Choose Yourself Today: 7 Hard Choices that Will Make You Happier

1. Choose an attitude that moves you forward.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

In other words, a peaceful and mentally strong person is not a someone who’s always in a good situation, but rather someone who always has a good attitude in every situation.

Regardless of what you’re going though, it’s about choosing: Will I allow this to upset me? Will I choose to make this bad or good? Will I choose to stay or walk away? Will I choose to yell or whisper? Will I choose to react or take the time to mindfully respond?

When our course students come to us feeling down about a life situation they can’t control, we typically start by reinforcing the hard truth: sometimes changing your situation isn’t possible, or simply not possible soon enough. You can’t get to a new job in an instant. You can’t make someone else change against his or her will. And you certainly can’t erase the past. But…

You CAN always choose an attitude that moves you forward. And doing so will help you change things from the inside out, and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.

2. Choose to focus only on today.
No matter what’s happening, you can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you add the battles of those two mind-bending eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly intense and complicated.

Accept that it’s not the experience of today that holds you back and drives you mad, but the regret and resentment about something that happened yesterday or the fear and dread of what tomorrow might bring, but probably won’t. It’s necessary, then, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.

And this same strategy applies to your goals too—they don’t need to be so darn grandiose and convoluted that they frighten you. If your goals excite you, and are broken down into manageable chunks, you’ll be compelled to move forward with them. If they are based on what brings meaning into your life, not just what you think you “should” do, working on them will flow easier into each new day.

3. Choose to take the next step.
It really only takes a small shift everyday that over time amounts to enormous change.

People don’t suddenly heal and start living their ideal life overnight—their daily rituals (tiny steps) play a massive role in making it possible for them to create the life they sincerely want to live.

You can choose to develop daily rituals that point you in the direction of creating your ideal life—or rituals that keep you firmly anchored to your present situation. Make the decision. Make the commitment. Then take the next tiniest step forward in the direction you choose to go.

Honestly, that’s all life is—tiny, positive steps that you take moment by moment, and then one day when you look back it all adds up to something worthwhile – something that’s often far better, and different, than what you had imagined when you began your journey.

4. Choose to take things less personally.
After a couple decades of intentional soul searching, I finally figured out that there’s absolutely no benefit to holding on to anger, resentment or any of their close cousins. Truthfully, I would not be the human being I am today if it weren’t for each and every life experience I’ve had. And the same is true for you.

Screwing up, making mistakes, and letting people down occasionally isn’t wrong—it’s being human.

When I realized this truth, and accepted it, I opened my awareness to the fact that not everything, or perhaps even anything, that anyone else ever does is about me.

Think about the last time you were unkind to someone. Was it because of them, or because of you? Perhaps you were just having a bad day at the time, right?

Truth be told, if someone hurts you, chances are they have been hurt themselves. So do your very best to never take anything too personally. Don’t let vain insults get to your heart. Most human beings can only give others what they have received themselves. All of your actions and intentions should come from a place of love, but not everyone will be loving in return, and that’s perfectly OK.

As Miguel Ruiz explained in his book The Four Agreements, when you do not take anything personally, you liberate yourself. You can open yourself to the world, freely, and not have to worry about the judgments of others.

5. Choose to create healthy space for yourself (away from sources of negativity).
It doesn’t matter if it’s your dad, sister, cousin, friend or coworker that’s spewing negativity at you, if they are bringing you down on a daily basis, you need to spend less time with them. No, this doesn’t mean you have to exile them from your life – it simply means you can choose to carve out time away from them, to reclaim some positivity and sanity.

There’s a big difference between accepting that someone’s negative actions or behavior is born from a place of anxiety or insecurity versus excusing their behavior and therefore enabling it to continue relentlessly in your life.

We don’t have to condone a person’s negative behavior toward us, even though we may be compassionate, loving and understanding of its origins.

At some point we all have to be accountable for our own well-being. And quite honestly, if someone decides to lash out at you again and again, you’re not obligated to be a punching bag.

Also, keep in mind that differing opinions are a part of life and relationships. But when we come across people who are intent on delivering harsh criticism from the sidelines, sometimes we just have to tell ourselves that we may not be doing it perfectly in their eyes, but hey, at least we’re stepping up and doing it. At least we’re getting up, showing up, walking into that darn arena every day and turning to face the crowd, shouting: “Here I am, trying my best! I’m a work in progress and I’m OK with it!”

