ The point however, is that it is not in anyone’s place to dismiss the gravity of what another man is going through based on our own worldview. Some with suicidal thoughts will tell you that it is never one thing that is the issue. It is always one thing being magnified by another thing. The crux of the matter is that we all fight demons every day; and many fight them, silently.

The foregoing buttresses the need to be nice to everyone you meet. Life is hard enough for you to compound it with your unkindness. More importantly, always pick up the weak signals in people. Care and genuinely care. Ask people ‘How are you’ and mean it, not just as a cliché. Talk to people and saliently listen to what is being said and what is not being said. You might just be the reason someone decides to give life a second chance. Do not take this lightly.

And just in case you are depressed, you are tired and contemplating ending it all, step back and take another perspective. Thomas told me afterwards that all through the time he was going through the difficult patch and contemplating suicide, everything in his life seemed not to make sense. The events of his life was only fueling the case to end it all. He picked up the negatives in everything that happened to him during that time, and it all made sense to end it all. This means that those going through mental health are not rational thinkers; and that is the premise of the peril. The truth is that no matter what you are going through in your life, perspective is everything. It is often never as bad as you think it is. The devil and your perverse mind just conspire to make you think that nothing is working in your life. There is so much more working in your life than the things that are not working. Always put things in perspective, don’t lose your hope and never surround yourself with the wrong people. Most importantly, when life completely weighs upon you, speak to someone you can confide in. Don’t keep it to yourself. It will only kill you further, especially when you are at a breaking point. As the song writer said ‘Stay alive for yourself and for those who love you.’ And never forget, Jesus loves you. Completely.

10 Truths to Keep You Going When Everything Goes Wrong

1. What happened to you in the past is not happening now. – In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc. Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. The pain, however, is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident. It’s simply a process of your thinking. Do your best to see it for what it is.

2. Life changes from moment to moment, and so can you. – When hard times hit there’s a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. For some strange reason this doesn’t happen as much when things are going well. A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go. But when we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.

3. You can fight and win the battles of today, only. – No matter what’s happening, you can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you add the battles of those two mind-bending eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly painful and complicated.

4. Not being “OK” all the time is normal. – Sometimes not being OK is all we can register inside our tired brains and aching hearts. This emotion is human, and accepting it can feel like a small weight lifted. Truth be told, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer living and breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world. It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had planned for. It’s not OK when the bank account is nearly at zero, with no clear sign of a promising income opportunity. It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you and breaks your heart. It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained to the point that you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning. It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known before. Whatever your painful season of life consists of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now. And that realization is more than OK.

5. Now that you know better, you can do better next time. – At some point, we’ve all been walked on, used and forgotten. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices. We’ve learned who we can trust and who we can’t. We’ve learned the meaning of friendship. We’ve learned how to tell when people are lying and when they’re sincere. We’ve learned how to be ourselves, and appreciate the truly great people and things in our lives as they arrive. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.

6. Nobody wins a game of chess, or the game of life, by only moving forward. – Sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. Because sometimes, when it feels like you’re running into one dead end after another, it’s actually a sign that you’re not on the right path. Maybe you were meant to hang a left back when you took a right, and that’s perfectly fine. Life gradually teaches us that U-turns are allowed. Turn around when you must! There’s a big difference between giving up and starting over in the right direction.

7. Every “goodbye” leads to a “hello.” – What you need to realize is that most things are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them. Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right! Do not let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control. In other words, say “goodbye” to what didn’t work out so you can say “hello” to what might. In life, goodbyes are a gift. When certain people walk away from you, and certain opportunities close their doors on you, there is no need to hold on to them or pray to keep them present in your life. If they close you out, take it as a direct indication that these people, circumstances and opportunities are not part of the next chapter in your life. It’s a hint that your personal growth requires someone different or something more, and life is simply making room.

8. The willingness to struggle opens great windows of opportunity. – One of the most important abilities you can develop in life is the willingness to accept and grow through times of difficulty and discomfort. Because the best things are often hard to come by, at least initially. And if you shy away from difficulty and discomfort, you’ll miss out on them entirely. Mastering a new skill is hard. Building a business is hard. Writing a book is hard. A marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Staying healthy is hard. But all are amazing and worth every bit of effort you can muster. Realize this now. If you get good at struggling forward and doing hard things, you can do almost anything you put your mind to.

9. The biggest problem is often the way you’re thinking about the problem. – Think about a self-limiting belief you have—an area of your life where you believe you are destined to remain stuck. It can be about any part of your life you hope to change—your weight, your career, your relationships—anything at all. What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your position on Earth? And then I want you to shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that “fact” was true for you. I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory. What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me,’ but I did it!”? Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it. You can start taking steps forward every day that go against it—positive daily rituals that create more tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on.

10. Small, incremental changes always change everything in the long run. – The concept of taking it one step at a time might seem absurdly obvious, but at some point we all get caught up in the moment and find ourselves yearning for instant gratification. We want what we want, and we want it now! We want to feel better, we want more progress, etc. And this yearning often tricks us into biting off more than we can chew. So, remind yourself: you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Tiny, repeated efforts will get you there, gradually.

(MARCANDANGEL).

We Are The Choices We Make

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” — Stephen Covey

Our existence comprises of choices that we make. From drinking milk in the morning to attending your least favorite lecture, from buying a blue shirt instead of a green shirt at your favorite store to adding an extra spoon of sugar in your coffee, from painting your bedroom wall pink to finding the balls to speak to your crush — you take a plethora of decisions, make choices, and bear the consequences. Choices are everywhere. Despite our parents making most of our decisions for our better and brighter future when we’re very young, we start learning how to choose between the options placed strategically in front of us and make decisions. Every man fortunately or unfortunately goes through the fate of decisions.

