21 Things I Learnt In 2021

2021 has truly been a remarkable year, and that is not just a cliché. It’s been a year dipped in known uncertainties and under a cloud of novel proportions. Below are some of my reflections that resonated this year:

1. Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment. It’s about the trials and errors that get you there—the blood, sweat, and tears—the small, inconsequential things you do every day. It all matters in the end—every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

2. We must be ready to put in the work for the things we desire. If you want a job, be ready to work. If you want a relationship, be ready to work. If you want a family, be ready to work. If you want happiness, be ready.

3. Life will happen to all of us. None of us will escape the pangs of life. The unpredictability will happen. If the last two years have thought us anything, it is this fact!

4. You can always control the way you respond to what happens, and in your response is your power.

5. Consistency will always trump hardwork, talent, sponsorship. Stay with it. Just stay!

6. If you live long enough you will understand that even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them.

7. Your heart might be bruised, but it will gradually heal and become capable of feeling the beauty of life once again. It’s happened to you before, and it will happen again – life is always changing.

8. It’s not the mistakes and failures you have to worry about, it’s the opportunities you miss when you don’t even try that hurt you the most.

9. More than ever before I have come to the realization that there is always a lie lingering in between a dream and too many excuses. And the lie is you lying to yourself.

10. When all is said and done, grief is the price you pay for love. And it’s better to have loved, lost and learned, than to have never loved at all.

11. We often time have a notion that doing nothing and just having a nice time is a waste of time. That is a lie. Life is not all about ‘doing things and tasks and targets.’ Sometimes, doing nothing is enough.

12. We all have days when we’re not our best. And the older we grow, the more we realize how important it is to give others the break we hope the world will give us on our own bad days.

13. Some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness and peace. Don’t be one of them. Life is too short. Time is running out. Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been.

14. Daily kindness is truly a beautiful legacy to leave behind.

15. Take action, work hard, but don’t forget to pause and pay attention to life’s little moments too. That’s honestly one of my biggest learnings reinforced in 2021.

16. It’s nice to have acquaintances. It’s important to be friendly. But don’t get carried away and spread yourself too thin. Leave plenty of time for those who matter most to you. Your time is extremely limited

17. If you always play the victim, you will always be treated like one. Life isn’t fair, but no one promises us it was going to be. Just deal with it.

18. You will never feel as confident as you want to feel.  Stop believing that you should feel more confident before you take the next step.  Taking the next step is what builds your confidence.

19. Patience is not about waiting.  Patience is the ability to keep a positive, focused attitude while working hard to move your life forward.

20. When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting.  Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated.  Not everything and everyone you lose is a loss.

21. Forget popularity.  Just do your thing with passion, humility, and honesty.  Do what you do, not for an applause, but because it’s what’s right.  Many of the kindest gestures you’ll ever make, and the most important things you’ll ever do, will never be seen publicly.  Do them anyway.

We Are All Bullies: Reflections From Sylvester's Death

 

Recently, there have been a outcry over the unfortunate death of Sylvester Oromoni. A young man, cut short in his prime in his pursuit of the golden fleece of knowledge. The circumstances surrounding the death of Sylvester is replete in public domain, and to rehash it here will be to somewhat relive the harrowing experience twice. No child, heck, no one should be subjected to such perilous experience, and the story of his demise is begging for more answers than questions. But before we go on a tangent of how Dowen College is the guinea pig here, one cannot help but wonder if we are not all accomplice as a society. That Sylvester went through such horror is one thing, but that there was an enabling environment that made the horror possible is another thing. Simply put, we all failed Sylvester. We are indeed a society of bullies.

In many workplaces today, many are subjected to all sorts of inhumane treatment in their quest for a better life. Bosses parade themselves as demi gods who must be feared, worshipped and adored. These bullies take advantage of the decayed economy and the overbloated vault of unemployed Nigerians. Employees are at the mercy of employers with our porous labour laws hardly providing succour. They are harassed, assaulted and bullied. Some of these bullies will be the first to have their nose in the air and heave in contempt of the bullies in Sylvester's story. Hypocrisy at its finest.