6. Choose to seek support only from the right sources.
Think for a moment… If you were craving pizza, would you go to a Japanese sushi bar? No! Because you know they don’t serve pizza at a Japanese sushi bar. In fact, they wouldn’t even have the right ingredients to make a pizza even if they were willing to customize a special order for you. If you really wanted pizza, you would simply go to an Italian restaurant that serves it, right?

Now think about the people you go to when you’re craving support, reassurance, guidance, healthy feedback, or simply a loving, listening ear. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you go to people who don’t have what you need on their menu, and thus find yourself endlessly discouraged and disappointed?

Bottom line: It’s time to align your hunger with where you dine.

7. Choose to be OK with NOT being perfectly OK.
Even though it’s true that life’s challenges make us stronger, and that it will be OK eventually… it’s not always OK right now, and sometimes that’s all we can feel when we’re in the midst of terribly tough times. Sometimes NOT being OK is all we can register inside our tired brains and aching hearts. This feeling is normal. This emotion is human. And accepting this can feel like a small weight lifted.

The truth is, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer living and breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world. It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had not planned for. It’s not OK when the bank account is nearly at zero, with no clear sign of a promising income opportunity. It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you and breaks your heart. It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained to the point you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning. It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known before.

Whatever your tough times consist of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now. And that, again, is more than OK.

Yes, I’m suggesting to try your hardest to be perfectly OK with not being perfectly OK all the time. Because those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who lay a firm foundation of growth with the bricks life has thrown at them. Don’t be afraid to fall apart for a little while, because when it happens, the situation will open an opportunity for you to grow and rebuild yourself into the brilliant human being you are capable of being, one brick at a time.

(MARCANDANGEL).

10 Tiny Thoughts that Keep Crushing Your Dreams (and Breaking Your Heart)

1. “My dreams and goals can wait.” – Live a life you are proud of. In the end, your greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things that don’t matter to you. We never tell ourselves that we will never live our dreams. Instead we just keep talking about how we will start living our dreams tomorrow.

2. “I don’t have time.” – Bottom line: “I don’t have time,” is really just another, perhaps politer, or perhaps naive, way of saying, “It’s not that important to me.”

3. “I’m not talented enough.” – Learn the value of work and practice – just the repeated concerted effort to get better at things. Forget the notions of talent and genius. I can hear you thinking, “Oh, these other people, they just have something that I don’t have.” When really, they are just people who work and practice more. Understand this. Work and practice are the keys to anything you want to do. If you want to play the guitar – anybody can learn to play the guitar – you can be good at it. Maybe you won’t be Jimi Hendrix, but you could be really good. You can be good enough to write good songs or make music with others or whatever. There’s no such thing as not having enough talent to get to that level. Because persistence is talent, really. Just sticking with it. Talent is not stopping.

4. “This problem is too big to solve.” – The problem is not the problem. The problem is the incredible amount of over-thinking you’re doing with the problem. Let it go and be free.

5. “I’m not ready yet.” – The truth is nobody ever feels ready when an opportunity arises. Because great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually. They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel comfortable at first. And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready. But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes the course of our lives depends on what we do or don’t do in a few seconds, a heartbeat, when we either seize an opportunity, or just miss it. Miss the moment and you may never get a chance again. So in case you never get a second chance, don’t be afraid! And what if you do get a second chance? Take it! It’s as simple as that.

6. “I knew I wasn’t good enough.” – Your struggle is part of your story. Being rejected from something you want often means you are being directed toward something you need.

7. “I’m a failure.” – Not trying is failing. Everything else is just practice. It’s OK if you mess up, that’s how you get wiser. Give yourself a break. And don’t give up! Good things take time, and you’re getting there, one step at a time.

8. “I just want everything to be easy.” – In every adversity there is a message. Struggles and crises are nature’s way of forcing change – breaking down old structures, shaking loose negative habits so that something new and better can grow in their place. So remember, just because you are struggling does NOT mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of struggle to get there.

