10 Truths to Keep You Going When Everything Goes Wrong

1. What happened to you in the past is not happening now. – In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc. Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. The pain, however, is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident. It’s simply a process of your thinking. Do your best to see it for what it is.

2. Life changes from moment to moment, and so can you. – When hard times hit there’s a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. For some strange reason this doesn’t happen as much when things are going well. A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go. But when we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.

3. You can fight and win the battles of today, only. – No matter what’s happening, you can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you add the battles of those two mind-bending eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly painful and complicated.

4. Not being “OK” all the time is normal. – Sometimes not being OK is all we can register inside our tired brains and aching hearts. This emotion is human, and accepting it can feel like a small weight lifted. Truth be told, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer living and breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world. It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had planned for. It’s not OK when the bank account is nearly at zero, with no clear sign of a promising income opportunity. It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you and breaks your heart. It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained to the point that you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning. It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known before. Whatever your painful season of life consists of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now. And that realization is more than OK.

5. Now that you know better, you can do better next time. – At some point, we’ve all been walked on, used and forgotten. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices. We’ve learned who we can trust and who we can’t. We’ve learned the meaning of friendship. We’ve learned how to tell when people are lying and when they’re sincere. We’ve learned how to be ourselves, and appreciate the truly great people and things in our lives as they arrive. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.

6. Nobody wins a game of chess, or the game of life, by only moving forward. – Sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. Because sometimes, when it feels like you’re running into one dead end after another, it’s actually a sign that you’re not on the right path. Maybe you were meant to hang a left back when you took a right, and that’s perfectly fine. Life gradually teaches us that U-turns are allowed. Turn around when you must! There’s a big difference between giving up and starting over in the right direction.

7. Every “goodbye” leads to a “hello.” – What you need to realize is that most things are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them. Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right! Do not let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control. In other words, say “goodbye” to what didn’t work out so you can say “hello” to what might. In life, goodbyes are a gift. When certain people walk away from you, and certain opportunities close their doors on you, there is no need to hold on to them or pray to keep them present in your life. If they close you out, take it as a direct indication that these people, circumstances and opportunities are not part of the next chapter in your life. It’s a hint that your personal growth requires someone different or something more, and life is simply making room.

8. The willingness to struggle opens great windows of opportunity. – One of the most important abilities you can develop in life is the willingness to accept and grow through times of difficulty and discomfort. Because the best things are often hard to come by, at least initially. And if you shy away from difficulty and discomfort, you’ll miss out on them entirely. Mastering a new skill is hard. Building a business is hard. Writing a book is hard. A marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Staying healthy is hard. But all are amazing and worth every bit of effort you can muster. Realize this now. If you get good at struggling forward and doing hard things, you can do almost anything you put your mind to.

9. The biggest problem is often the way you’re thinking about the problem. – Think about a self-limiting belief you have—an area of your life where you believe you are destined to remain stuck. It can be about any part of your life you hope to change—your weight, your career, your relationships—anything at all. What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your position on Earth? And then I want you to shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that “fact” was true for you. I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory. What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me,’ but I did it!”? Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it. You can start taking steps forward every day that go against it—positive daily rituals that create more tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on.

10. Small, incremental changes always change everything in the long run. – The concept of taking it one step at a time might seem absurdly obvious, but at some point we all get caught up in the moment and find ourselves yearning for instant gratification. We want what we want, and we want it now! We want to feel better, we want more progress, etc. And this yearning often tricks us into biting off more than we can chew. So, remind yourself: you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Tiny, repeated efforts will get you there, gradually.

(MARCANDANGEL).

We Are The Choices We Make

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” — Stephen Covey

Our existence comprises of choices that we make. From drinking milk in the morning to attending your least favorite lecture, from buying a blue shirt instead of a green shirt at your favorite store to adding an extra spoon of sugar in your coffee, from painting your bedroom wall pink to finding the balls to speak to your crush — you take a plethora of decisions, make choices, and bear the consequences. Choices are everywhere. Despite our parents making most of our decisions for our better and brighter future when we’re very young, we start learning how to choose between the options placed strategically in front of us and make decisions. Every man fortunately or unfortunately goes through the fate of decisions.