Nigeria ranks high in the list of countries with great degree of domestic violence. There are bullies in many homes. Husbands who pound their wives, physically and emotionally. Wives who do the same. Domestic helps who are treated as sub-humans and the list is endless. Yet, some of these people will be acolytes in the Sylvester Oromoni justice procession. Some of them will take front row in the discourse. Who is fooling who? 

We are a nation of bullies. Everyday, in our streets we see people trying so vehemently to take advantage of others. The places of worship and business enterprises are not spared. When stories such as that of Sylvester manifests, many try to pretend that there are no parallels with their bullying lifestyles in their own little world. We fane empathy, we dawn the toga of concern, we tweet and post heartbroken emojis, we write epistles on Facebook. It is a just thing to speak up in the face of injustice but the table of justice is one that we must come to with clean hands. We all failed Sylvester by contributing to a culture that breeds and embolden bullies. While we seek Justice for Sylvester, we should be circumspect and look inwards. Are we not really guilty of bullying in some aspects of our individual lives and interactions? 

10 Things You Do NOT Need to Be Happier in Life

 

1. To please everyone – Be careful not to give so much of yourself to others that you end up completely losing yourself. When you go around pleasing everyone but yourself, you are the one that gets hurt in the end. The late and great Herbert Bayard Swope said it like this: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” That is spot on advice if you ask me. Because truthfully, you are never going to please everyone anyway. At some point you will hold an unpopular opinion – one that gives you meaning and makes you feel alive. And when you do, you ought to hold on tight, tune out the noise, and make it count.

2. Everything to be easy – You have to do hard things to be happy in life. The things no one else is doing. The things that frighten you. The things others can’t do for you. The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward. Because those are the things that define you. Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living – between knowing the path and walking the path – between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and success.

3. Certainty and guarantees – Some people build too many walls in their lives and not enough bridges. It sounds crazy, but they would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy. Don’t be one of them. Open yourself up. Take chances. Run free. To accomplish amazing things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. Be a dreamer, a believer, and a courageous and cheerful thinker. Be a positive motivator, a productive doer, and a go-getter who keeps her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground. Let the spirit of passion and possibility ignite a fire within you to do something worthwhile today and every day, and don’t forget to spread your enthusiasm to those around you. 

4. To be better than others – The size of our universe shrinks dramatically when we place ourselves at the center – when we think everyone is our competition – when we think we have to be richer, smarter, and more attractive than the person sitting next to us. Such a goal just keeps a person alienated and tirelessly running in place. Now, on the flip-side, take someone who doesn’t keep score, who’s not looking to be richer, or smarter, or more attractive, who has not the slightest interest even in being better than anyone else: she’s free. Bottom line: Compete with yourself only.

5. More control over everything and everyone – Sometimes we put too much interest into trying to control every tiny aspect of our lives. Learn to relax and ride the path that life takes you sometimes. Incredible change will happen in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you do not. Freeing yourself from trying to control the insignificant and uncontrollable things lets you experience more of the goodness around you. In fact, the greatest joys are often the unexpected surprises that arrive when you are flexible and open to life’s twists and turns.

6. Immense moments of glory – Graduations, wedding days, lavish vacations – these times are often fun-filled and deeply celebrated, but these times pass, because time passes. This is something we rarely grasp at first. True, lasting happiness is found in the appreciation of all the small things. For me, there are random moments – tossing a salad, coming up the driveway to our home, ironing the seams flat on a dress shirt, standing at the kitchen window and looking out at the sun rising over the Austin skyline, hearing a giggle from my son who’s playing in the other room – when I feel a wavelike rush of joy. This is my true happiness: arbitrary moments of sudden, throbbing appreciation for a life I feel privileged to lead.

7. Other people to constantly validate me – Relationships are essential, but happiness originates from within. It is not exclusively dependent on external validation or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend entirely on the behavior and actions of others. Keep this in mind. Never give all your power to anyone else. Until you make complete peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have or who you’re with. Learn to love and respect yourself first, before loving the idea of other people loving and respecting you.