9. “They have it so much easier than me.” – No one has it easier than you. Every one of us is fighting our own private battles. The strongest among us aren’t those who show strength we can see, but those who have won incredible inner battles we know nothing about.

10. “I have nothing to be thankful for.” – Choose positivity today. If you’re struggling to be thankful for what you have, think for a moment and be thankful for what you’ve escaped. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if your glass is half empty or half full. Be thankful that you have a glass and that there’s something in it.

(MARCANDANGEL).

You Have To Keep Believing - Ask Liverpool

On Tuesday, 7th May 2019, football reminded us why we fell in love with it in the first place. Like a renewed lover who can never lose her spice, she reminded us that even though we have been in this relationship for so long, she can still leave us breathless.

What a performance it was. Liverpool did not just defeat Barcelona physically, but technically, tactically, and ultimately intellectually, too. Barcelona, considered by many the greatest team in Europe, were outsmarted by a 20-year-old from West Derby in Merseyside. A 20-year old that once again proved that football is not a respecter of age. Trent Alexander-Arnold was still thinking when Barcelona stopped for the fourth goal, meaning he sold them a dummy that resonated across the globe as loud as any shot, sending Liverpool to Madrid on June 1. In the final analysis, this remarkable journey will not culminate on Merseyside, but in Madrid. After the miracle of this night and of this season, they deserve nothing less.

It is a cliché but Anfield is truly a special place; so special that even the greatest players in the world can cave to the atmosphere. On nights like this, emotions take on flesh, drive consumes the spirit and determination trounces talent. The takeaway for everyone is that at times, talent is not enough, and every time, hardwork and sheer drive will defeat talent. As Les Brown will say ‘How bad do you want it?’
However, one of the subtle stories (and there were many of them last night), was the audacious inscription on Mo Salah’s shirt. Mo Salah choose the occasion to wear that shirt. The inscription ‘Never Give Up’ exemplified everything about that Liverpool performance. The odds were staked against them. Not only were they facing arguably the best partnership in world football (Suarez/Messi), they were also missing two of their most potent partnerships (Salah/Firmino). Few gave them a chance, but the team believed. That belief is something we all need in this life, irrespective of what path we take.

As Martin Samuel of the Daily Mail remarked ‘This was a magnificent performance, of not just courage but footballing excellence. There is so much more to Liverpool than that ferocious press yet, on nights like this, it is those moments that resonate. How do they keep it up? How, amidst the most hard-fought title race in history, do they find the energy for this?’ It is difficult to answer as there will always be conjectures. One thing is constant though, at times, adversity brings out the best in us.

Like the renewed lover, football reminded us that though it is the hope that kills us, it is still the same hope that makes her magical. Long may she continue to seat at the iron throne of our hearts.

Short Excerpts From My Novel - Cacophony

Things began to hit rock bottom when Nkem started to notice that his mother’s health was fast deteriorating and the cracks were forming in her face. The cracks were taking a pattern that would soon announce itself to the world. She had first called it malaria but the elongated nature of the illness, coupled with the fact that she was losing weight, made Nkem and Da Amadi very worried. Something was not quite right. The first line of action for Obiageli was to resort to her spiritual mother.

‘They were always going to come for you, especially now that your son is a graduate,’ were the opening lines of her spiritual mother.
Even at a time when knowledge pervaded the environment, as far as spirituality goes, this was a turf for conformity and fewer questions. The joke had it that if you query the spiritual too often, the infinite might get angry and pour madness on you. It was the kind of fear often peddled around by those who engaged in the craft. It sold their trade and gave them the required decorum to bask in the spoils. There were little spiritual houses littered around Oboda-Akpu at the time. Many of them would pass for shanties but they wore the look and looked the part. Little pieces of red and white fabric were knotted to carefully selected stones and strategically placed on the sides of the shanties. There were half calabashes outside with one or two eggs inside. The calabashes also contained a mixture of leaves and herbs, visible enough to scare any intruder, while enticing those that seek answers, and sometimes, miracles. In a few other places, there were conspicuous banners that spoke to the mind from afar. The banners often had poor syntax on them but they were sensible enough to be understood by all and sundry.

‘Spiritual mother, please what do I do?’ Obiageli queried.