The choices you make and the decisions you take have a long lasting impact on your life. This is cliché but it doesn’t diminish the truism in that statement. Our lives are a series of choices we’ve made so far. We live with those choices for the rest of our lives — and believe me when I say this, the rest of your life is a pretty long period. Whether you feel it immediately or not, your life is being shaped by the choices you are making in the present. Whether you decide to go to college or take that music class you always wanted to or get your hair colored in shades of rainbow or travel to foreign lands alone — it’s your choice. It is all your choice. It has always been your choice. The past is unalterable yet offers you an insight on the mistakes you made. The present is a gift you need to make the best of, and the core of your future comprises each and every decision you have ever taken.

Sometimes, we make bad choices and often brim with misery and regret when we realize our mistake. That’s part of being human. When I flip through my diary and go over the deeds my past self had once engaged in, instead of being ashamed of who I was or what I’ve done, I want to be proud of myself and my choices. I want to be happy with what I wore, what I said, what I read, what I ate, what I listened to, and what I did. And this is only possible if I think before I make choices in the present. We can’t undo the past, but we can always learn from it. Choices are the building blocks of our lives and despite all the mistakes one makes, a new day brings with itself new opportunities and a whole new world of choices.

There may be times we make choices that cause our path to become tough, confusing and uncertain. Our path seems like a series of hills and valleys, there is never any balance. When this happens, we should stop and examine the choices we made that have taken us down this path. We should evaluate those choices and identify alternatives or new choices that will bring us back to our true path-the one we originally created. Once again we shape our lives by the choices we make.

To assist in making choices, these are perhaps some thoughts and criteria to always keep in mind:
1. What is important and valuable to you? What you value may not be of much import to someone else. So know what you value most.
2. Don’t lose focus on your future. Many people tend to make choices based on life as it appears right now instead of looking to the future. Does your choice and its ramifications stay within the goals that you have set for yourself for the future?
3. Have you looked at all the alternatives and considered different scenarios? Sometimes you just might consider a different outcome.
4. How important is this decision, and are you willing to work on it? Don’t get caught up with how important a choice is, but — better yet — what a positive impact this has on your life.
5. Don’t forget to use your “intuition” for your choice instead of your head.
Dr. Bobbie Stevens, in an article titled ‘The Importance of Choice’s on the unlimitedfutures.org website, shared an interesting point about our choices and the impact it has on our life:
"It is so important to understand that we are all making choices all the time, even when we chose not to choose we have still made a choice. It is our choices that determine our experiences. The choices we are making today will show up in our experiences in the future. Unless we are willing to take full responsibility for ourselves and the choices we make, we have no control over our lives. We have been given all the power to create our experiences through our choices, but if we believe that outside forces are responsible for our choices we give away all the power we have. Sometimes making the right choice or even knowing how to choose is very difficult, but it is vitally important to understand that you are in charge of your own life if you chose to think for yourself. If you chose not to take charge, you will experience the consequences of that choice, and simply be blown about by life like a leaf in the wind."
When you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. It may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience to your own life. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time can tell. But do not regret it whatever the outcome. Instead, learn from it and remember that you always have the chance to make better decisions in the future.

The inspiring U.S preacher, Joyce Meyer in her article titled ‘The Power of a Right Choice: It's a Matter of Life or Death’ further shared some great insights on the subject:
“I wonder how many decisions we make every day. I believe it’s probably hundreds. We decide whether or not to get out of bed, what we’ll eat, what we’ll do, what we’ll think about, what we’ll say…and on and on. While it may seem like many of our daily choices are not that significant, it’s important to understand that they do matter. Every choice is a seed you sow, and those seeds produce fruit in your life – either for life or for death. And if we want to have the life Jesus died to give us – an abundant life full of real peace and joy – we need to make wise choices. Consistently Good Choices Lead to the Good Life. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about on a practical level. I go to bed at 9 o’clock every night and am asleep by 9:30. I get up at 5:30 and spend two to three hours with God every morning before I get ready for the day and walk out the door. I do this because I need to spend time with God to be the Christian I want to be and treat people the way I want to treat them. Also, I need consistent sleep or I will feel bad physically. I’m in my late sixties, and I can honestly say I feel great most of the time. In fact, I can do more than some people I know who are younger than me. This is the fruit of making wise choices in my daily life. Think about this: How can you change and what could your life be like if you made better choices right now? Don’t put it off any longer.”