The choices you make and the decisions you take have a long lasting impact on your life. This is cliché but it doesn’t diminish the truism in that statement. Our lives are a series of choices we’ve made so far. We live with those choices for the rest of our lives — and believe me when I say this, the rest of your life is a pretty long period. Whether you feel it immediately or not, your life is being shaped by the choices you are making in the present. Whether you decide to go to college or take that music class you always wanted to or get your hair colored in shades of rainbow or travel to foreign lands alone — it’s your choice. It is all your choice. It has always been your choice. The past is unalterable yet offers you an insight on the mistakes you made. The present is a gift you need to make the best of, and the core of your future comprises each and every decision you have ever taken.

Sometimes, we make bad choices and often brim with misery and regret when we realize our mistake. That’s part of being human. When I flip through my diary and go over the deeds my past self had once engaged in, instead of being ashamed of who I was or what I’ve done, I want to be proud of myself and my choices. I want to be happy with what I wore, what I said, what I read, what I ate, what I listened to, and what I did. And this is only possible if I think before I make choices in the present. We can’t undo the past, but we can always learn from it. Choices are the building blocks of our lives and despite all the mistakes one makes, a new day brings with itself new opportunities and a whole new world of choices.

There may be times we make choices that cause our path to become tough, confusing and uncertain. Our path seems like a series of hills and valleys, there is never any balance. When this happens, we should stop and examine the choices we made that have taken us down this path. We should evaluate those choices and identify alternatives or new choices that will bring us back to our true path-the one we originally created. Once again we shape our lives by the choices we make.

To assist in making choices, these are perhaps some thoughts and criteria to always keep in mind:
1. What is important and valuable to you? What you value may not be of much import to someone else. So know what you value most.
2. Don’t lose focus on your future. Many people tend to make choices based on life as it appears right now instead of looking to the future. Does your choice and its ramifications stay within the goals that you have set for yourself for the future?
3. Have you looked at all the alternatives and considered different scenarios? Sometimes you just might consider a different outcome.
4. How important is this decision, and are you willing to work on it? Don’t get caught up with how important a choice is, but — better yet — what a positive impact this has on your life.
5. Don’t forget to use your “intuition” for your choice instead of your head.
Dr. Bobbie Stevens, in an article titled ‘The Importance of Choice’s on the unlimitedfutures.org website, shared an interesting point about our choices and the impact it has on our life:
"It is so important to understand that we are all making choices all the time, even when we chose not to choose we have still made a choice. It is our choices that determine our experiences. The choices we are making today will show up in our experiences in the future. Unless we are willing to take full responsibility for ourselves and the choices we make, we have no control over our lives. We have been given all the power to create our experiences through our choices, but if we believe that outside forces are responsible for our choices we give away all the power we have. Sometimes making the right choice or even knowing how to choose is very difficult, but it is vitally important to understand that you are in charge of your own life if you chose to think for yourself. If you chose not to take charge, you will experience the consequences of that choice, and simply be blown about by life like a leaf in the wind."
When you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. It may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience to your own life. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time can tell. But do not regret it whatever the outcome. Instead, learn from it and remember that you always have the chance to make better decisions in the future.

The inspiring U.S preacher, Joyce Meyer in her article titled ‘The Power of a Right Choice: It's a Matter of Life or Death’ further shared some great insights on the subject:
“I wonder how many decisions we make every day. I believe it’s probably hundreds. We decide whether or not to get out of bed, what we’ll eat, what we’ll do, what we’ll think about, what we’ll say…and on and on. While it may seem like many of our daily choices are not that significant, it’s important to understand that they do matter. Every choice is a seed you sow, and those seeds produce fruit in your life – either for life or for death. And if we want to have the life Jesus died to give us – an abundant life full of real peace and joy – we need to make wise choices. Consistently Good Choices Lead to the Good Life. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about on a practical level. I go to bed at 9 o’clock every night and am asleep by 9:30. I get up at 5:30 and spend two to three hours with God every morning before I get ready for the day and walk out the door. I do this because I need to spend time with God to be the Christian I want to be and treat people the way I want to treat them. Also, I need consistent sleep or I will feel bad physically. I’m in my late sixties, and I can honestly say I feel great most of the time. In fact, I can do more than some people I know who are younger than me. This is the fruit of making wise choices in my daily life. Think about this: How can you change and what could your life be like if you made better choices right now? Don’t put it off any longer.”

Remember that the choice is yours. It has always been. We are free to choose our actions, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. Again, a striking thought about choices is that to not make any is to make a choice, and we must always assess what could have been by choices we knew enough to make at the time but did nothing about. It could be investing in a business, acquiring a property, going to college or pursuing a career path. At times, we never know what might have been because of the choices we have decided to follow. Indeed, we might never know. We just learn to live in peace with the road we have travelled by.

Penultimately, always remember and bear in mind that life is a series of choices, and most choices are based on two things: love or fear. Both can disguise in different ways along your path. Both can also masquerade in different ways along your journey of life. Make the choices in your life today never compromising the most important things in life., and sustain a happy life during your earthly mission. Just think: The choice you make today could make not only your life happier, but make a better world in which we live. Choice is serious business. Choose to take your life choices seriously. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Culled from my book 'The Path Less Travelled' (https://www.amazon.com/Path-Less-Travelled-Reflections-Learning/dp/1540663507/ref=la_B01NAFINA0_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518345927&sr=1-1)