8. Perfect harmony in all relationships at all times – Harmony in relationships is nice when it’s sincere, but too often we try to fake it. Effective communication is king. You have to talk it out sometimes. After all, the only way to be happy in life is to live with integrity. This means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Being clear and asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create occasional tension. Behaving in ways that are in agreement with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not just what others believe. 

9. A superior time and place – The reason many people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. The key, of course, is to do the opposite. Appreciate your past without reliving it, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear. Life is simply too short to spend at war with yourself. Letting go of the past and future is your first step to happiness and peace in the present. Realize that you are today where your thoughts and actions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and actions today take you. Bottom line: You can’t stop the future. You can’t rewind the past. The only way to live is to press play, and dance.

10. Happiness 24/7 – Absolutely no one is happy all of the time. Because you simply can’t be happy unless you’re unhappy sometimes. This is a harsh truth, I know. Just keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal to experience considerable fluctuations in your level of happiness from day to day, month to month, and even year to year. Believing and expecting otherwise will only lead to disillusionment. But even when life is less than blissful, you are still in charge of how you respond. Choose positivity, always. The greatest act of faith some days is to simply get up and face the day, with a smile.

(MARCANDANGEL).

How Are You Really?

 

Simon Sinek once said that the litmus test to see if you really care is this – when you ask someone ‘How are you,’ do you genuinely wait and listen for the answer. As simple as that sounds, it is profound. People can see through the façade, and for the most part, you can often tell when someone genuinely cares.

Recently, the circus that is Social Media trend was agog with revelations by American actress turned Duchess of Sussex (by marrying Prince Harry), Meghan Markle, that she was suicidal. While there are a lot to unpack in that interview with Oprah, what cannot be disputed is the reality that ‘looks are deceptive,’ and in the words of Meghan herself ‘You have no idea what is going on for someone behind closed doors. Even the people that smile the biggest smiles and shine the brightest light (it seems) you have to have compassion.’

The conversation of mental health in Nigeria has slowly but surely begin to attain relevancy in public discourse. Where weakness was hitherto associated with vulnerability, the narrative is starting to turn on its head. This is partly so because of cases of more and more Nigerians committing suicide, amplified by social media. The attainment to some form of prominence for the subject of mental health can also be attributed to the fact that many battling the scourge are also exhausted, and are beginning to seek for help now; help that is becoming more available than in the past.

With the risk of sounding like a broken record, the place of mental health today cannot be over-emphasized. There are layers of issues many are contending with, and there are no pass marks for ‘performance’ amidst a dissonance with your reality. There is no shame in asking for help. Find a core group of persons you can share with. Be open with this core, be vulnerable. Speak about these things and unravel the layers. Stay away from those who force you to ‘perform’ when you are with them and open the blinds of your life a bit more. Depression is a fat big bully, and like every bully, when you confront it, you will see that there wasn’t much substance to it in the first place.

When mental health acolytes advocate for empathy, it should not be mistaken for sympathy. While one is a call to connect to our humanity, the other can border on the superfluous even though it has its own place. Empathy is so sacrosanct in a world that is becoming rifer with ‘getting back at people,’ quick to sell the ‘cancel culture’ and eager to hurl the ‘savage response’ stones. There is no grace or 'wokeness' in these. Particularly on social media, be circumspect in your exchanges, responses and overall candor. It is possible and fine to hold an opinion that is different from the next person. Afterall, no one is an arbiter of the truism of trends, news and opinions. Be easy in your exchanges; there are no prizes for holding an opinion.

In the final analysis, we are all contending with something, fighting our personal demons and battling with things that scourge our hearts. We all fight differently. Some are famed logophile with their struggles, others are sheer taciturn. There are no right or wrong with these things. Finally, look after yourself. Be great at your job or whatever you do but ensure you can see the wood for the tree in the grand scheme of your life.