Remember that the choice is yours. It has always been. We are free to choose our actions, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. Again, a striking thought about choices is that to not make any is to make a choice, and we must always assess what could have been by choices we knew enough to make at the time but did nothing about. It could be investing in a business, acquiring a property, going to college or pursuing a career path. At times, we never know what might have been because of the choices we have decided to follow. Indeed, we might never know. We just learn to live in peace with the road we have travelled by.

Penultimately, always remember and bear in mind that life is a series of choices, and most choices are based on two things: love or fear. Both can disguise in different ways along your path. Both can also masquerade in different ways along your journey of life. Make the choices in your life today never compromising the most important things in life., and sustain a happy life during your earthly mission. Just think: The choice you make today could make not only your life happier, but make a better world in which we live. Choice is serious business. Choose to take your life choices seriously. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Culled from my book 'The Path Less Travelled' (https://www.amazon.com/Path-Less-Travelled-Reflections-Learning/dp/1540663507/ref=la_B01NAFINA0_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518345927&sr=1-1)

5 Hard Things You Need to Start Doing for Yourself on Hard Days

1. You need to start shifting your focus.

“I’m exhausted and so very tired of all the anxiety, negativity and stress. Too often my mind is consumed with draining thoughts, and every muscle in my body seems tense. It hurts. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel like I live in a whirlwind of constant pressure and exhaustion. I don’t want to just ‘get by’ day to day…”

You may not be responsible for everything that happened to you in the past, or everything that’s happening to you right now, but you need to be responsible for undoing the thinking patterns these circumstances create. It’s about thinking better so you can ultimately live better.

The key is to understand that no matter what happens, you can choose your response, which dictates pretty much everything that happens next. Truly, the greatest weapon you have against anxiety, negativity and stress is your ability to choose one present thought over another—to train your mind to make the best of what you’ve got in front of you, even when it’s far less than you expected. Yes, you can change the way you think! And once you do, you can master a new way to be.

2. You need to start questioning the stories you’re telling yourself.

In a very real way, the stories we tell ourselves change what we see in life. When we enter an experience with a story about how life is, that tends to be what we see, even when there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary.

Something similar happens through our wide-ranging, different past experiences. Some of us have been deeply heartbroken. Some of us have lost our parents, siblings or children to accidents and illnesses. Some of us have dealt with infidelity. Some of us have been fired from jobs we relied on. Some of us have been discriminated against because of our gender or race. And, when we enter a new experience that arouses prominent memories of our own painful story from the past, it shifts our perspective in the present—it narrows it.

When a negative past experience narrows our present perspective, it’s mostly just a defense mechanism. Every day of our lives we are presented with some level of uncertainty, and our innate human defense mechanisms don’t like this one bit. So our minds try to compensate by filling in the gaps of information by clinging to the stories we already feel comfortable with. We end up subconsciously trying to make better sense of everything in the present by using old stories and past experiences as filler. And while this approach works sometimes, other times our old stories and past experiences are completely irrelevant to the present moment, so they end up hurting us and those we love far more than they help.

Thus, my challenge for you today is this:

Whenever you feel tension and drama building up inside you, ask yourself…

What is the story I’m telling myself right now?
Can I be absolutely certain this story is accurate?
How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
What else would I see and experience if I removed the story from my mind?
Do your best to consciously detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself. Go deeper into reality. Don’t just look at the surface. Investigate. Observe without presupposing. Again, it’s about thinking better right now so you can ultimately live better right now.

3. You need to start watching your (very human) tendency to fabricate negative meanings and conclusions.

Replacing your negativity with positivity isn’t about turning off all your negative thoughts and stories; that’s nearly impossible because negative thinking typically arises spontaneously and uncontrollably. It’s also not about turning your false negative thoughts and stories into false positive ones. The goal is to reframe your negative thoughts and stories effectively, so they are based entirely in reality, detached from needless drama, and focused on the next positive step forward that can be taken in the present moment.

One smart place to start is evaluating and eliminating the negative meanings you assign to situations that don’t meet your expectations. For example…

“He was late, so he must not care about me.” – Or, perhaps he just got caught in traffic.
“If I can’t do this correctly, then I must not be smart enough.” – Or, perhaps you just need a little more practice, just like the rest of us.
“I haven’t heard back from the doctor, so the test results must be bad.” – Or, perhaps the lab is just really busy and your results aren’t available yet.

Fabricating negative meanings and conclusions like these, based on your own stubborn expectations, is a great way to keep your mind stuck in the gutter. This isn’t to say that you should never expect anything at all from yourself and others (diligence, honesty, ambition, etc.), but rather that the thought patterns governing your expectations should not automatically steer you toward unreasonable negativity. Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing life’s positive and neutral outcomes, even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out everything except the data that confirms the negative biases we have. So, do your best to catch yourself today.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life right now is an important step towards living a happier life.

4. You need to start letting go of what can’t be changed.

One of the most important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage and determination to let go of what can’t be changed. Because, when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself… to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

Of course, when hard times hit there’s a default human tendency to hold on—to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. This doesn’t happen as often when things are going well. A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go. But when we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy. Know this! If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your present and future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.

But be sure, this is more than simply accepting that life will improve as time passes. Yes, “time heals wounds,” but yours is not a passive role in the process of healing and moving past pain. The question is: where are your present steps taking you?

It doesn’t matter what’s been done; what truly matters is what YOU DO from here.

Realize that most people make themselves miserable simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Don’t be one of them! Let go of your fantasies. This letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself, in this moment.

5. You need to start being consistent with the right daily rituals.

Far too often we think that inner strength is all about how we respond to extremely hard circumstances. How did she perform on stage during that nationally televised event? Did he bounce back from that heart-wrenching divorce? Can she keep her life together even after suffering from a major, debilitating bodily injury?

There’s no doubt that extremely hard circumstances test our bravery, determination and inner strength, but what about common, daily circumstances? Just like every muscle in the body, the mind needs to be exercised to gain strength. It needs to be worked consistently to grow and develop over time. If you haven’t pushed yourself in hundreds of little ways over time, of course you’ll crumble on that one day that things get really challenging. But it doesn’t have to be that way…

Choose to go to the gym when it would be easier to sleep in. Choose to do the tenth rep when it would be easier to quit at nine. Choose to create something special when it would be easier to consume something mediocre. Choose to raise your hand and ask that extra question when it would be easier to stay silent. Prove to yourself, in dozens of little ways, that you have the guts to get in the ring and wrestle with life on a daily basis.

Inner strength is built through lots of small, daily victories. It’s the individual choices we make day-to-day that build our “inner strength muscles.” We all want this kind of strength, but we can’t simply think our way to it. If you want it, you have to do something about it ritualistically. It’s your positive daily rituals that prove your mental fortitude and move you in the direction of your dreams over the long-term.

The bottom line is that when things get difficult for most people, they find something more comfortable to do. When things get difficult for mentally and emotionally strong people, they find a way to stay on track with their positive daily rituals.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Who is Paddling Your Canoe?

We are in an age where the pressure to be something and 'keep up with the Jones' is alarming. Everyday, we get subtle pressures the moment we open our social media accounts or speak to that friend on the 'goings-on' in his life. Unconsciously, our life choices are impacted by what society and friends call important or pronounce as success. Individual's dress patterns, hair styles, choices, relationships and habits are increasingly being reinforced by what society call trendy and acceptable. Only few step back and ask themselves the question: 'What will it mean for me to have succeeded?'

More than ever before, we are losing our authenticity and more pathetically, following paths in life out of sheer pressure. A recent study in the United States showed that one of the core reasons for the spike in gun violence in America today, has to do with mental health issues by young people who have come to a point of depression because they felt they couldn't live up to the demands of society. These demands range from having a particular kind of girlfriend to attaining some sorts of notoriety early in life. Their world as they know it has set the success bar and there is a scramble to either reach it or take out their frustrations on others.

My favourite University lecturer upon meeting us as freshmen in his class for the first time said 'Whatever you want to attain in this school, good or bad, just know that someone at some point had once attained it. So live your life and make the most of your stay.' It was one of the most profound words I will ever hear throughout my University days.

At a time when the glitz and glamour of social media have literally taken over mainstream realities and overtaken conventional ideas, it is important to ensure that you don't fall for the madness. It is salient that you consciously ask yourself the question 'Who is paddling my canoe?' Be careful that the source of your unhappiness and sadness is not because you haven't attained the lifestyle you see on your social media timelines. More importantly, be mindful that you are not living a lie because you want to be admitted to the clique. You can't base your life choices on trends and perceptions. You can't afford to allow the pressure in today's world make you feel small and unfulfilled.

The thing with societal pressure is that you can't win. Society will always change the goal post. It is too short a life to be lived on someone else's terms. Live your life on your own terms. Put in the graft and hardwork required. Remember, there are times you have to use staircase when the elevator is broken. Be patient with your self and realize that you can't circumvent process and growth. Pace your self and understand that you can't be disingenious in this race of life. Don't live for the 'gram.' Many of what we see on social media is superficial and a mere smokescreen. Take it one day at a time and most importantly, paddle your own bloody canoe!

5 Ways to Quiet the Negative Voices in Your Head

1. Watch your tendency to over-generalize the negative (and minimize the positive).

Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”

For example, if someone rejects you or turns you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time and place by telling yourself, “I’m just not good at relationships; they never work out for me, ever”? If you fail an exam do you say to yourself, “Well, I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study more next time”? Or do you over-generalize it by telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?

Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes, even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the negative biases we have. So, do your very best to catch yourself today.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a happier life.

2. Start focusing on the grey area between life’s extremes.

Life simply isn’t black or white—100% of this or 100% of that—all or nothing. Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to misery, because it basically views any situation that’s less than perfect as being extremely bad. For example:

Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute back home from the office, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined the night!”
Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me.”
Since 99.9% of all situations in life are less than perfect, “all or nothing” thinking tends to make us focus on the negatives—the drama, the failures, and the worst-case scenarios. Sure, catastrophes occur on occasion, but contrary to what you may see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and total devastation.

3. Stop looking for negative signs from others.

Our negativity leads us to quickly jump to negative conclusions about the unknown, which can be especially harmful in our relationships. We are provoked to interpret something another person does as being negative, even when we have been given absolutely no indication of what the other person is thinking. For instance, “He hasn’t called, so he must not want to talk to me,” or, “She only said that to be nice, but she doesn’t really mean it.” When we jump to conclusions like this, we only cause ourselves and others unnecessary pain, stress and frustration.

So, if someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has a concealed, negative connotation. Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign.

On the flip-side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story helps the mind overcome it’s negative thinking tendencies. When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones. In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why he hasn’t called yet, but maybe… he’s actually extremely busy at work today.”

4. Identify the underlying triggers to your negative thinking.

To change your thinking, it helps to have a crystal-clear understanding of what you’re thinking in the first place. When a troubling (negative) thought arises in your mind, instead of ignoring it, pay closer attention and then record it. For example, if you’re sitting at your desk and you catch yourself ruminating about something negative, pause and write it down immediately. Get that raw thought out of your head and down on paper—just a short sentence or two that honestly depicts the specific thought that’s presently troubling you:

“I’m not good enough for the job I’m applying for because I don’t have enough experience.”

Then, identify what triggered the thought. Again, be brief and specific:

“I’m new to the industry, and therefore I’m feeling out of my comfort zone.”

At the very least, this process of evaluating your negative thoughts and their underlying triggers helps bring a healthy, objective awareness to the sources of your negativity or anxiety, which ultimately allows you to shift your mindset and take the next positive step forward.

5. Change your mantra.

All journeys of positive change begin with a goal and the determination needed to achieve it. However, what do you think happens when you are too determined, or too obsessed, with a goal? You begin to nurture another belief: who you are right now is not good enough.

So, the bottom line is this: you have to accept yourself as you are, and then commit to personal growth. If you think you are absolutely “perfect” already, you will not make any positive efforts to grow. But, constantly criticizing yourself is just as counterproductive as doing nothing, because you will never be able to build new positive changes into your life when you’re obsessively focused on your flaws.

The key is to remind yourself that you already are good enough; you just need more practice. Change your mantra from, “I have to be better,” to, “I will do my absolute best today.” The second mantra is far more effective, because it actually prompts you to take positive action at any given moment while simultaneously accepting the reality that every effort may not be perfect.

Being able to distinguish between healthy striving and self-abuse on your journey is another critically important step towards living a happier and more successful life.

(MARCANDANGEL).

Nigeria and The Urgency of Now

Credit to Pastor Poju Oyemade. The Platform, an annual conference centered around conversations and thoughts on forging ahead the Nigerian project has reached its eleventh year. In a nation where many things that take flight do not see its second year anniversary, the consistency is worth commending. The May 1st edition was themed 'Get Involved.' The crux of the discourse was for majority of Nigerians to snap out of their apathy and be a player in the Nigerian project. The array of speakers all made the point in succinct and vivid manner.

It is almost cliché but it remains true that a good number of Nigerians do not care beyond social media vitriolic. Some Nigerians have gained minor stardom and some sort of notoriety from being internet warlords and keypad mongers. While ‘the conversation’ is sacrosanct in our strive for a better nation, it is foolhardy to expect that it should end there; and that that alone is enough to alter our collective inimical plight. The reality is that the evidence of true interest in nation building is in the corresponding actions that accompanies the Twitter and Facebook diatribes. There are actions that suggest to all and sundry that we are truly desirous of a change beyond being loud or reticent. The little actions such as registering with a political party, taking out time to know who your local government chairman is, petitioning your representative at both the state and national level, vying for political offices are some of the true test of being involved. In politics, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

In many ways, the joke is on all of us. Part of the reason why the Nigerian political elite conducts itself with such petulance and nonchalance is that they know something that cannot be disputed. They are safe in the thought that there is no bite to our national bark, and that we slide on too quickly to other ventures. It is true that Nigerians find the sunny side of things in almost every debacle facing us as a nation but the down side is that at times, we stretch humor too far at the detriment of confronting the real issues. The history of change all around the world are tales of various people who were angry enough to get vitally involved and deliver the change they crave. Our collective anger is so short lived that the president and his handlers were so sure that the fallout from President Buhari’s rhetoric insinuation in London that Nigerian youths were lazy, was never going to survive the Big Brother Naija grand finale weekend. In this part of the world, our apathy is ridiculous. We are barely bothered beyond lip service. While many people are dissatisfied with the state of affairs, few are concerned enough to get involved. And for the few that get Involved, we often make a mockery of them, question their intentions, lampoon their ambitions, and dismiss their dreams. At times, we frustrate those who truly want to do something.

More than ever before, there is the urgency of now for all to get involved, and take on vital roles away from the keypads, blogs and newspaper back pages. The stark truth is that nothing will change if all we do is talk and forge public opinions. We all know what our problems are; the big question is: Are you ready to do something about it?

10 Hard Things You Need to Hear About Your Attitude

1. Your attitude often reflects a certain level of self-centered self-victimization. – We all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center, and see everything—every event, conversation, circumstance, etc.—from the viewpoint of how it relates to us and only us. And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling hurt when other people are rude, to feeling sorry for ourselves when things don’t go as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect. Obviously, we are not really at the center of everything. That’s not how the universe works. It just sometimes seems that way to us. So, be sure to shift your focus when it makes sense. When you catch yourself feeling like a singled-out victim, think about other people you might help. Finding little ways to help others can snap you out of your self-centeredness, and then you’re not wallowing in self-pity anymore—you’re starting to think beyond yourself, for your own good.

2. Your attitude is still greatly affected by old stories. – In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc. Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. The pain, however, is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident. It’s simply a process of your thinking. Do your best to see it for what it is.

3. Your attitude often reflects your inner resistance to reality. – Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life as it is presenting itself right now. Do your best to catch yourself. Be mindful. When you accept the reality of the moment, regardless of how painful, you allow yourself to grow and heal. Ultimately, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts, it’s what you do with what you have left.

4. Your attitude gets caught up in fearing and hiding from change. – Sometimes, no matter how hard it is to admit, there are things in your life that aren’t meant to stay. Change may not be what you want, but it’s always exactly what’s happening. Earth does not stop spinning. And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Or, saying hello will make you more vulnerable and uncomfortable than you ever imagined possible. At any given moment, change can seem almost too much to bear. But, over the long run, change is ultimately the only thing that allows you to learn and grow and succeed and smile again. So, remind yourself that life gradually changes in each and every moment, and so can YOU, for the better.

5. Your attitude is affected by your passivity and procrastination. – So many of us waste so much of our time and energy waiting for the ideal path to appear. But it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. We forget that we shouldn’t feel more confident before we take the next step—that taking the next step is what builds our confidence. And so, we hesitate, procrastinate, and ultimately succumb to the same old routines that have been driving us nuts for far too long. Truth be told, there are thousands of people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything. Don’t be one of them! Don’t settle for the default settings in life. Find your loves, your talents, your passions, and embrace them. Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions. Don’t let others tell you what you want. Design YOUR journey every step of the way! The life you create from doing something that moves you is far better than the attitude you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.

6. Your attitude reflects your aversion to discomfort. – Many of us don’t want to be uncomfortable, so we run from discomfort constantly. The problem with this is that, by running from discomfort, we are constrained to partake in only the activities and opportunities within our comfort zones. And since our comfort zones are relativity small, we miss out on most of life’s greatest and healthiest experiences, and we get stuck in a debilitating cycle. Let’s use diet and exercise as an example… First, you become unhealthy because eating healthy food and exercising feels uncomfortable, so you opt for comfort food and mindless TV watching instead. But then, being unhealthy is also uncomfortable, so you seek to distract yourself from the reality of your unhealthy body by eating more unhealthy food and watching more unhealthy entertainment and going to the mall to shop for things you don’t really want or need. And your discomfort and attitude both get worse.

7. Your attitude is often rooted in unrealistic ideals. – You aren’t perfect. It’s OK. Despite what you keep hearing inside your head, you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration. Everyone has disappointed someone they care about at some point. Everyone messes up, lets people down, and makes mistakes. Not because we’re all inadequate or incompetent, but because we’re all imperfect and human. Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for confusion and discontent.

8. Your attitude easily defaults to self-contempt. – Next time you catch yourself wallowing in self-contempt, remind yourself that you were not born feeling this way. That at some point in the past some person or experience sent you the message that something is wrong with you, and you internalized this lie and accepted it as your truth. But that lie isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you. And in the same way you learned to think negatively of yourself, you can learn to think new, positive and self-loving thoughts. You can learn to challenge those false beliefs, strip away their power, and reclaim your self-respect. It won’t be easy, and it won’t transpire overnight, but it is possible. And it begins the moment you decide there has to be a better way to live, and that you deserve to discover it. Make that decision for yourself!

9. Your attitude gets hung up on longstanding self-limiting beliefs. – Think about a self-limiting belief you have—an area of your life where you believe you are destined to remain stuck. It can be about any part of your life you hope to change—your weight, your career, your relationships—anything at all. What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your position on Earth? And then I want you to shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that “fact” was true for you. I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory. What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me,’ but I did it!”? Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it. You can start taking steps forward every day that go against it—positive daily rituals that create more tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on.

10. Your attitude often reflects a lack of presence and self-awareness. – One of the hardest challenges we face in life is to simply live in our own skin. To just be right here, right now, regardless of where we are. Too often we use compulsive work, compulsive exercise, compulsive love affairs, and the like, to escape from ourselves and the realities of living. In fact, many of us will go to great lengths to avoid the feeling of being alone in an undistracted environment. Thus, we succumb to hanging-out with just about anyone to avoid the feeling of solitude. For being alone means dealing with our true feelings. Acknowledging this fact is the first step to healing it. Begin right now by just noticing with curiosity, and without judgment, all of the ways in which you avoid being in your own skin, right here, right now, in this present moment we call life.

(MARCANDANGEL).